Apparently it's really weird and old timey of me to call evil old men and evil old women sepulchres and pismires. I was like what the fuck are you talking about. I used to call them those things all the time when I worked as a barista. because there were soooo many sepulchres and pismires. friends are like I fully think you were the very odd coworker everyone had a fucking story about. Okay well first of all I worked with two people pretty diminutive in stature in comparison to me, who thought touching too much coffee grounds in a day would give you cancer. They wouldn't have dared to spread stories about me. They used to shake and hide behind the bins when I had to go ask the nail bar next door to stop locking us out of our own storage room, okay. So that's not the issue here. You're telling me you've never called a fucked up old man a sepulchre

sister was talking about how she had a moment that made her question reality the other day. Basically just before waking she had this incredibly vivid dream she was texting her friend to decide on a meeting place, and they'd agreed together in her dream they'd meet at (specific location) at (specific time). And then she woke up, but for a second she was so disorientated she thought she'd actually texted her friend this stuff in reality, and they'd already had the exchange. Except when she opened her phone there was no evidence of these texts. So she texted her friend "?? Wtf where did our messages go?" and her friend was like "yo I had the craziest dream I was just texting you half an hour ago that we were going to meet at (exact same place) at (exact same time). And I'm genuinely getting scared reading our messages right now" and anyway they're both very shaken and unsure if telepathy exists. And idk personally if telepathy exists, but see, I already knew dreams at least were a universal playing field, cause when I was in school I used to be able to predict when my friend jacked off the night previously based off of a dream I had about being in his room screaming at him for jacking off in front of me randomly in the middle of a conversation we were having. And he'd be spooked the next day because he'd be like alright you little telepathic son of a bitch. did I jack off last night or nah. And I'd be completely grave about the subject like yes.... I had the dream again. 100% accuracy hit rate. Twin Peaks type beat

My mom was saying to me earlier today that in order to make her happy forever I needed to go and kill my dad. But, you see, [fond laughter] I wasn't taking the bait. No no no. Not quite!