hey can you come over and surgically remove this heavy, aching rot from my heart? we can watch a movie afterwards

She really said, "just so it's on the public record, my fiancé and I both have big dicks." Good for them.

Austin telling Taylor that her missing her exes was like "eating out of the trash" was so real of him

fiber arts is really a laundering scheme for mathematics.

“how to get rid of smile lines” my god you people hate everything

do you know one day you’re gonna die and smile lines won’t fucking matter

cats know keyboard shortcuts even microsoft doesnt know about

so are all the christians gone yet or is this going to be an afternoon rapture

it happened but the only true christian on earth was a green-breasted hummingbird. he will be dearly missed by his friends and family who assumed he was eaten by an outdoor cat, but other than that, life remains unchanged