Take Me To The Place That I Call Home

Self-Expression

As it turns out, the two people who are the most pessimistic about their situation are, of course, the most resentful concerning their humanity. But what does it mean when one is angry about their lack of access to their human nature, while the other is angry about how they can’t escape their human nature?

Personality

Both characters fit the "asshole" archetype in a way, but their inner turmoil contradicts the image they project. Zooble is arguably the sanest person in the cast; not just because they are generally levelheaded but because they are unafraid to speak their mind. This often results in them coming off as a blunt, sometimes cold person who tends to distance themself from the adventures (but ultimately not the people). What is revealed over episodes 3–7 is that Zooble does have some serious insecurities and unrest despite how self-assured they appear. At the same time, this humanity also displays the heart of gold they have at the center of their personality; which allows them to let people in and bond in spite of their turmoil. 

Jax both reflects this struggle, but the outward projection is very different. At first glance, Jax appears much more sociable and even likable despite how much of a jerk he is. He also speaks his mind, but in a way that is more agreeable with the adventures and rules of the circus. Meanwhile, the people around him often suffer as a result of his brutal actions. What his internal struggle reveals is how much he does care about having control over his circumstances. The fear and insecurity he has about his human nature does not allow for any vulnerability. As a result, he only pushes people away and gets caught in self-destructive and isolating cycles. The dichotomy here is that while Zooble can separate themselves from the superficial, scripted interactions of the adventures, they still reach out for real human connection. But Jax, no matter how much he pretends to not care, and how often he involves himself in the company of others, still feels the weight of his isolation.

Profanities

Cursing is a natural way for people to express anything from humor to fury. So to see the very different extents as to which both these characters use them says a lot about how they fight or give in to the rules of the circus. Zooble curses whenever they please, being unapologetic about how they really feel at any given moment. Despite the censorship of the circus, they don't care if the word itself isn't heard; it's the human expression of their emotions that gets across (anger, shock, annoyance). At first, this trait does come off as juvenile or unnecessary in a world that doesn’t need profanities. But what is important is that Zooble is able to have serious conversations with both people they respect like Gangle, and those that they don’t like Caine. The cursing is not done in order to “act mature”, but to rebelliously keep a natural part of their personality from before the circus. It has authentic roots, not attention-seeking ones.

Conversely, Jax follows the rules of the circus and integrates non-cursing to the performance of his character. He will gladly follow them as it doesn’t get in the way of his act as an instigator, since much of his “profanities” are displayed through his actions instead of words. But he can’t always keep this facade up, as long-buried emotions will bring up old habits. The one time he does curse is when his control over a situation is lost, like in his argument with Pomni in episode 6, and the mask slips. But even in other moments when he is incredibly angry or distressed (most notably Caine's betrayal in episode seven) Jax's separation from his humanity continues to be reinforced (he was right).

Gender

Their experiences with gender look very different on the surface, but both carry the same kind of internal struggle. What Zooble struggles with is body and gender dysphoria; the image of their identity does not match the physical arrangement of their parts. It is likely that this is something they may have struggled with in real life, making this problem cut even deeper. Yet they still want to confront this struggle head-on instead of ignoring it. There's a desire to find what feels "right" by figuring out which parts could achieve that purpose (episode 3). But it turns out, "right" does not need to be a single expression. It says a lot that they verbally accept this truth for the first time with Jax; “maybe the ability to change is fine” (episode 7). They come to not only accept their "gimmick" but the fact that they don't need to “solve” the struggle in the way that Caine wanted them to. The parts box is now a means of exploration instead of a one-way solution to their dysphoria.

On the other hand, Jax not only projects an “archetype” on himself, but a strict expression of masculinity. In order to assert his "manliness" over the body he was given, his masculinity is just as much a part of the mask as his "cartoon" act. This is most notable from the bedrooms we’ve seen in the circus so far, as they likely materialize as an internal struggle that each player has to confront—Zooble’s room is covered in mirrors, serving as a constant reminder of their dysphoria. So what may truly lie underneath Jax’s performative and toxic masculinity is a disdain for how he desires feminine expression, and in turn, feminine identity, which is completely laid bare in every aspect of his room.

It is a part of himself that he likely feels a lot of shame about, even in a place where he isn’t faced with the judgement of the outside world. But wouldn’t it hurt more to be judged by the only people he has left? As a result, he projects that insecurity towards other feminine things or people (e.g. disdain towards Gangle's shy behavior, Ragatha's gentle nature, and calling Zooble a "damsel" in a directly demeaning sense). There’s clearly a lot buried here that he refuses to address, and that I don’t feel qualified to talk in depth about as a cis person. But I do think that this is one area where Jax might feel envy towards Zooble as someone who can openly express their real gender identity even with the risk of judgement.

Ultimately, while Zooble’s conflict is very internalized like Jax’s, there is little external projection. They don’t feel the need to prove themself to anyone while he needs to push everyone away and play off his behavior as completely detached. Jax has to actively put the mask up in order to deflect his humanity, but Zooble willingly puts their walls down even when it seems pointless.

Dialogue

The amount of dialogue these two share is kind of insane, especially when they talk about or to the same character. I was able to narrow down several examples to three pairs of scenes, and each has a theme or idea that goes deeper into their psyche. However, there are also a ton of little examples that I did not have the time to include (this section is already long enough) that also reflect these ideas as well.

Example #1: Archetypes - EP 3/EP 6

This set of scenes are probably my favorite out of the three, and it’s a really good place to start when we consider how their relationship with humanity can also tell us how much they really know about their fellow circus members. For context, Zooble’s lines are from the therapy scene with Caine in episode three, while Jax’s lines are from the hallway conversation with Pomni during episode six.

Ragatha: "too nice to say anything." / "the cheerful one!"

Both Zooble and Jax perceive her behavior as routinely friendly, but the former really acknowledges Ragatha's people pleasing. She isn't necessarily "cheerful" all the time because she always has an optimistic outlook. Rather, she's too afraid to act otherwise in fear of upsetting others, and being perceived as too harsh. In the context of Caine, even here she is too wary of criticizing the adventures that are literally made to entertain them. It's also important to note that Jax doesn't say "nice" but "cheerful" which highlights his distrust of her.

Gangle: "too shy to speak up." / "the sad one!"

Zooble very clearly does not reduce Gangle to her mask "gimmick" by saying she struggles with being sad all the time. Instead, they state a different and more pressing struggle she has; self-esteem. She has come to believe that her opinions, or even her experiences don’t matter to others because of the mistreatment she's faced by Jax. Meanwhile, he wants to be blind to this harm and reduces it to her "broken" masking.

Each other: "Jax just likes to fuck with everybody." / "Zooble's the grumpy one!"

Yet again, Zooble pinpoints the root of the behavior by bluntly stating Jax's desire for control over others. He only goes along with the adventures because it allows him to disrupt everyone else’s peace. This is something he even acknowledges about himself later on, but without the key element of his disassociation. It is this separation from humanity that allows him to justify his own actions. Meanwhile, his view on Zooble is simplistic and he sees their resistance to the circus as just "grumpiness".

Additionally, one detail I absolutely love about this parallel is that Zooble looks directly at the audience (breaking the fourth wall like he does) and Jax flips off Pomni, mirroring their gesture.

Kinger: "insane." / "the crazy one!"

This is, funnily enough, the only similar description they both have. Despite the fact that Kinger has been present in the circus for a long time and clearly has some knowledge buried underneath his silly facade, they both see him as someone who's lost it. However, when this perception is challenged in episode eight, Zooble accepts this change while Jax continues to panic due to the collapse of his archetypal reality.

Pomni: "looks traumatized everytime she comes back from one." / "and you haven't figured that out yet."

Now here is a bit of a subversion; at first glance, Zooble is the one with a more reductive view of Pomni (though at the time it is accurate) while Jax is giving her the ability to choose as he can’t seem to put a label on her. But it's clear that the overarching motives still remain the same, as the former seeks to sympathize and explain to Caine while the latter looks to diminish everyone's struggles. This includes Pomni's, which in this instance he's attempting to mold her into the kind of archetype he wants (someone to encourage his crimes). Yet at the same time, it strangely gives her a freedom to define herself even if it is for the sake of dehumanizing her, just as he does with everyone else.

Themselves: "I don't like myself. I hate this body, I hate all these stupid removable pieces. I just want to find something that feels... good." / "I add a key dynamic! I see how far I can push things, I screw with people, and I break the fourth wall! ... Cause I'm the funny one!"

Even with an unfeeling AI like Caine, Zooble is still able to be vulnerable about their dysphoria. They aren't afraid to be frustrated with the human struggles they still face, even if he won't understand. Ultimately, they don't care about how others will feel about their expression but about how they personally feel. However, Zooble's end goal is to find one thing that feels good, when one arrangement of parts might not be what actually feels right.

But Jax defines himself based on his relationship to other people—specifically in finding their breaking point. So much of his archetype is about the performance. How can he convince everyone (and in a meta sense, the audience that he refers to when he breaks the fourth wall) that the character is real? While Zooble is focused on self-reflection, he is concerned with how everyone else perceives him as that defines how well he can "remove" his humanity. In the end, it’s all about his dynamic with everyone else, and that’s how he can convince himself that his role is “necessary” even when everyone hates him for it.

Example #2: Humanity/Reality

When it comes to discussions about humanity, I find it really interesting that these two conversations are framed with two different relationships; Zooble/Gangle and Jax/Pomni. Both Zooble and Jax start to form a new friendship starting in episode four and they are more formally established with the teams in EP 6. From here on out, their conversations with that person start to noticeably parallel one another.

Zooble’s scenes are from their conversation with Gangle in episode six and episode seven, and Jax’s lines are again pulled from episode six. While many like to dissect the fight with Pomni as most indicative to the way he thinks about his humanity, I personally think this earlier scene tells us even more about how detached he’s trying to be.

Jax, EP 6: "You know none of this is real, right? ... Why do you care about [not hurting your friends]?"

Here is the line where it is made clear that Jax's motivation to control others stems from the belief that they aren't even human. Even with his later crashout near the end of this episode, this phrase is still the most disturbing to me simply due to his delivery. He is so matter-of-fact about it that he likely genuinely believes it, or at least really wants to. It's a means of justifying his own actions; they aren't human and he isn't human, so any emotions or pain that present themselves aren’t real either.

Zooble, EP 7: "It always was real. Everything we felt. Everything we've done. Everything we are. It'll never leave us."

In direct contrast with the last quote, Zooble believes everything that they have experienced in the circus is real, even if the world itself isn't. The only thing that will change when everyone goes back to the real world is the physical realm they exist in, not the soul. It validates their relationship with Gangle as something that extends beyond the digital confines of their reality. But Jax's reaction to Zooble saying this in the background is panic; he recognizes that once he goes back to the real world, every terrible thing he has done in the circus will still have weight and consequence (which then shifts over to his actions in the real world—he can't go back to that) and so he presses the red button.

Jax, EP 6: "You want to hold onto that part of you that still thinks it's part of that world, but in the end, what does it get you? ... Whether we like it or not, all we are now is a bunch of cartoon characters. So what's the point of pretending we're not?"

Jax concludes this whole argument with his belief that "we all just became archetypes" which suggests a shift towards becoming non-human. He's given up hope at this point for not only escape, but also that he'll never be the same person he was before. He doesn't see himself as a person due to so many years of being separated from his real life and body. With that, Jax is projecting his own (attempted) disassociation onto every other member of the circus. Yet he himself has played a role in keeping the other members in their "archetype"—Gangle remains "sad" due to her mistreatment, Ragatha is "cheerful" in the hopes that her attitude can outweigh his actions, and Zooble is always "grumpy" from being instigated by him.

Zooble, EP 6: "You're a human. You're not his toy. ... It's a part of you that's real, and the only you that you should care about is the real you. You have to choose to love yourself even if it doesn't make sense. It's not natural, it's intentional."

What makes this quote so significant is that Zooble says this not to assert or comfort themself, but to directly comfort someone else. They may not believe it fully yet, but it encompasses their worldview in a place where the cast has been stripped of their ability to express and even love themself naturally. Gangle's autonomy and identity is validated, and in turn, she validates Zooble's identity (through her perspective) as well.

Additionally, it is important to note that Jax’s conversation with Pomni and Zooble’s conversation with Gangle will greatly determine the trajectory that these relationships will take later on.

Example #3: Caine and Humans

Lastly, I think the way that their relationship with Caine parallels one another says a lot about how connected they are to their own humanity. How does the most (seemingly) detached character versus the most attached character react differently to a one-on-one conversation with their AI captor? For two people who are often quite confrontational or instigative, the context of their circumstances have forced Jax and Zooble to take a different approach.

EP 3: Therapy Session

Caine recognizes his lack of human ability in creating his "art"—"And if what you're saying is that I'm bad at the only thing I'm good at, then that would... be..."—which highlights something deeper than an inability to capture Zooble’s interest. Their inherent connection with their own humanity is something that Caine can never appeal to, as it is something he lacks in his creations. With every adventure Zooble avoids, it is yet another failed attempt at capturing a human experience. This might be why Caine craves their validation so much; it would affirm his own desired humanity from the one person who refuses to see him in that way. But interestingly enough, it is this challenging conversation that gets a human-like reaction out of Caine—frustration and doubt, not just anger like other times.

I think it is also important to notice the context behind the adventure in this episode, as Caine has intentionally tried to shift his artistic direction into something that Zooble would like. But his attempts at maturity only result in something terrifying and violent. Or in other words, something that Jax would have much more preferred—especially after lamenting over the “anti-climactic” lack of blood, death and violence in the previous episode.

EP 7: Dinner Date

Caine showing his adoration for humanity and wanting them to like him—"Is it that I'm actually a cool guy with cool hobbies and not that much different from you beautiful humans?"—is something that Jax superficially seems to display, as he's always gone along with each adventure. Yet this is only because he has tried to abandon his humanity, accepting the wacky hijinks of Caine's stories because they carry no human logic, only familiar fictional tropes that allow him to enact chaos against the others. Hence, Caine's ideal participants would not be human, but more like fictional characters. In episode five we see Caine watching the “President Pomni” adventure through a TV screen, perceiving Jax’s behavior as "phenomenal acting” since so much of his personality is literally a performance. Even the entertainer seeks to be entertained.

But Jax's passive acceptance of the adventures is not what Caine wants, rather affirmation that his personality is indeed “human-enough” from someone who seems to like his work. And contrasting from his debate with Zooble, this only has the opposite effect of Caine failing to recognize what the circus members really want and need. What stands out here is that despite the thematic opposition between Zooble and Jax, Caine still wants validation from both of them and fails at truly gaining both. His character is a complex, contradictory enigma as he’s too human (selfish, needy) for Jax, but too artificial (aloof, inept) for Zooble.

Dynamics

There’s a lot that I could cover when it comes to dynamics, so reducing the complexities of their relationships to a few core examples is definitely challenging. But one thing that you can really pull from Zooble and Jax’s relationships is that they inversely mirror one another. As Zooble grows closer to some of the others (most notably with Gangle) they grow as a character; but while Jax does the same (most notably with Pomni) he digs himself into a deeper, lonelier grave. This has everything to do with what they want out of these relationships and how they go about getting it.

With each other

It is very easy to take Zooble's comment in episode five ("Fun isn't the thing I hate.") at face value. They do not make their disdain for Jax subtle, but there are lines they won't cross in humbling him. The way they describe him in episode 3 shows that they recognize his true intentions—not to "have fun" but to mess with people's minds. Ultimately, Zooble doesn't hate the human, but the character. They hate his performance of the "funny one" as it doesn't aim to make others laugh but to make himself feel powerful. So, while Zooble sees right through his facade, they don’t exactly know what's on the other side. Regardless, they know that despite the way Jax acts, there is still a human soul that deserves some respect and help underneath.

The partial olive branch they offer him in episode seven shows that any discord between the two won't stop them from still being concerned with his wellbeing. And the invitation Zooble gives him to be a part of the group (“you’re still one of us”) in episode eight makes it impossible for Jax to keep thinking that they couldn’t care less about him. It also says a lot that the line “go off and abstract or something” is exactly what almost happened after Jax had left their last conversation in the prior episode. He can try to pretend that everything is okay, but Zooble’s perceptiveness continues to knock down his many attempts to keep playing his role.

On the other hand, Jax is consistently trying to shove Zooble into one archetype or another, but their resistance makes this somewhat difficult. Instead, he reduces them to being the “grumpy” one, in a way that makes their dynamic kind of like a rivalry. Both find a way of getting back at one another, but he knows that if he pushes a little too roughly, Zooble won’t just take it but will actively find a way to get back at him. As a result, Jax never tries to seriously cross the line with making them suffer like he does with Gangle. This balancing act between holding back and knowing when to strike reveals how the two of them push each other's buttons in a way that is both deliberately retaliatory and shows how much they know/remember about each other. If anything, there is a familiarity that could be reminiscent of a more lighthearted relationship, which is most noticeable when they are forced to work together in episode eight.

In fact, this might be why Jax chooses to engage with them again and again. It’s almost reminiscent of the playful banter he likely had with Ribbit and Kaufmo. Yet Jax’s interactions with Zooble are clearly undercut by mutual resentment, and in some moments, you can see how their antagonism takes him off guard sometimes. He can’t keep the illusion of a “friendship” both because of their (understandable) mistrust of him, and he would never let himself be that vulnerable with someone he’s supposed to dislike. They are a constant reminder of who he could be—assertive but not mean, independent but not isolated. As such, he feels both disdainful and likely, envious toward them.

With Gangle

Other than the most distinctive quality of the relationship being how kindly Zooble treats her compared to Jax, there is another aspect that I think is less obvious. What is notably prominent in the show is that Jax insists on constantly engaging with Gangle. This isn't just because she is an easy target, but her lack of resistance validates Jax's "archetype" belief and his need for attention. He can't play his role as the "funny one" without a participant to constantly be at the receiving end, and Gangle unwillingly fits the part. Despite what he says about his lack of care for the circus members and belief that they've all lost their humanity, deep down, he craves interaction. Without it, there is no role for him to play.

So when Gangle starts to form a genuine relationship with Zooble, a person who actually enjoys her company, she is no longer the "sad one". They see her as a person who is more than her mask, and encourage her to stand up against Jax's control. This change in Gangle’s development isn’t because of the “power of friendship” but the humanity that Zooble actively brings into the relationship. They aren’t looking to hide their flaws with Gangle or play any kind of “role”. While they don’t open up as much about personal struggles like they were forced to do with Caine, this relationship gives comfort to both themself and to someone else who really needs it. Zooble doesn’t view Gangle as someone they need to change or “toughen up” but to encourage and support, which is exactly what ends up making her stronger. 

With this, I think Jax definitely envies the real connection that Gangle has with someone else as something he has lost before (Ribbit, anyone?) and probably will never have again. These two lines that he says in episode five—“Do you think Gangle is capable of being happy? … Does she think hanging out with Zooble is going to magically fix that?”—implies so much. He’s afraid that this carefully constructed reality about the kind of character Gangle is can be destroyed by one person who treats her like a human being. Which means his own detachment is at risk too.

With Pomni

Pretty much all of Jax’s relationship with Pomni is characterized by a lack of understanding or compassion. He simply wants to make her a clone of him; the benefits of having a “partner in crime” without the emotional investment of a real friendship. The more he tries to convince himself that her humanity isn’t real, the more it ends up hurting himself in the end. In episode six, it is very clear that his original goal was not as straightforward as it seemed due to the actual connection that the two of them are able to make by working together. This is the reason why he’s so quick to downplay any reference to the two of them as a “team” —they’re just two characters who happened to be paired together for this adventure. But at the same time, he can’t help but feel shame and regret after the fight as this connection is likely something he hasn’t had in a long time.

While Zooble’s relationship with Pomni is much less emphasized, I think that the bar scene in episode five actually says a lot about how Zooble’s real personality makes Jax feel insecure. Pomni shows genuine interest in their skills, which Jax immediately has to undermine by making vaguely demeaning comments on their queer identity. He’s trying to bring back that “grumpy” role, refusing to let them get comfortable in an environment that highlights Zooble’s actual personality outside of the role he has assigned them. While Jax is mostly unsuccessful (Zooble finds out about the corn weakness) he’s able to shift Pomni’s attention back to himself with his “apology” and looks for the opportunity to catch her off guard. If Zooble is going to have Gangle for themself, he can at least test to see if Pomni will be as agreeable (spoiler alert: she isn’t).

And with that, just as Jax starts to notice the bond between Zooble and Gangle in episodes five and six, Zooble does the same concerning his relationship with Pomni. When they approach Jax on the beach in episode seven, they talk about how talking through things “with the people I trust” could help him, with a very clear glance back in Pomni’s direction. This comes right after episode six, where Zooble benefitted from a real moment of confiding with Gangle and ended up learning something new about themself. Gangle wholeheartedly believed in their confidence and self-esteem, which encouraged them to believe that those qualities aren’t fabricated, but a true reflection of their character. With that, Zooble recognizes that Jax (someone who could be facing a similar internal conflict) could benefit from the support that comes from a real friendship, and sees Pomni as someone who is capable of fulfilling that role.

These three facets continuously reinforce the idea that Jax and Zooble need interaction in their lives, but for very different goals. Zooble remains distant at first but comes to discover the beauty that comes from the mundane; even the most ridiculous and violent adventures can provide opportunities for community. And unlike Jax, it isn’t for the sake of personal entertainment, but rather a way to embrace the circumstances they’ve been forced into. 

What Does This Mean for The End of TADC?

To wrap up, I want to consider what some of these thoughts might imply for the finale as someone who hasn’t seen any leaks thus far. I think we can all agree at this point that much of it will likely focus on Pomni and Jax’s relationship, and that’s something that I’m honestly not mad about. There’s a lot there that the finale could dive into, and I’m excited to see it for myself. But there is one idea that I want to present that might be a bit controversial; Pomni isn’t the right person to “help” or “save” Jax. This doesn’t mean she’ll actively hurt him, but her perspective comes from a place of recent human experience—she hasn’t had any real loss within the context of the circus yet. The closest thing she had to that was Gummigoo, and even with that, there wasn’t the regret that might come from all the missed opportunities or unspoken words that would come from a long-term relationship.

Then the next obvious answer would be Kinger, right? I mean, there’s the clear parallel of loss between Queenie and Ribbit, and Kinger has clearly had the ability to grieve over his partner in a healthier way. But what Jax lacks as of now (and likely won’t gain over the course of this last episode) is a real respect for who Kinger is as a person. He’s seen those moments of clarity and wisdom from episode eight, but that’s only the tip of the iceberg. There’s no backstory he's aware of in Kinger’s life during the circus to build off of. And much of Kinger’s support to others has been reinforcing the existing humanity of people like Pomni and Ragatha, where their fear (of Caine) or empathy (for Pomni and in turn, Jax) has become too much for them to carry alone.

Gangle definitely shouldn’t be in a position to help Jax after everything he’s done to her, and Ragatha has already tried and failed because of their closely shared history and grief. So that leaves us with one person, which seems deliberately convenient for the sake of my argument… or does it?

Kinger isn’t the only character that has had candid conversations. Gangle admits to Zooble that she’s starting to lose her sense of humanity because of how Jax has treated her. His harassment has become something inevitable, and the only way to avoid the worst of it is to play her role. But Zooble affirms that even with the very personal nature of their “avatar gimmicks” the soul still resides underneath. And to accept one’s reality is to love yourself—mistakes, flaws and all—no matter how impossible or difficult it seems. So would it be a stretch to assume that since the EP 6 conversation with Gangle is about Jax, then there could be some kind of future conversation Zooble has with Jax about Caine, the circus, and Pomni?

That kind of conversation (or more likely, argument) would definitely be the most difficult challenge Zooble would have in the entire show. It would require an insane amount of patience, understanding and maturity to navigate. But interestingly, what I do think they have above almost anyone else in the circus is a higher degree of respect from Jax himself. Which might not say a lot (this is Jax we’re talking about), yet it does mean something. With everything we just covered, it's clear that with the envy Jax has, it also comes with a vague sense of kinship. Most importantly, we know that as much as Zooble hates him, their emotional maturity shows that they believe he has the right to accept himself fully. That he has the right and the will to live.

I would hope that this kind of conversation could take place, not only for plot reasons but for the significance of all the buildup and thematic foiling we’ve seen between the two of them so far. Yet… I think the finale might deliberately leave that unfulfilled because it is the one conversation that might pull Jax far enough from the edge to get him to reconsider his ways, even for just a moment. To leave this push-and-pull in a kind of “checkmate” or a tragic ending would make this relationship more special, not as a lost opportunity that ruins the story but one that makes the ending cut even deeper. Maybe in another life, things could have turned out differently, and these two could have met in different circumstances—human ones, where they wouldn’t have to deal with the question of who they are in a digital world that constantly denies it.