Let's try this again

Oh yeah my rad sister ordered me this modern assassin design from FUCKING HONG KONG as a late birthday present because the Firefly shirts she’d originally ordered were delivered to the wrong address and instead of sending it back saying it was the wrong address the asshat who recieved the package kept our matching shirts (if I ever find the bastard my foot is going so far up their ass they’ll taste rubber for dinner)

I fucking love it but the one problem is that it’s kind of big on me because my sister’s a dumb-butt and ordered a medium in Men’s size.

this is 911 state your emergency

YES I NEED HELP IMMEDIATELY I CAN’T FIND MY LIZARD

911 I THINK MY LIZARD IS BROKEN

YOU THINK YOU’VE GOT PROBLEMS? MY PHONE SEEMS TO HAVE LOST IT’S LEGS

911 I CAN’T GET MY PHONE OFF THE RECEIVER

MA’AM YOUR PHONE NEEDS TO BE IN THE UNLOCKED POSITION AND MAY NEED TO BE PROVIDED WITH ADDITIONAL HARDWARE TO FUNCTION CORRECTLY.

YES HELLO 911 CAN YOU HEAR ME I DROPPED MY HEADSET IN THE WATER DO YOU READ

TO BE HONEST 911, I AM NOT SURE WHAT MY PHONE IS DOING

911 MY PHONE IS FACING THE WRONG WAY AND I CAN’T GET IT TO TURN AROUND.

yes 911 hello all these people are crazy

In India, a snake protects two pups for 48 hours after they accidentally fall into a hole. At first it was thought that she wanted to attack them, but then noticed she was caring for the puppies. When rescued, the snake was released into a forest. 

It is impossible not to share it with you.

On gay marriage:

“No, you don’t understand, Mittens, of course I recognize gay marriage and complete equal benefits for my employees; I trust them with the best technology and equipment and explosives in the country.  As long as they don’t blow up my facilities, I’ll do whatever’s necessary to keep them happy and healthy.  Explosives, Mittens.”

On reproductive rights:

“Just for a second, close your eyes, and imagine that the Black Widow is your co-worker.  And also lives two floors down from you, so she knows where you sleep.  She once incapacitated me- for my own health, of course, but that’s irrelevant- she can do any job a man can do, better, without breaking a sweat, and she learned ‘enhanced interrogation’ from the KGB.  Do you want to tell her what she can or cannot do with her own body?  I thought not.  Okay, moving on.”

On jobs:

“Who remembers that stock crash when I first came out as Iron Man and said I wasn’t making weapons anymore?”  *uncomfortable snickers from audience* 

“No, go ahead, laugh.  Everyone thought I was crazy.  Pepper thought I was crazy, and I owe her a pony for putting up with me all these years.  Oh, shoot, national TV, now I have to give her one, don’t I?  Anyway, they thought I was crazy, because I was shutting down the biggest branch of SI, where most of our manufacturing and research went.  Investors didn’t have hope.  But you know what?  We took those brilliant people, got some fresh ideas, remodeled some factories, and not one employee got laid off that year.  Because if you people work hard, and work together, and you work in a fair environment where every crazy, brilliant idea has a chance to flourish, then you can take half a company and grow it to bigger than it was before.

And that’s what we need to do with jobs in this country.  These unemployment statistics?  Suck.  So let me give you some numbers about how I plan to fix that, so we can get this country working again.  Here’s the plan: and then he goes and gives statistics, and Romney makes a fish face, because Pepper Gave Him Notecards And He Actually Followed Them.  Well, for this part of the speech. 

On defense:

I am Iron Man, in case you don’t watch the news.  Also, we have a Hulk.  Just putting that out there.  Considering the events of the last few years, I think other countries will think twice about pissing off President Stark.

On green energy: Stark is pretty much still the only name in green energy, and all our new facilities are LEED Gold certified. We’re still working on upgrades to some of the oldest buildings, but they’re well on their way. You know how hard it is to get building permits in California?  So yeah, I support the efforts we make in this country to live more sustainably.  Because I love this country, and I’d like to save it for the long run.  It’s kind of what I do. Because it’s awfully hard to Avenge against pollution. 

And in case they get into a dick size contest over who loves America more…

NOT this:

when i was your age we had an animated disney castle intro

So a friend of mine pitched down the sound of a baby crying and

I’m really uncomfortable

ew

ALERT**** ALERT**** ALERT****(Not sure if this has gone out yet)