Hello, I’m Rose

Things are just so tiring.

Work is exhausting, I am underappreciated and underpaid. We are sinking on the titanic and people are arranging deck chairs and asking why I’ve stopped playing the violin.

I now need health insurance because I had fucking cancer and now have to get yearly scans to play the game again of ‘is there something weird again that might completely ruin your life?’ All the while not losing enough weight because of the stress and what if something else is going wrong

And through all of this, I have a wonderful support system that either 1) tells me nothing is wrong and to stop thinking that way and keeps repeating that everything is fine so why am I stressing out, or 2) consistently inconsistent and never can keep a schedule or personal responsibility for their own life and just randomly crashes into mine with expectations that I will drop everything to do what they want and half the time totally forget about me and never get around to their demands anyway, or 3) so overwhelmed with their own issues and weight of the world where every time I message them is because I’m reaching for any element of light to carry on but yet I am such a huge encompassing burden that the light is snuffed out immediately and I just have to go ‘lol jk’ and pretend like everything is ok so I don’t become an even bigger burden, OR 4) complete random strangers online who I barely know and barely know me and only want to spend time with me when it is convenient and beneficial to them and would rather hang out in calls doing absolutely nothing but taking my free time away from me.

I can’t help but look forward to the day when I don’t have people I will disappoint by leaving - or the leaving will be inevitable and I am off the hook for being the cruel person to take the selfish way out of this hell hole.

Just when you think you’re floating along barely treading water and getting by, another thing comes and topples you under the waves.

The worst part is when it is the lifeboat that is supposed to be saving you is the one causing the ripples and actively running over you.

“Oh, you might as well go to the baby shower because it’s probably the only one you’ll get to go to”

“Well, I’m like the surrogate grandmother”

“You know, unless [Rose] one day ends up surprising us!”

The constant check ins. The ‘but of course we should go to the shower!’. The ‘look at this adorable onesie I bought her for Mother’s Day!’.

I have a hard enough time accepting where I am in life - unwed and no children, and zero prospect of that changing or even having the biological ability to change that. The last thing I needed was being ganged up on the phone with ‘oh well do we need to pay for your ticket?’ And the assumption, per usual, that everything is fine and of course I would want to do exactly what they want.

Of course I’m happy for her. I know how long she has wanted this, and how hard it has been for her each time it hasn’t happened.

If I go, not only would I have to take a 3.5 hour flight as the largest person on there, I then would have to spend multiple days alone with mom, then hours at this baby shower filled with people I don’t know and family that I haven’t spent time with in over 10 years, then spend more time alone, then fly back. All the while I know people will either blatantly ask ‘so how are you when is it your turn??’ Or just silently wonder it.

“Oh how’s your job?” - terrible, I hate it, I want a new one but the job searching market is terrible, and I don’t have the energy to do anything more than I currently am

“Oh, are you seeing anyone currently?” - no, I’m the heaviest I’ve ever been and I’m severely depressed and anxious so not able to put myself out on the market and think I’m worth anyone’s time. Plus, ya know, on a good day men are ‘meh’.

“So when are you going to start having babies??” - probably never. Even if my biological system was able to do that (which is a toss up both reproductively and mental/physical health wise), I would want my life to be in certain circumstances before I attempted to bring a new life into it, which I’m not currently in and dont have the ability to get myself to without a whole lot of time and effort.

‘Oh, maybe one day’ ‘oh I’m just focusing on my career’ ‘oh maybe I’ll have a cat soon’.

I could do it. I could suck it up and force myself to go and smile and be happy and cheerful. While being in such a deep and rotting depression and self hatred every single second.

But I could do it.

They deserve to be happy. And excited.