DESOLATION

my emotions have been all over the place since i started my period. yesterday i felt depressed as fuck for no real reason. today i missed T all day - it feels weird when he's not here. he's in wisconsin, visiting all his friends who have never once come out to visit us here. i feel like i've cut off all of the friendships that weren't really adding anything positive to my life, but T has clung to all of his. i can't stand any of his friends except for like, maybe two of them. there's one in particular who has always treated T poorly, and nothing i say seems to make a difference in T's unwavering loyalty to this shit ass friend of however many years. it's like he thinks he has to accept any and all disrespect just to keep the other person happy. it's the same thing with his dad, who i also fucking hate. it's so annoying to watch him continually make excuses for these people and show them the utmost level of empathy when they would NEVER do the same for him. he doesn't wanna see it and i'm so sick of it. i think the only way he'll ever go to therapy and figure his shit out is if i threaten our relationship. which i should have already done by now, frankly.

i do love him, and he provides safety and security and unwavering loyalty. he's funny and observant. he's supportive of everything i do. but it's frustrating to be the one who has done so much work on my own self-improvement, and to be with someone who avoids confronting his own issues. but he quit drugs and binge drinking, for the most part, so he has shown me he can change.

i've been working a lot, as usual. i enjoy my coworkers' company. some of them are painfully woke, which irritates me. like the whole "i hate white people, i don't feel safe around white people" from people who ARE WHITE. lmao. like, i just can't help but think it's so hilariously hypocritical to say things like that. to be like ohhh i'm anti-racist and i prefer to be around melanated folx and white people are soooo awful. like, you're literally telling me that you judge people based on their skin color. i think it's so weird. and these people wonder why so many boys and men are gravitating to the far right. i mean, when there's this pervasive rhetoric that white men are inherently bad because they're white men, it's not exactly a mystery why they'd be drawn to online communities that tell them the opposite. i honestly get so incensed when i hear all this white guilt performative virtue signaling like "i hate white people, i hate men, i hate the USA". like i get what you're trying to say, but expressing it that way does nothing but deepen the divide. and it also makes you look so surface level and chronically online. i don't know. i also dislike seeing all the "if you're celebrating the 4th of july you're a terrible person" posts this time of year. like, i think i can acknowledge the awful chapters in our country's history and also hate the current administration and ALSO feel love for my country and its people. i don't have to love everything about america in order to love being american.