Henryk Płóciennik (1933-2020) — Comet II [zincograph on cardboard, 1974]
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Henryk Płóciennik (1933-2020) — Comet II [zincograph on cardboard, 1974]

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proximal cause
you can't disconnect
remove our line
I am wired directly to the heart
where our luck intertwines
at the crossroads I heard you call
distance disappeared into proximity
the sound of your voice,
no longer a memory
as you materialize before me,
I can't tell if I wished for you
or more of this hell
watered down
i can alchemize this pain, turn it to beauty
stare at the mirror, believe that i'm worthy
tipping the scales, trimming the edges
buffing our bruises, placing a bandage
spilling from the seals, I conjure a fix
it's shaped like me, but not quite it
it wails, it beams, ripped its way out of me
she shows me how to set it down
hand it over
and breathe
its different now, above the sun
i replay an old fear
i look for you,
but the crows never come
from behind
you look familiar, i've known you before
in middle school maybe, or on my bedroom floor
you build and contemplate your disguise just as your other
sewing together words that fit the fashion
on my bedroom floor, a pre-mature I love you
in middle school, a final blow to push me away
from behind, i'm sure its you
in their eyes, i see the familiar lovers
first, my reflection
second, their indecision
unbridled grief
it's fantastic!
your final act was ripping this bandage off
though load bearing, it is so relieving
and now
it's everywhere
nothing to conceal anymore
you are gone and my grief is everywhere

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thoughts on dying
it's been almost two weeks since my dad died, three since he was put on hospice care. i've been reflecting on the time we were given at the end, what manifested as a result of it, and how family rushed to our sides, enveloped us, how they tried to save us from this grief with tales of their own.
it's important to say what you want someone to know out loud. people that are dying are better at this than most, at least, better than they were before. and this is contagious, their eagerness to explain all that someone means to them.
it reminds you of everything you haven't said. it reminds you of everything you wish you had. and in a similar fashion to my family attempting to save me from this loss, this feeling made me want to save everyone from this fate, too. it makes me want to scream everything i've ever felt from a rooftop. and force my friends to do it too.
if i could save you from this fate, i hope it all ends in i love you. i love you. i love you.
grinning and bearing it
i'm grinning and bearing it, watching your vultures come
i know the veil is thinning; they are here
laying claim to this grief
which memories of you are they taking hostage?
they will remember you,
charisma and jokes
but I think, I might remember all of you
if they're hoarding your good memories,
tales of a gentler time,
i hope they take the time at your end
to remind you that your beginning was precious
go watch project hail mary NOW!!
I wait hours for your car, are we too late? Are we too far?
making light
when the cabin becomes pressurized
when, in between, i cannot catch my breath
if the airbags don't deploy
when the people stop coming, still,
I will tie the pretty ribbons
I will serve the expensive foods
I will parade around this grief with confetti

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is it righteous to avoid another's subtext
am i minding my own
ignoring truth
does it matter - I will brace for impact either way
iralaik
Ivy - Taylor Swift
is limerence compulsion, defined by some obsessive longing
scratching the itch of desire
Am I condemned to believe love cannot scratch this itch?
That compulsion is not love; it is a mirror
am I barred from the selfless dance?
They are my neighbors
They bicker over their posts, re-positioning their garden gates
I'm tracking the moving target
But a sea of green swallows me in my indecision
crush
bizarre strong feelings
cascading and fluttering around the senses
the weight of this crush is unburdensome
this pressure relieves the pain

Anya is live and ready to show you everything. Watch her strip, dance, and perform exclusive shows just for you. Interact in real-time and make your fantasies come true.
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all the cover art by parker steven jackson from magdalena bay's 2025 collection of singles