she castle on my vania until i

was waiting for the elevator in the middle of taking out all the trash and a resident came out of her apartment like OH GOOD! maybe i can show you this weird bug that was in my BEDROOM! so i follow her and she gets out a magnifying glass and shows me a dead pillbug on a napkin. im like thats incredible ma'am thank you for letting me use the magnifying glass. she says "i told my creepy kids about the bug and they didn't even call me!" and this sentence is tunneling into my brain so bad theres a physical pressure

The first saw trap was the garden of eden, really

im swimming at the lake and accidentally kicked a fish. this has never happened in my many years of swimming. sorry man

Lady in drive through had a bearded dragon sitting on her boobs and she held it up and let me pet it. killing myself canceled

I don't care how bad life gets i'm not watching Love Island

*coughs blood* youre all just jealous of my wound. yuore trying to make me get rid of it because you wish you had a wound this cool

when i was like 5 i started waiting for something and never stopped

sorry for the mixed signals I don’t know what I want or what I’m doing mostly

you are alive on a planet with insects and whales and diatoms and mycelium networks and puppies and your human friends. literally so awesome to be a living thing

happy to announce that i will be the new showrunner of doctor who. my first move: finally answer who that doctor is. can't believe they haven't done that yet. im naming him burgy spindleton.

what they dont tell you about adulthood is that it’s startlingly easy to go long periods of time without having any fun at all not even a little bit. btw this causes ur brain to try to kill you with knives and hammers.