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1) TS and Joe met in early May 2016 at the Met Gala. The only evidence of this is the lyric “your buzz cut, my hair bleached”. Many pictures were taken of all attendees, but even though Joe has a big reputation, and the two of them being together would be a big conversation, not a single picture of them meeting has surfaced, not even from some poor non-celebrity who was star-struck and took 14,000 photos that night and could sell a photo of the two of them meeting to The Daily Mail for thousands of dollars. Meawhile, we have tons of pictures and video of TS with KK and TH. Dancing the night away. Grinding even.

2) So TS was smitten with Joe from the first moment because he is so gorgeous, just look at his face, love at first sight, they loved without reason. But she couldn’t make a move on him because she was still dating CH. But she gets his number and they become friends. 3 weeks later she dumps CH. But instead of acting on her instantaneous “love at first sight” attraction to Joe, she starts dating TH. Meanwhile, her castle crumbled overnight due to K*mye. Hiddleswift have a whirlwind romance in which they meet each other’s families. The GP hate the romance and think it’s fake. After three months, they breakup because she was just drinking.

3) After living for an entire month on her own and deciding she is better off living alone, she decides to act on her attraction to Joe and they start dating. They decide to keep the relationship completely secret, except to their close friends and family. The sex is fabulous. She gives him three orgasms. They go out in disguise and she no one knows about them and she is always shaking and pacing from holding back from him when they go to the kebab shop after the pub.

4) Within the the first 3 months of being together, he stands by her with his broad shoulders while she goes through her worst times. These worst times are apparently even worse than when her castle crumbled overnight in June 2016. We don’t know what it could have been, but it was pretty bad because she almost drowned herself. But she recognized he was a love that is really something. She had a bad feeling. But she stays when he’s lost, it’s hard, she’s scared, he turns away, and the’re wrong and they’re making mistakes. Apparently the guys at the kebab shop started talkin’ and putting them through their paces. A three month relationship is very difficult to maintain (which we already know from all the incredible heartbreak/love songs she has written about 2-3 month relationships.) They have a New Year’s Eve party and she knows that she wants to be together forever more. Because he’s her End Game, she’s doing better than she ever was, and so she spends the next month writing an entire album about her angel boyfriend of three months.

5) Finally, after 7 or 8 months (9 if you ask her dad) they go public with their relationship. The Daily Mail and The Sun interview everyone who has ever known him and we learn that all the girls in school threw themselves at him because he was so handsome and humble and talented and charming, but as far as they knew he’d never had a girlfriend because he was married to his craft. Wow, TS is so lucky!

I wonder when they’ll get married and a have 10 kids.