smack cam 😔

apologies from the intercom

and i am relieved that i left my room tidy

they’ll think of me kindly

when they come for my things

they’ll never know how i stared at the dark

im my room

with no thoughts

like a blood sniffing shark

and while my dreams made music in the night

carefully

i was going to live.

you wouldn’t leave til we loved in the morning

you’d learned from the movies how love ought to be

and you’d say you loved me and look in my eyes

but i know through mine

you were looking in yours

did you know the liberty bell is a replica

silently housed in its original walls

and while its dreams played music in the night

quietly

i was told to believe

i always wanted to die clean and pretty

but id be too busy on working days

so i am relieved that the turbulence wasn’t forecasted

i couldn’t have changed anyways.

i am relieved that i left my room tidy.

but that doesnt help me any if you’re impossible to read

so if you love me,

if you love me

come clean.

these monsters in my closet are watching over me.

the days are getting shorter and at night its getting hard to sleep

the combination of all this

is the death of everything

so if you love me,

if you love me

hurry

because i dont think that wasting a second of this time

would benefit the outcome of the life i had in mind

i’ll refer to you as my special love,

the one who set me free

so if you love me,

if you love me

come clean.

waiting around until things grow old

im feeling lost in towns that were my home

and if everything was easier before

then we’ll go back to who we were

so im picking up a book in search of what i need

from religion to fiction

being lost about at sea

and all i can imagine

is being brushed against your cheek

so if you love me,

if you love me

i could pretend it was out of pure curiosity but i have gotten worse at lying to myself these days

i could sense it, honestly. but still, i felt shocked when i saw the number.

when i step off the scale i let out a breath i didn’t realize i was holding.

i am twenty years old now and somehow smaller than i was when i was sixteen.

i am unsure how this makes me feel. a strange mixture of joy and grief washes over me.

it is ingrained in my soul that the smaller i am, the easier i am to consume.

but i am losing so many parts of myself.

how much more can i shrink before there is nothing left of me?

how much is left to lose?

i feel disrespected

i dont feel seen

and i’m wondering if its something we can mend

but every time i try, it happens again;

again and again.

i want my mama but my mama calls me names

i don’t understand

why she plays such funny games

and im wondering if i can ever win?

but every time i try, it happens again.

again and again.

and im wondering, what is the fix?

but every time i try

nothing ever sticks.

and i’m wondering why she treats me like this

and wondering

is making me physically sick.

i want my mama but my mama’s being mean.

i feel disrespected.

i don’t feel seen.

and i’m wondering if it’s something we can mend

but every time i try, it happens again.

it happens again.

again and again

again

and

again.

but i keep clinging on whilst knowing that i treat you worse every day

i am distant in mind and i am distant in body

even with me by your side, you’ll be inevitably lonely

and of one thing im sure, its that you deserve more

i am selfish and distracted, some weeks barely interactive

i am difficult and late, i do not save the date

i have myself prioritized

i ask your help in time but i so rarely give you mine

one molded perfectly by the father

and the other abandoned halfway

when it cracked in the kiln

i respect me

i dont need you to love me

i love me

but i want you to know you could know me

i wanna have control

i want a perfect body