it's an open forum

you can't disconnect

remove our line

I am wired directly to the heart

where our luck intertwines

at the crossroads I heard you call

distance disappeared into proximity

the sound of your voice,

no longer a memory

as you materialize before me,

I can't tell if I wished for you

i can alchemize this pain, turn it to beauty

stare at the mirror, believe that i'm worthy

tipping the scales, trimming the edges

buffing our bruises, placing a bandage

spilling from the seals, I conjure a fix

it's shaped like me, but not quite it

it wails, it beams, ripped its way out of me

she shows me how to set it down

hand it over

and breathe

its different now, above the sun

i replay an old fear

i look for you,

you look familiar, i've known you before

in middle school maybe, or on my bedroom floor

you build and contemplate your disguise just as your other

sewing together words that fit the fashion

on my bedroom floor, a pre-mature I love you

in middle school, a final blow to push me away

from behind, i'm sure its you

in their eyes, i see the familiar lovers

first, my reflection

it's fantastic!

your final act was ripping this bandage off

though load bearing, it is so relieving

and now

it's everywhere

nothing to conceal anymore

it's been almost two weeks since my dad died, three since he was put on hospice care. i've been reflecting on the time we were given at the end, what manifested as a result of it, and how family rushed to our sides, enveloped us, how they tried to save us from this grief with tales of their own.

it's important to say what you want someone to know out loud. people that are dying are better at this than most, at least, better than they were before. and this is contagious, their eagerness to explain all that someone means to them.

it reminds you of everything you haven't said. it reminds you of everything you wish you had. and in a similar fashion to my family attempting to save me from this loss, this feeling made me want to save everyone from this fate, too. it makes me want to scream everything i've ever felt from a rooftop. and force my friends to do it too.

if i could save you from this fate, i hope it all ends in i love you. i love you. i love you.

i'm grinning and bearing it, watching your vultures come

i know the veil is thinning; they are here

laying claim to this grief

which memories of you are they taking hostage?

they will remember you,

charisma and jokes

but I think, I might remember all of you

if they're hoarding your good memories,

tales of a gentler time,

i hope they take the time at your end

when the cabin becomes pressurized

when, in between, i cannot catch my breath

if the airbags don't deploy

when the people stop coming, still,

I will tie the pretty ribbons

I will serve the expensive foods

I will parade around this grief with confetti

am i minding my own

ignoring truth

does it matter - I will brace for impact either way

scratching the itch of desire

Am I condemned to believe love cannot scratch this itch?

That compulsion is not love; it is a mirror

am I barred from the selfless dance?

They are my neighbors

They bicker over their posts, re-positioning their garden gates

I'm tracking the moving target

bizarre strong feelings

cascading and fluttering around the senses

the weight of this crush is unburdensome

this pressure relieves the pain