Wild At Heart And Weird On Top

Girl said she’d let me see her DDs but when I got to her house she just had her shirt off and she didn’t even have a ps2 let alone a copy of digital devil saga. Waste of my damn time

im about to catsit next month for a (lovingly) crazy woman who is so deeply obsessed with her cat's care its touching truly. he needs insulin shots and she is telling me that shes going to send voice notes to my phone of her saying "copo! baby! its time for your insulin!" "come here handsome!" "its insulin time sweetie!" so that he feels safe getting his insulin from a stranger. im like girl i love it. i love this

she was telling me yesterday "sometimes i look at him and he looks at me and i feel like we can hear each other's thoughts. is that crazy" and i was like "no of course not"

genuinely cannot stop repeating My neighbor michael i’ve known for thirty years is purple for some reason

Being high has me saying things like “I like friends” as if it’s some profound relization

a puff of truthweed will have your breath carry only the undeniable

if i had a dick i would love to have a disappointing orgasm in the shower while thinking of something or someone that i felt i should not be thinking about & then stand under the water with my forehead against a wall watching the proof of my guilt & shame go down the drain

if i had a dick i would love to have a disappointing orgasm in the shower while thinking of something or someone that i felt i should not be thinking about & then stand under the water with my forehead against a wall watching the proof of my guilt & shame go down the drain

one of those apocalyptic things that we have decided not to talk about is that straight guys do not wash their hands in the bathroom. its fucking crazy pills man.

Saying “yeah bro I move exactly like a jumping spider when I get drunk” and then watching everyone flinch every time I tense my legs after taking a sip of my vermouth