it's an open forum

I was willing, I accept! I will be your anything

If you want to know, how far you can go

I’ll tell you to go forever

I was a bad canary; I was selfish and unfair

I wanted you to wrong, I just wanted a part to play

I drew you a canary, to remind you,

I wanted a part to play

I took your honesty as a confession of guilt; a wrong

If it’s wrong, I’m canary

If it’s wrong, we will dance around this again

I’m not positive, but I think the canaries die, too

When the man holding the pickaxe

Cannot hear the song they sing

Do you ignore all of your pets?

Hear me now:

You were guilty of all you were righteous about

I can’t help but to play a role you give me,

so you should know,

your canary never stopped singing, 

it simply stopped singing to you

If you’re better for knowing me, what am I for knowing you?

A stepping stone to who you’re looking for?

A measuring device meant to train?

The means to an end; available, willing, whenever?

I was just a teenager

It’s hardly at the tip of my tongue, but what I lack in words overflows in madness

I feel myself rocking in moments of reflection,

Holding my arms back from twitching, digging my nails in the nearest object

I am as far away as possible

You still feel too close to be safe from me

You spout; I want to listen

I want to, I want to

I cannot stop these thoughts when I finally breathe:

I am listening, and I wish I weren’t

How am I meant to listen to your indiscretions

In the midst of this?

How am I meant to soothe misplaced blame,

Grandiose interpretations,

The suffering you’ve made to have no cure

I’ve always been a friend, a listening one

The one that coaxes you into listening to me,

When I find this friend lacking in me,

I find a friend lacking in you

I picture your bathroom counter

I imagine your ritual paints a picture

of your world, of what has lingered this morning

when my ritual is due,

it begins with memories of you

getting lost in this thought

feels as abstract as love

fastening a button, tucking a ribbon, smoothing the wrinkles

I imagine your hands tending to the small irregularities,

the unimportant appearances

a stray hair, behind my ear

my bracelet, cuffed by your hands

I could live in this ritual,

make it my home

tell me, what lingererd this morning?

there is no exception;

when I take more of you in, the more I'd like to see

send me a photo of your bathroom counter,

the top of your dresser

if you let me understand your habits,

maybe you will see

no place to hide, i've sent a plea

to take these pills away from me

to cuff my wrists, to stop the itch

i'm a million miles ahead of the person writing this

i acted rash so i can feel rash

let me bombard my grief with a different type of longing

it's like this upstairs, anyway

let this reality reflect the rashness of my decisions

how long can the grieving girl be awarded for impulsivity

i can make my past hurt

hurt worse than this,

if they weren't dragging me away from myself

coaxing me as i scream and runaway to the new problem

telling me it's okay, you make me understand

that it's not okay

he'll never be back

treat your quiet prayers carefully

the ones whispered in the dark are hardly what we want

and you might not know it

but it's a lesson we need

no one can tell you that you've passed, or failed

but you'll circle back at night

rest your eyes

and find you stopped wishing at all

find me in a corner, with all of my thoughts

i'm just explaining to the walls

how once i stopped wishing, i started losing

my fears transformed into wish

wish into reality

nothing has brought me closer to life

than this death

i'm praying again, silently

mostly, imagining a future

filling it with joy and beauty

placing silhouettes of my loved ones around me

i know it to be true this time,

more than i know it to be a wish

I thought these moments would be different,

where I connect to what is truly important in life and makes me feel alive

maybe I have felt them all before but the more I think these thoughts, the slower these moments pass

you can't disconnect

remove our line

I am wired directly to the heart

where our luck intertwines

at the crossroads I heard you call

distance disappeared into proximity

the sound of your voice,

no longer a memory

as you materialize before me,

I can't tell if I wished for you

i can alchemize this pain, turn it to beauty

stare at the mirror, believe that i'm worthy

tipping the scales, trimming the edges

buffing our bruises, placing a bandage

spilling from the seals, I conjure a fix

it's shaped like me, but not quite it

it wails, it beams, ripped its way out of me

she shows me how to set it down

hand it over

and breathe

its different now, above the sun

i replay an old fear

i look for you,

you look familiar, i've known you before

in middle school maybe, or on my bedroom floor

you build and contemplate your disguise just as your other

sewing together words that fit the fashion

on my bedroom floor, a pre-mature I love you

in middle school, a final blow to push me away

from behind, i'm sure its you

in their eyes, i see the familiar lovers

first, my reflection

it's fantastic!

your final act was ripping this bandage off

though load bearing, it is so relieving

and now

it's everywhere

nothing to conceal anymore

it's been almost two weeks since my dad died, three since he was put on hospice care. i've been reflecting on the time we were given at the end, what manifested as a result of it, and how family rushed to our sides, enveloped us, how they tried to save us from this grief with tales of their own.

it's important to say what you want someone to know out loud. people that are dying are better at this than most, at least, better than they were before. and this is contagious, their eagerness to explain all that someone means to them.

it reminds you of everything you haven't said. it reminds you of everything you wish you had. and in a similar fashion to my family attempting to save me from this loss, this feeling made me want to save everyone from this fate, too. it makes me want to scream everything i've ever felt from a rooftop. and force my friends to do it too.

if i could save you from this fate, i hope it all ends in i love you. i love you. i love you.

i'm grinning and bearing it, watching your vultures come

i know the veil is thinning; they are here

laying claim to this grief

which memories of you are they taking hostage?

they will remember you,

charisma and jokes

but I think, I might remember all of you

if they're hoarding your good memories,

tales of a gentler time,

i hope they take the time at your end

when the cabin becomes pressurized

when, in between, i cannot catch my breath

if the airbags don't deploy

when the people stop coming, still,

I will tie the pretty ribbons

I will serve the expensive foods

I will parade around this grief with confetti

am i minding my own

ignoring truth

does it matter - I will brace for impact either way