from now on we are enemies

It’s no secret that I was a dick far too often during LBD days. I was perpetually flippant and combative when called out about it, and just didn’t know how to shut the fuck up. It’s something that I have regretted for a very long time, and have had numerous private conversations about, but I never felt like it was a good idea to like, barge back into this space and talk about it. But not openly apologizing is also bad, so that was probably the wrong choice.

It’s shitty that I ruined people’s enjoyment of something, and I am really sorry for that. Saying it doesn’t change any of it, and I’m also aware that I doubled down on being a dick for far too long. I had a lot of shit to work through in those days, both in terms of my own personality defects and in terms of external factors, none of which are an excuse, but are just to say that those are things I have reflected on and adjusted over the years. These are far from new realizations, this apology is just being made many years after I wanted to make it.

I grew up in a deeply conservative Christian southern household, meaning women and girls were generally supposed to keep quiet, and Southern politeness meant you backed away from any conversations that could lead to unpleasant disagreements. I pushed back at that really hard growing up, and when I was no longer bound by it, I didn’t know how to stop pushing. Any perceived attempt to “silence” my opinions was knee-jerk perceived as a threat, which is obviously immature, incorrect, and absolute garbage. I swung the pendulum too hard in the opposite direction, when I really just needed to learn how to shut up for the right reasons — empathy and humility rather than all that other bullshit.

Again, this is not something I’m saying as an excuse, because it’s not. It’s important that this apology is unreserved and that I’m clear that the responsibility for my being an asshole is entirely mine, because it is. The bottom line is that it took me longer than it should have to figure out how to be less of a dick and to be more cognizant about the impact of what I say rather than just the intent. I do think it’s fair to say that I’ve changed a lot since I was in my early/mid 20s, and while I can certainly still say shitty stuff sometimes, it’s more about me being a moron than an asshole, usually. And most importantly, I’m better at listening when someone says I’m fucking up.