"you are not as damned as you think you are"

"i used to" is such a harsh phrase. it can be good or bad. it doesn't imply permanence or lack thereof. I simply "used to" do something that I no longer do. "I used to live down the hall from my brother." "I used to know them." "I used to play the saxophone." "i used to have a cat." "i used to know that language" I did that once. that was a part of my life once. its not anymore, but if you look back a few chapters its right there. its not here, not now, but its there. its still there

dhmu I just saw straightified fanart of one of my favorite gay ships. those boys are lesbian what the hell are you doing

ive been trying to work off of my antidepressants because i want to be able to stand on my own two feet and I thought I could do it. I really thought I could handle myself. but my worst trigger set off my ocd and I feel like im drowning again. I went from 20 to 15 mg. that's nothing. I dont want to imagine how I would've reacted if I was unmedicated. how do I go on like this?

I translate all of my emotions into art. it helps me process everything, good and bad. but when my cat died, it felt as though I was a house, sanded down. every time I picked up a pen, I just started to recount what happened. I had nothing beautiful to write, I could not make it into something soothing. it wasn't just something that happened, it's something that's still happening and I can't write about an active ordeal. how can i pick up a pen if one hand is on the wheel, and the other hand is in his cat carrier? im still in the car, there's still time. im stil in the car, and I just want to make it to the urgent vet in time

trauma is so weird. like. I'm still in the car. There's still time. I just have to drive faster and I can make it. im still in the car. there's still time. damn this red light. im still in the car. there's still time. there's still time. there's still time.

grief is like licking the empty space where a tooth used to be

"put to sleep" is such a gentle way of saying "died". I like it. my kitty did not die. he is just sleeping. goodnight, baby.