run your welder not your mouth

i finished the last quarter of one of four units of one module of coursework and i was like yuppp productive day today. at least it wasnt like pulling teeth like it usually is... looks like the slight nausea/appetite loss/awful mood/mild dissociation caused by the methylphenidate is worth it!!

i don't have any hobbies or girlfriends or houses to spend money on so i just keep buying tools. now its got to the point where i do not reasonably need any more AND i've run out of space (and weight allowance) and i don't really know what to do.

the money from work enables purchases for more tools that enable more work to be done. however as i am paid by time and not work done, this means i can simply slow down, having to use effort to do the same work!

felt bad for about 25 seconds for taking monday off #marriedtothegrind

im not a paranoid person <- girl who gets scared of the windows with no curtains/blinds in the kitchen when she gets up for work

when does the being scared of being in public go away bc it has been several years and there has never been any incident that could have brought this on

i think i convinced myself that i had like 'gotten better' bc im not hating myself and such but i still more or less dread going outside for anything other than work. if i have to go somewhere after work its usually alright, but if i have to get up and go to the doctor or smth while not being in my work clothes its just... scary... for no reason... the mental associations with my work clothes are just ridiculously strong somehow. i think there's some sort of compartmentalization going on where they help me keep the 'work mode' shield up mentally, as well as projecting an image to people that i'm a tradie which carries some sort of social capital(?). hard to quantify or even describe but you know what i mean... its all mind games but i have no choice to play them even if its just against myself