Secret Sickfics

You wanna know what happens once you kill yourself? Your mother comes home from work and finds her baby dead and she screams and runs over to you and tries to get you to wake up but you won’t and she keeps screaming and shaking you and her tears are dripping onto your face and your dad hears all the screaming and runs into the room and he can’t even speak because the child that he loved and the child that he watched grow up is gone forever and finally your little sister runs into the room to see what all the fuss is about and she sees you dead. The person she looked up to and loved. The person she bragged about to  her friends, the person she wanted to be just like when she grew up, the person that made her feel safe. But she’s never really going to get to grow up and smile and laugh and love because she’ll always be consumed with this feeling of missing you. And now there’s something missing from your family and they can barely look at each other anymore because everything reminds them of you but you’re gone and hurts more than anything. and you think that your mom never cared because she was always busy and yelling at you to finish your homework and clean your room and forgot to say I love you sometimes but really, she loved you more than anything and she doesn’t leave the house anymore, she can’t even get out of bed and she’s getting thinner and thinner because it’s too hard to eat. Your father had to quit his job and he doesn’t sleep anymore, every time he closes his eyes he sees his baby dead, and the image never goes away no matter how much alcohol he drinks. And at school your best friend sees that your seat is empty and she gets this sick feeling in her stomach and that’s when she hears the announcement. You killed yourself. And suddenly she’s screaming and crying in the middle of class and no one even bothers comforting because they’re all  busy sitting there staring at your empty seat with tears dripping down their cheeks and all she wants is for you to hug her and tell her it’s gonna be okay like you always did, but this time, you’re not there to do it, everything is dark now that you’re gone and her grades are slipping, she barely goes to school anymore and she ended up in hospital after taking too many pills because she wanted to see you again. the girls who used to make fun of the way you dressed feel their throats get tight, they don’t talk to each other anymore, they don’t talk to anyone, they’re all in therapy trying so hard not to blame themselves but nothing works. and your teacher who always gave you a hard time stares blankly at the wall, she quits her job a few days later. And then your boyfriend hears the news and he can’t breathe, he still calls you a lot just to hear your voice and he talks to you on facebook but you never message him back, he can’t fall in love again because every girl he meets reminds him of you, he’s never going to get over you, he loved you and he cries himself to sleep every night, hating himself and slicing his skin because he couldn’t save you and he’s never going to hold you in his arms or hear you laugh again. Now everyone who knew you, whether they were a big part of your life or someone you passed in the hallway a few times a week, they carry this aching feeling around inside them because you’re gone, and they miss you, and they don’t know why you left but it must’ve been their fault and they should’ve stopped you and they should’ve told you they loved you more and that feeling is never going to go away. And so you killed yourself

Okay, so my life has been in chaos mode for the past three weeks or so due to work and school and other things.  The “other things” have recently started to dominate, and I honestly don’t know how to deal, so I wanted to see if anyone here has any advice on the matter.  There’s more to this, but to save you some time, I’m going to try to keep it short.

First, there are a couple things you need to know about me.  

1.  I am extremely asexual and sex-repulsed.  In the past I have been romantically attracted to males.

2.  I do not trust guys for various reasons , and I haven’t had a guy-friend in a very long time.

3.  Even though I used to get crushes on them when I was younger, I haven’t gotten one in a long time.  Like 3+ years.  So there’s that.

Now the situation at hand:  I cannot tell if I have a crush on a guy.

It’s one of my co-workers, and I really didn’t like him at first, but he’s totally grown on me.  And I cannot tell if he likes me.  And it’s stressing me out because I don’t want to lead him on if I’m not interested?  And I don’t want to assume things if he only wants to be my friend?  And if we’re interested in each other, how does my being ace affect that?  And he’s religious and I’m not, so one of my concerns is that the attention he’s been giving me recently isn’t because he is romantically interested in me or even that he wants to be friends, but because he wants to convert me.  Unfortunately, I already trust him an unusual amount, so if anything happens, I’m going to  be destroyed.  So yeah, I don’t know what’s going on, and it’s making my life really stressful.

i’m still here, i’ve just been super stressed lately, by school and other things, but on top of that i’ve actually been getting sick a lot.  which sucks because, as i think i’ve mentioned in the past, as much as i love writing sick fics, i hate hate hate being sick.  i’ve had two colds, food poisoning, and two stomach bugs in a span of like three months.  how does that even happen???  not to mention the fact that all of this has caused multiple panic attacks, which at the very least make me incredibly nauseous and at their worst make me throw up.

so yeah, haven’t had the energy to write lately.  however, my most recent stomach bug made itself known today (like 30 minutes ago, lol) and i have an interesting story about it that i thought i’d share with you guys.  i’ll keep it short, because i have lots to do even though i’m sick, but here it is:

“You are not going to school, Trashykawa.”

“I-Iwa-cha-a-a-acho!”

Hajime forced his way into Tooru’s house, pushing his friend gently backwards as he did so.  It was easier than he thought it would be.  Not a good sign.

“Bakakawa,” Hajime muttered under his breath.

“I’m fine, let me go!” Tooru tried to say, but with his stuffy nose it came out as “Ib fine, led be go.”  Hajime rolled his eyes and took the sick boy by the wrist.

“Just go lay down, idiot.  I’ll make you some soup.”  Tooru’s eyes widened.

“But you have school!”  He protested.  Hajime shook his head with a scowl, but his voice came out soft and caring.  And maybe a little worried.

“How can I just leave you here alone while you’re sick?  Your parents aren’t here, are they?”

“…No.  But, Iwa-chan, I don’t feel that bad, honest!”

“Right.  That’s what I was afraid of, Stupidkawa.  Seriously, just rest.  The world won’t end if you take a day off from overworking yourself.”

Tooru looked like he wanted to protest, but was instead wracked by a coughing fit that completely took the wind out of his sails.  Finally, he leaned back on the couch and let his eyes droop.  He looked completely wiped out, and Hajime had to wonder if he’d slept at all the night before.  Being the insomniac that he was, it was shocking that Tooru didn’t get sick more often.

“Iwa-chan, so kind,” the sick boy murmured, before falling asleep.  Hajime thought it was amazing that his friend could look so angelic even with a runny nose, swollen eyes, and a sweat-coated, pale face.  Cringing at his own thoughts, he left to make some soup and tea.  Just as he finished, he heard movement from the family room.

“Iwa-chan?”  A quiet, raspy voice asked.  Hajime almost laughed.  It sounded like Tooru was losing his voice.  If feeling sick didn’t bother him, not being able to talk loudly certainly would.  “Did you make-“  Tooru was cut off by a cough.  He tried again, but all he could get out was “-oup?”

Feeling a little bit bad for his amusement, Hajime brought out the soup to Oikawa, who looked even worse.  He held his head in his hands as if it hurt terribly, which it likely did, and was sweating like crazy.

“Yeah,” Hajime responded.  “Here’s your soup.  Take it easy and don’t eat too fast.  After you finish I’ll get you some medicine for your headache.”

“M’kay,” Tooru whispered, as loud as he could.  The soup seemed to help somewhat, if the relieved look on Tooru’s face was anything to go by, but he was just barely able to choke down the pill for his headache with the tea and whined pitifully as he swallowed it.  And by the time he was done eating he was shivering violently.  Hajime placed a hand on his forehead.

“No doubt about it you definitely have a fever.  Let’s check with the thermometer, just to see. how high…”  Hajime trailed off as he noticed that his friend had fallen asleep again.  He shrugged, and decided that it wouldn’t hurt to wait until Tooru woke up.  He snagged one of Tooru’s old handheld video games and sat down in front of the couch to play that while the other boy slept.  After a while, he remembered that he had left a mess in the kitchen, and went to clean it up and maybe grab a snack for himself.  He didn’t want to leave Tooru alone, but the boy had been sleeping soundly for a while now, so he decided it would most likely be fine.  Still, he jotted down a quick note just in case Tooru woke up and needed him.  Then he headed back to the kitchen.

After cleaning up, he looked for something that he could eat.  He’d had such a single-minded focus when he was making soup for his friend that he hadn’t realized the otherwise significant lack of food in the house.  The refrigerator was entirely empty of everything except for milk and butter, and the pantry held only two more cans of soup, some canned peas, and various spices.  Hajime hated soup.  He had just resigned himself to eating canned peas for lunch when he heard a harsh and wet-sounding cough from the living room.