#rosevoid

AU by @daily-acvoid

Just when you think you’re floating along barely treading water and getting by, another thing comes and topples you under the waves.

The worst part is when it is the lifeboat that is supposed to be saving you is the one causing the ripples and actively running over you.

“Oh, you might as well go to the baby shower because it’s probably the only one you’ll get to go to”

“Well, I’m like the surrogate grandmother”

“You know, unless [Rose] one day ends up surprising us!”

The constant check ins. The ‘but of course we should go to the shower!’. The ‘look at this adorable onesie I bought her for Mother’s Day!’.

I have a hard enough time accepting where I am in life - unwed and no children, and zero prospect of that changing or even having the biological ability to change that. The last thing I needed was being ganged up on the phone with ‘oh well do we need to pay for your ticket?’ And the assumption, per usual, that everything is fine and of course I would want to do exactly what they want.

Of course I’m happy for her. I know how long she has wanted this, and how hard it has been for her each time it hasn’t happened.

If I go, not only would I have to take a 3.5 hour flight as the largest person on there, I then would have to spend multiple days alone with mom, then hours at this baby shower filled with people I don’t know and family that I haven’t spent time with in over 10 years, then spend more time alone, then fly back. All the while I know people will either blatantly ask ‘so how are you when is it your turn??’ Or just silently wonder it.

“Oh how’s your job?” - terrible, I hate it, I want a new one but the job searching market is terrible, and I don’t have the energy to do anything more than I currently am

“Oh, are you seeing anyone currently?” - no, I’m the heaviest I’ve ever been and I’m severely depressed and anxious so not able to put myself out on the market and think I’m worth anyone’s time. Plus, ya know, on a good day men are ‘meh’.

“So when are you going to start having babies??” - probably never. Even if my biological system was able to do that (which is a toss up both reproductively and mental/physical health wise), I would want my life to be in certain circumstances before I attempted to bring a new life into it, which I’m not currently in and dont have the ability to get myself to without a whole lot of time and effort.

‘Oh, maybe one day’ ‘oh I’m just focusing on my career’ ‘oh maybe I’ll have a cat soon’.

I could do it. I could suck it up and force myself to go and smile and be happy and cheerful. While being in such a deep and rotting depression and self hatred every single second.

But I could do it.

They deserve to be happy. And excited.