#jo march

War and politics are nothing but a game, the powerful and power-hungry control the pieces on the board. Each move is methodically planned, thought out five steps ahead. It’s only those most powerful aware of the game, the kings and queens who play for their own gain. The pawns, bishops, and knights are nothing more but game pieces, being moved and influenced by those with the power. When WWIII began in 2020, the chessboard was wiped, players thrown from their positions as the world was thrown into darkness... But a century later, the chessboard is back on the table, this time with new monarchs controlling the unwitting pieces in their game for power. A social experiment has been formed, hidden in the mountains of Russia. The youngest generation of royals are thrown together in a single location, both for safety and a test. Their parents play them as pawns on a large board to see whether or not they can learn to get along, whether or not they can rule the globe and bring their countries further out of the darkness the last world war caused. But not all wish to see the royals succeed. The monarchs are not the only players, though they think that they are. Rebels hide behind every corner, pushing their own pieces in a bid for power and the destruction of the reigning monarchs. War of Royals is a revamped royalty rp that takes place after WWIII. Royals have been sent to a hidden palace in Russia for both safety and to unknowingly participate in a social experiment, all in the name of peace. They will be tested on their ability to get along and come up with political solutions, all while being far from home. Rebels are hidden within the palace and surrounding village, just waiting to cause trouble.

I grew up idolizing Beth from Little Women. She was quiet and calm and composed, especially in the face of adversity. She was so kind and so good and so tragic. She was everything I knew I should be. She was delicate and sickly and never let it stop her from loving and supporting those around her. Everyone loved her so much. Everyone loved her so much. Eventually she died, and while she never accomplished anything grand, she never did anything big to impact the lives of others, the very nature of her existence was enough to make others happier, and the loss of her was a tragedy. When her sickness became too much, she accepted her fate and said her goodbyes and went to heaven, because she was already an angel. She was so good and so kind and so perfect, and then she disappeared. And I knew, deep in my bones, that's who I was supposed to be.

I wanted to be brave and outspoken, but I didn't have the spark Jo had, I didn't have enough to justify that use of space. Instead, I was meant to be quiet and demure, to do everything I could to make the lives of everyone around me better, and then disappear. I thought that if I was just good enough, then maybe I would be loved, and maybe I would be missed. I thought that suffering was my burden to bear, the pain of which I was meant to spare my loved ones from by putting on a brave face, until it eventually overcame me. Then everyone would cry and say how much I didn't deserve this, how unfair it was, how tragic. They would say that they loved me so much.

But the thing about this type of character is that they can only ever be a character. Beth never had a future, she was not allowed the same level of complexity and flaws that even the other girls were. An existence dedicated to the comforting of others is always going to leave you tired and alone. I've lived my life exactly like this. How do I bear my burdens with quiet grace? How do I make others' lives as easy and happy as possible? How do I obscure all my messy parts so that everyone sees me as simply good? How do I become good? How do I love others in such a way that when I disappear, they'll be sad, but eventually better off for it? And I'm so used to being alone. Because eventually, I'll burn myself out ignoring my own wants and needs in a relationship, or I'll get left behind since it seems I don't care enough, or we'll hit a situation where I realize everything would be easier if I simply disappeared, so I do. I've been trying to martyr myself my whole life and all it's done is leave me alone and my loved ones confused and hurt.

If I want to be a person, I cannot be like Beth. I cannot run away from my complicated emotions and relationships, I cannot run myself down trying to be perfect, I cannot ignore myself in favor of others. (Not to say that's who Beth is, only that through my lens of religious trauma and shaky upbringing, that's who Beth and many others of the same archetype became to me) But being a person is so messy and complicated, and relationships are messy and complicated. I'm allowing myself to want more than I ever have, but there is still a deep-seated belief that what I want is to be so good and so kind and then disappear. That maybe that's the life I deserve, the life I owe to everyone else, for being burdened with my existence. That maybe I was born to die an early death, and giving in to this yearning for more is some great mortal sin.

LITTLE WOMEN (2019)

listening to whale call by wasia project and its dragging me back to my little women (2019) phase

This is Jo talking with Marmee about Meg and John.

I honestly sympathize with Jo in this moment because even if she's being overly dramatic and quite childish about John, she has reasons. At this moment, her family is picked apart. Her father has been far away in the war for months, Marmee left to take care of him, Beth is on the brink of death, and Amy was sent to Aunt March's. She's being selfish because it's clear that Meg likes John back, and that threatens to take away the only other family member she has left.

But what makes me smile about this moment is the innocence? naivety? of this line. This is how little Jo understands about marriage, which is fine cause she's 15 years old. She thinks this is about moving to another home and that's it. She doesn't seem to grasp the kind of relationship that two people have in a marriage, the kind of intimacy it entails. This is not an incestuous declaration; she just doesn't think beyond the fact that Meg would leave home.

This is also why she wants Meg to marry Laurie instead. She has put zero thought into their compatibility. She only cares that Laurie is her bff and he lives across the street.