Schlamwise

I really wish I could just impress on anyone who thinks that cats are MYSTERIOUS and DIGNIFIED and CLEAN that they are none of these things. Yeah yeah they’re self-cleaning and will choose to poop in a litter box, assuming their mama got to raise them until at least 6 weeks old, but this will not stop a cat from tracking litter outside the box! (cats pick up litter in their toes. tragic. disgusting. resulting in the perpetual need for vacuuming if you are afflicted with wall-to-wall carpeting). Cats are also not mysterious at all; they only seem mysterious if you’ve never met a cat before. Cats are VERY expressive with their body language, like good god they never shut up, and are pretty vocally expressive if they’re accustomed to dealing with human beings even a little bit. Oh you like making mouth noises? I can too! MEOW MEOW MEW MEOW MROW MROW MROW HOWL HOWL YOWL MEOW MEOW. They are also so incredibly, how do I stress this properly, incredibly, INSANELY, not even a little bit dignified. Cats are god’s furriest farts. They look slightly cool because they can leap well when they’re young and have strong butt muscles. But even then, they can and will fall off the couch because they got vacuously high off chewing on a favorite fuzzy rayon blanket. We’re not even gonna talk about all the times a cat has skidded straight into a mirror, or tried to leap through a screen window at a wasp, or deliberately dumped over their only water dish just to watch the water dribble into the unnecessary wall-to-wall carpeting, because they’re a goblin creature and they don’t understand consequences like “and now my water dish is empty”. To talk about these things would be to insult the non-existent dignity of cats, and reveal them for being the slightly better-armed tribbles that they really are.

You clamp Miette? You clamp her like an illegally park car tire??? Ten thousand years dungeon

being married to an elf would suck bc they’d just be like “i wrote a short ballad on the subject of our love. would you like to hear it?” *proceeds to sing for the next 12 hours without pause because that’s what’s considered brief by elf standards* and being married to a dwarf would suck bc they’d be like *spends 36 hours carving a pattern into a single face of a hammer they’re working on because you “can’t rush art” and forgets that you even exist until you’re forced to come down and persuade them to return to the surface to take a nap before they collapse of exhaustion* so you really can’t win

good omens 2 is genuinely so funny. it's like a good omens/crossover fandom fic got turned into a whole 6 hours of television. crowley and aziraphale kissed and then immediately broke up. the main plot of the show revolves around trying to get two lesbians together jane austen style. half the runtime is dedicated to random historical flashbacks of crowley and aziraphale homosexually interacting. they got rid of every single one of the straight couples. it's canon compliant to the bible