If you're trying to tell someone that something they did inadvertedly hurt your feelings, and they treat this conversation like a debate where their goal is to successfully argue that they did nothing wrong, and that you have no right to feel upset, that's your cue that you should give up trying to have any kind of a real, genuine relationship with them. Everyone will sometimes end up doing something that you hadn't realised would upset someone you care about, you can't be constantly aware of every single thing at all times. But turning the following conversation into an argument of uncompromisingly justifying and defending their actions is a sign you shouldn't ignore.
They don't think that upsetting you is the problem. What they have a problem with is you thinking you deserve better than how they want to treat you.
While I ultimately agree so I'm reblogging, just adding an additional perspective of my own:
It might not be so malicious a motivation. Instead of having a problem with "you thinking you deserve better than how they want to treat you," it could be zero percent about you and 100% about them in their mind (even ifthey can'tconsciously express this). It could be that the problem they have with this situation is the idea that they're doing harm, ESPECIALLY the idea that they're doing harm when they think they aren't.
I've met plenty of people that fall into this alternative category, where they ONLY see how hard they're trying, how stressed they are, how "good" of a person they're striving to be (from their worldview), and then they're told that - no - in fact they are hurting someone. Which can sound like "you are wrong, you are bad, you do bad things, and this has always been true and will always be true" so they get defensive and reactive.
All that is to say, the end result is the same: they may debate and defend instead of purposefully listen to your needs. YOU don't have to be the one to try to walk them through "how to calmly listen to someone without becoming defensive" or "how to reasonably accept criticism and talk through interpersonal issues" either way.
It might seem callous, but I don't think it matters why someone is defensive about being allowed to do everything exactly their own way and will not consider doing anything different as an option. If someone starts telling you that doing things the way that upsets you is the only option they have, it's really irrelevant to you, personally, whether they do it because they have a traumatic childhood and too much on their plate and were never raised right, or whether they're just choosing to be a jerk.
If someone keeps shitting on your car windshield year round, and you're sick of scraping frozen shit off your windshield every single morning through the whole winter, it doesn't really matter how good of a reason they have to keep doing that. If you can't make them stop shitting on cars, the only thing you can do is make it clear they're gonna have to find someone else's car. If they don't want to do better, you can't change their behaviour. And if they truly cannot do better, you can't change their behaviour.
