Secretly a pirate

THIS IS IT. IVE FOUND THE FUNNIEST THING ON THIS PLANET.

i go absolutely ape shit buck wild when people ask me if i want to run errands with them like Let’s Fucking Go. and my mind absolutely maxes out of dopamine when they ask if i wanna stop for coffee. and if someone took me to the park id go bonkers in funcking yonkers

i got so high last night that i started ghostwriting for a golden retriever apparently

sahara desert (desert desert)

soviet union (union union)

hula dance (dance dance) dc comics (detective comics comics)

shakira (shakira)

snape could’ve been an awesome teacher if he wasn’t a disgusting waste of a human being. he knew from age 16 that the instuctions that the textbooks were giving weren’t as good as they could be. he improved the potions and recorded his methods at age 16. if he weren’t such a shitbag, he could’ve either written the damn textbooks himself, or taught his students his alternate methods. he could’ve revolutionized how potions were being brewed, teaching whole generations a superior method of potion brewing. instead, he spent his time bullying children. 

He could have become everything a Slytherin should have been instead of the epitome of what everyone else thinks they are.

*pronounces “champagne” like “lasagne”*

do Not

*Pronounces “lasagne” like “champagne”*

do NOT

“Human-Steve! I have heard that today is the anniversary of your hatching! According to my human culture pamphlet, it is customary to set a sugary pastry on fire while chanting your species’ growth incantation and presenting sacrifices wrapped in shiny paper. I am afraid to ask, in case this ritual is sacred and this request therefor insensitive… but may I be allowed to participate? It sounds much more fascinating than molting.”

Awwwww.

Reblog if you're bilingual, bisexual, or really love cats.

@ 2017 bitch before u even think about fuckin us over just please…….. think abt what that hoe 2016 did to us,, you don’t have to stoop to their level, you can be great, you can be the bitch everyone loves, the bitch everyone appreciates, the bitch everyone thanks for being giving us a good year, you are capable of being That Bitch™