lost in the valley of the night

if it’s not too late can i-

but out of nowhere comes the visceral reminder that you’re the kraken and you killed your father and you’re not a good person; that’s why you don’t have any friends. and the plan crumbles. but then the man tells you that he’s your friend, and that he forgives you for trying to kill him, and that everything’s going to be alright.

but it’s not, so you start suggesting that you should leave his ship soon, get back to your life. because this one isn’t yours, you’re not a good person. you become gruff and you’re flighty and rude and you start reverting back to your old self. but then the man still offers you a home on his ship. and he makes you happy. and you accept.

but then someone from your past shows up, a perfect example of the unkind person you used to be. that you still must be, deep down. because you’re not a good person. and so you revert again, harder this time, try to convince yourself that this is good, actually, this is fun! you used to be able to enjoy this part of yourself! but you can’t, really, you can’t stomach it anymore, but neither can the man who’s offered you a home aboard his ship. so you leave him. you leave, and you think it’s for good. this is who you are.

until it absolutely can’t be. until you can’t stomach it at all. and he’s in trouble now, so you bolt back to the ship that’s become your home, allowing yourself to be captured just so you can see him and ensure that he’s alright. and in this moment you commit to staying with him, and being the person he believes you can be. because trying to be that person has brought him to you, hasn’t it?

so you confess to the murder even he didn’t commit because it’ll keep him safe. and then you step into the line of a firing squad to bargain for his life. and then you sign yourself into ten years of service to the fucking crown, even though your life wasn’t the one on the line. even though you could have just walked away. you sign yourself away because that’s the only choice this man has and you want to stay with him. you want to be this good person with him.

you go with him, and not a day passes before you tell him openly, honestly, how happy he makes you, how you want to be with him, how you’ll go anywhere with him and you’ll set the whole thing up yourself! and he agrees. and you arrange everything.

and he never arrives. all that, and he never arrives.