a collection of teenage ramblings

I knew the answer. Because you’ve told me about it before. But I can’t text you. I could’ve asked anyway, just to see your reply. Imagine it in your voice.

But it wouldn’t come regardless. And that’s okay.

I wish there was, oh how I wish there was,

I don’t know that I’m capable of saving myself

What do I get out of fighting the good fight if I don’t know what I’m fighting for?

Who am I, why am I bothering? I never formed an identity. In middle school, I was depressed. In high school, I was depressed. I got help in college. I’m still depressed. And no one is going to save me? I have to pull myself up by the bootstraps.

I am outraged by the expectation that some people must live with suffering while others don’t. I know it is a feeling of jealousy, and it will eat away at me. It’s not fair.

My best friends boyfriend is so woke, I love going through his saved Pinterest pins and I’m really touched by his work to understand and empathize with the lives and situations of others, especially those who are marginalized and all.

Anyway my best friend is so funny for dating him because I guess we really do all have our preferences? I wouldn’t date that kid in a million years, although it probably doesn’t help that I’m queer and wouldn’t date any men if I could help it.

I’ve yet to do anything useful with my life and I just can’t imagine going on? I’ve been waiting, working on this, trying to get better for so long and it’s proved to all be useless.

I have to wonder what my therapist would have to say about all this, but I know there’s no point in even verbalizing any of this because I’ll be fine? I’ve always kept going, and I always will so why bother putting in the effort of fixing the issue?

Idk this is me just cringeposting I don’t even know anymore? I’d never do anything rash or something that could hurt me because I know there are so many people around me that would be really hurt by it. So there’s that.

Did you know that…

Buying an off-brand 5 hour energy that is on sale for very very cheap with questionable ingredients makes you feel not good…

Also- its fucking hot everywhere??? I have blisters because my feet are sweaty and I was feeling hopeful when I put sandals on

I was disillusioned by the joy of showering halfway through the day and am very sweaty and… forgot to put on deodorant

I have 24 hr access to the STEM education center because I’m an education student even though I don’t actually work with them

As helpful as a psychiatrist would be, I don’t have 300+ dollars 

I looooooove Hadestown (the musical).

I got my financial aid offer letter and they did not tell me to kill myself!

If I had the opportunity (which I do not) I would love to minor in investigative journalism. 

I have many, many qualms with the Catholic church as it stands given their patriarchal history

Anywhere, i’d rather be,

surrounded by white lilies, baby’s breath, daisies, i’d rather be.

on a grassy knoll with tokens of my innocence

making up for my absence

Alleluia. Praise be to God. Church bells toll a common tune, recognizable by the whole neighborhood. Christ is risen. Flowers bloom down every garden path, dancing to the hymn of a bird. The sun shines down on my white patent leather Mary Janes. I hum the Gloria, skipping to the beat of my own drum, wandering the church parking lot. I make the sign of the cross as I walk through the grass, praying for the salvation of the bugs I may step on. Hoping that ladybugs experience Heaven while collecting sticks to make a fairy house.

Hours later, years later. 

My footsteps echo as I enter the church, my heels clicking behind me. My dyed hair shall condemn me just as easily as my wretched soul. Choir rehearsal, Mass. Then go to bed, and wake up, and start again. My black binder catches the curtain enclosing the vestry. Shall I receive communion today?I haven’t received reconciliation in years, being both too ashamed and too angry to go. Why should I apologize for disrespecting my mother when she hit first. Why should I bother receiving my heavenly grace if my offenses to God are made raw when celebrating his Son, receiving Him in a state of mortal sin. The incense lit in the adoration chapel is biting, gnawing at my throat, begging me submit to God. I’m sorry God, Lord, Father, whatever I’m supposed to call you. Mass starts.

Entrance hymn, Sing.

Greeting.

Penitential Act. 

Kyrie.

Gloria. Sing…

And later,

TAKE THIS, ALL OF YOU AND EAT OF IT: THIS IS MY BODY WHICH WILL BE GIVEN UP FOR YOU. 

TAKE THIS, ALL OF YOU AND DRINK OF IT: THIS IS THE CUP OF MY BLOOD, THE BLOOD OF THE NEW AND ETERNAL COVENANT WHICH WILL BE POURED OUT FOR MANY FOR THE FORGIVENESS OF SINS. DO THIS IN MEMORY OF ME.

The altar bells ring once more, snap to attention. Sing the Mystery of Faith. 

THROUGH HIM AND WITH HIM AND IN HIM, O GOD ALMIGHTY FATHER, IN THE UNITY OF THE HOLY SPIRIT, ALL GLORY AND HONOR IS YOURS, FOR EVER AND EVER.

The choir receives communion first. Follow the line. Cross your arms for a blessing. You should not receive the Eucharist in your sinful state. Next in line. Receive your blessing. Return to the choir pews. Sing. 

Getting drunk, alone, playing solitaire.

Alright, where should I begin? Maybe I should contextualize myself. I, a college freshman, am home alone tonight. Using all of my thinking power, I’ve made myself a mixed drink of wine, gin, and sparkling juice. It sounds like vomit central, but believe me- it's pretty good. I went through the trouble of finding some fresh limes to squeeze into my drink and I even added ice. You could say I take care of myself. What better way to spend an evening exists, outside of consuming substances and watching youtube? Perhaps one spent with a friend or family. But what do I care? 

The act of escaping is one that I have commonly sought, especially in light of my mental health issues. Intrusive thoughts, suicidal thoughts, lonely thoughts surround me as I sit in my childhood bedroom. You might be thinking to yourself… “You're on anti-depressants !11!1!!!1”, or moreso, “Is it really a good idea to drink alone?”; my answer to your question is as follows: I literally don’t care. 

There's a world of bad that I could pursue but I resolve to play solitaire and consume whatever substance I can get my hands on. When I’m not feeling well (so to speak), I can’t usually rely on common tactics first suggested by someone who has never been through significant mental health issues (see: taking a walk or journaling). There’s truly a lot worse that I could be doing like cutting, or banging my head against the wall. But then again, who’s to say that even those tactics are not always uncalled for when faced with suicidal ideation or intentions. 

I have no intention to truly hurt myself in the long run. I obviously don't want to die! I’ve got my whole life ahead of me, my sister and my best friend by my side, and a slew of resources at my disposal.  I wouldn’t kill myself if Death himself knocked on my front door and handed me a noose. I often have an impact on those around me given that I am a dedicated member of many activities and a good contact in all of my social circles. I actually love people. Like, just in general. So why am I playing solitaire drunk, in my room, by myself? 

There’s something to be said about being self-reliant (or maybe I’ve just been reading too much Thoreau and Emerson) and I don’t want to truly bother those around me. To suffer in silence for the sake of peacekeeping has great value to me. I know that this depression (or anxiety, or intrusive thoughts, or otherwise) will someday die down and I’ll feel okay again. Life is big and hard and full of hardship but this will pass.