Ropey Librarian

I think a lot about the words we use to describe people and what words people use to describe themselves; that leads to questions surrounding how to address someone, what to call them, how do they wish to called? As a librarian I like labels and hierarchies and categorization, but humans are not books or pieces of data. And sometimes the role we are in, how we identify, or liked to be called changes. So based on that, how important are roles and labels? Are they the same as identity?

On Fetlife I have my role as kinkster, because I don’t identify with a more specific role strongly enough to claim it as who I am. I am a submissive in my primary relationship, but I don’t identify as a submissive in general. I am my Sir’s submissive and I am submissive to him and only him; it’s something that works with this particular person and may not work with anyone else.  And, I have different roles with different people. For example, I am also a top. When in that role, I am topping, but I wouldn’t call myself a dominant. When I’m bottoming for people other than my Sir, I am bottoming, not submitting, nor am I their submissive. But can a top be submissive? Yes. And bottoms can be dominant. Or both. Or neither.

Are people who submit submissive or are they a submissive? Do dominants dominate? What’s more important to identity: the word as a noun, or the verb as an act (role)? I don’t want to get pedantic with semantics, and I could spend a lot of time ranting about all sorts of things to do with assumptions, so in particular I’d like to focus on one:

Rope bunny. A term I hate. Hate it. Hate it hate it hate it. I know some people think it’s cute and endearing; I find it derogatory and insulting. I feel it reduces the role of the rope bottom to a cute piece of ass. As a bottom, I do not hop around from top to top, and as a top I do not like to tie with bottoms who do. How can bottoms be taken seriously if they are called a bunny? What kind of image does that evoke? I take my role as a bottom seriously and I expect the same of those I tie. Rope bottoming is not a passive activity - we are actively engaged and equal participants. (As an aside, I would love to know the origin of this term - so far my research hasn’t turned up anything useful. If someone has some info please let me know!).

For those who choose to identify as rope bunnies, go for it. I respect your choices. But to assume that all rope bottoms are bunnies is not cool. Please do not address a group of rope people and refer to the bottoms as bunnies. In doing so you’re assuming that they are ok with being addressed as such. Why not just stick with the more neutral terms of bottoms and tops?

I miss doing suspensions. Other than doing a quick demo in the dungeon at Sexapalooza this past March, it’s been .... a while. Possibly a year.

My body has not been well enough and I just don’t trust it. Over the past year I’ve been seeing doctor after doctor and doing test after test to figure out why I had inexplicable and random fractures, pulled muscles, major fatigue, muscle spasms, muscle weakness, muscle cramps, inflammation, numbness, tingling, dizziness, debilitating back pain, drastic changes in body temperature, changes in skin sensations, and other weird stuff. The diagnosis was fibromyalgia.

I recently started cymbalta and lyrica and I’m starting to feel much better. I’m seeing an osteopath, do gentle stretching (almost) every day, do gentle yoga twice a week and go to physio often. I haven’t had back pain since I started the new meds. I’m sleeping better and I’m waking up feeling more rested and in less pain. This has been a huge improvement so far. Fatigue is still an issue but I’m hoping as I start to physically feel better my energy will return. I’ve gain a lot of weight and now I’m trying to shed it - the problem is finding the energy. And I have arthritis so that’s another challenge.

Very slowly I’m trying to regain my life and be more actively engaged with the world around me and the people I care about. I’ve started playing again and am involved in skill share and outreach with my local rope scene. As a top. Because even though I’m starting to feel better I still don’t think I can do suspensions; a stubborn pec injury has caused some nerve damage in the brachial plexus, which means for now I can’t be in an arms behind the back chest harness.

I met my Sir through rope. It’s a big part of our relationship and our journey together. I feel like I’m letting him down because my body can’t do the things it used to do, or I want it to do, or he would like it to do, or needs it to do so he can continue working on his own skills. We still do floorwork when I feel like my body can handle it but I really miss doing suspensions with him. 

11 cities (Ottawa, Montreal, Gatineau, Halifax, St. John’s, New Orleans, Sydney, Fredericton, Charlottetown, Calgary and Vancouver), four time zones, 56 hours spent on 20 train or plane trips, 61 nights in hotels, and 17,221 kilometres later, I am finally back in Toronto. I was travelling with work on a major archival project, and other than two weekends home and a trip with Sir, I was away from Toronto and my home since early September.

Professionally, it was a really positive experience. I felt productive, useful, engaged, and that my opinions and expertise were taken seriously and appreciated (something that has been lacking previously). Personally, it was a bit more challenging than I had expected it to be. I missed my Sir. I missed my cats. I missed my routine. I missed my friends. I did not miss having to take the TTC everyday to work. I did not miss sitting in a cubicle all day staring at computer screens. I didn’t miss my ‘stuff’ necessarily, but I missed my own space, which makes me feel safe. With staying in so many hotels, I often woke up in the middle of the night and had forgotten where I was. I saw some really cool things and met some awesome people, and along the way I learned some things about myself and how I fit into different spaces.

Some of the challenges I noticed:

it was difficult to communicate with people because of being in different time zones, and I don’t have nation-wide data, so I could only use a messaging app when I had wi-fi, usually only in the hotel

FOMO. I missed some friends’ birthdays and events I would have loved to have gone to, and was sorta feeling that people had forgotten about me. I also had some family stuff going on and some friends who were facing their own challenges, and the distance made me feel like I wasn’t there for them the way I wanted to be

eating healthy and gluten-free was not easy. I gained a lot of weight. My daily food allowance was more than what I spend on my groceries for two weeks and it was easy to overindulge. And my gut was not happy

dealing with triggers alone and not having Sir around or my other coping tools handy was not fun. I got through it but it made me realize how important it is to have effective coping skills

Highlights:

the east coast. People were so friendly and relaxed, and in turn I felt relaxed. Stress levels were reduced significantly. The scenery is so beautiful and I loved exploring the hiking trails along the coastlines.

meeting up with friends in Ottawa and St. John’s

flying on a Beechcraft plane and watching take-off and landing through the cockpit

meeting colleagues across the country and putting faces to names I only see in emails.

handling some really interesting archival material

going to a cat cafe in Vancouver

feeling like I was productive and expanding my professional skills

unexpected bonding with the colleague I was travelling with. I didn’t know him very well beforehand and I was worried he wouldn’t be good to work with and to spend so much time with, but I found out we have a lot in common and I really enjoyed his company. He made the experience much more tolerable.

Observations:

lack of POC on the east coast. Seriously. I was there for about 3 weeks and only saw white people

travelling on a corporate credit card with a generous food allowance and offered perks I wouldn’t normally have access to (business class lounges, free alcohol, suite upgrades) made me feel … weird. And sometimes uncomfortable.

I’m proud of how I managed difficult and challenging situations which normally would cause considerable anxiety

coming from Toronto (The Centre of the Universe) and listening to people who live in the cities I visited talk about their local economy and their daily challenges was humbling and an eyeopener

I’m surprised at the feelings I had from being away from home and my loved ones. As an introvert, I’m perfectly happy with my own company, and I run out of spoons quickly if I have a lot on my calendar. But because I wasn’t spending a lot of spoons or having to deal with Adult Stuff, I often found myself bored and lonely. I tried to make use of hotel gyms and pools if they had them, and I did some exploring, but I also found myself getting burned out from the work and the travel, so by the time I got to Vancouver I didn’t have a lot of energy or motivation left to stay active. Even though it was a lot of work and challenging sometimes, I’m grateful for having had the experience to travel across the country. And I’m so happy to be home.

CW: Mental illness, ED, suicide, self-harm

When I found out recently that my almost-twelve-year-old nephew has started seeing a therapist, my heart sank. My immediate reaction was ‘but he’s so young!’. I felt so sad for him, to know that he’s already experiencing the challenges of mental health. But then I realized that I was about that age when I started being aware that I experienced, processed and expressed emotions differently than the rest of my family or friends.

My challenges with mental health began when I was very young. My mother was always telling me how emotional and sensitive I was, and that I was a crybaby. My sisters joined in on the torment. As a teen, I went through the typical goth phase, and combined with other health problems, my mom assumed I had an eating disorder. Rather than getting help for me, she teased and judged me. She turned away from me. My father, at the time, was not actively involved with parenting, so he wasn’t any help.

As a way to suppress my emotions I started self-harming and self-medicating with prescription pain meds (I didn’t realize that this was a coping mechanism until years later). I shut down and shut everyone out. For years. And it took years to reverse that. I’m still working on it.

I had ad-hoc counselling every now and then through things like student services, but didn’t seek professional help until I was working full time and had a benefit plan and paycheque that allowed me to afford therapy. It was incredibly difficult to admit that I needed help and for many years I didn’t tell anyone I had mental illnesses and went to therapy and was on medication. I’m so proud of my nephew for reaching out and asking for help, and of my sister for listening to him.

I’ve been struggling with this news though. It’s been rather triggering, and with being away from home I don’t have access to my usual comforts or coping tools. I have so many bad memories of my youth and all the feelings of anger and resentment are flooding back and I’m really fighting off unhealthy urges. To think about how much time I spent being unhappy and unwell and how I struggled on my own, often on the brink of suicide...I don’t want that for him. For anyone.

Recently, I attended Ropecraft in New Orleans. It’s been a while since I attended a rope con, mostly because of finances. But when I heard that Ropecraft was going to be held in New Orleans, I started saving my pennies.

Because of travelling with work over the past few months, I haven’t been doing a lot of rope practice or play. Rope is the only play I switch with and normally I would have been stressing out about which classes to take as a top or bottom, but really I just wanted to do rope and reconnect with my Sir. Other than the self-suspension class, I didn’t do any full suspension classes and I liked that this con had a wide range of classes to pick from.

Here are the classes I took:

Armbinders, with cat and -EM-: this is the one class I took as a top, because I didn’t know any armbinders. Now I know 2! Well taught, practical, easy to follow along.

Anatomy for Fundamental Suspension Bondage, with WoodenTiger69: I personally would have liked more time spent on the lower body but it was still really informative and helpful. 

Self Suspension Fundamentals, with goodmosttimes: it was nice to see so much interest in self-suspension. I learned a new hip harness and some tips for line management. 

Basic Predicament Play, with Jake Wing: My Sir sometimes gets creative blocks and I was worried he wouldn’t like this class; it gave us some new ideas and confidence for exploring outside the box. We put some of this to use at the play party that night with much success.

Ranboo, with Barkas & Addie: probably my favourite class. I really like their approach to tying and their philosophy on rope. Good stuff. And so hot. So, so hot.

Below the Knee: Shin, Foot, and Toe Torture, with goodmosttimes and Oji-Pan: so much fun. I love torture rope, and listening to the moans and groans and shrieks was awesome. We learned lots of new fun stuff that I’m sure we’ll incorporate into our play.

Things I really liked about the con:

quiet and loud dungeons

responsible photography policy

incident response team

introvert’s corner during Ropenspace

coloured armbands to indicate play preferences

pins for pronouns

no having to leave a class early to line-up for the next one

safe spaces for queer and POC folx

We stayed right on Bourbon Street in the French Quarter and I found it a bit overwhelming sensory wise. Lots of people. Lots of drinking. We went a few days before the con and stayed for a few days afterwards, which worked well. Food was expensive and not a lot of healthy choices or options for people with dietary restrictions (such as myself). But so much to see and do! We really enjoyed walking around and exploring the area, especially the cemeteries.

The other night I was having a conversation about boundaries and expectations with a newish play partner, and I mentioned that I believe in the campsite rule, but didn’t really elaborate on what that meant, and later it got me thinking about what it actually meant to me and my relationships.

I didn’t realize that the term was coined by Dan Savage, specifically in regards to relationships with a large age disparity: “at the end of the relationship, the elder partner should leave the younger in better shape than they found them. This includes no diseases, no fertilized eggs, no undue emotional trauma, and whatever education that can be provided.” This is all reasonable, yes? Yes.

Creating positive experiences is something that’s really important to me. My D/s relationship, career, and maintaining my own physical and mental health are my priorities, so any play, relationships or dynamics outside of this has to be worth the spoons and it should be mutually respectful, and hopefully fun.

But how do you determine that? Before I play with someone the first time, I need to get a sense of who they are, what they’re looking for (needs and desires), and if we’re on the same page in regards to consent, boundaries, and expectations. This involves talking. Having a no obligation conversation. Maybe checking references afterwards if I think they’re someone I want to play with. This is why I don’t do pick-up play with people I don’t know.

CW: self-harm

So recently I experienced some unpleasant medical stuff. I spent about 3 days recovering physically and emotionally from what was, to me, a traumatic and stressful event, and it was a good test of my distress tolerance skills, something I’ve worked really really hard at over the last  five years since doing Dialectical Behaviour Therapy (DBT). This latest episode of distress was pretty intense so I thought it would be useful to evaluate what worked and what didn’t, because I had a difficult time recovering from this.

I experience emotions very strongly, and sometimes I’m not able to prevent them from consuming me. I’m getting better at it, but in the past I didn’t have effective methods for processing or coping with my feelings, so I would self-harm. It was the only thing that worked to make my brain stop thinking all the bad thoughts, and I became very dependant upon it, because I knew it worked, and I liked the high I got from it.

[As a side note: one of the reasons I don’t do any play that involves sharp objects or breaking of the skin (knives, needles, cutting) is because I worry that the feelings I would experience would be triggering -  it would take me back to a bad time when I was really unwell, and I’ve worked so hard to not be dependant on self-harm as a coping mechanism. I’m also afraid of liking the physical sensation too much, and not being able to reconcile that with my history of self-harm.]

I still have dark times, but now I have different coping skills depending on how I’m feeling and what I need to do to get through what I’m experiencing at that moment. My anxiety has gotten much better, especially the last few years, and now it’s mostly triggered by events outside of my control, rather than self-induced. An uncommon emotion for me is anger, and I think it caught me off guard this time.

So instead of self-harm, here’s what I try to do, depending on what I’m feeling:

Depression (low energy, low motivation, self-doubt, low confidence, Big Fat Dark Cloud):

gentle exercise (yoga, walk)

colouring

brushing my cats and trimming their nails

painting my nails

gardening

journalling

bubble bath

texting with a friend/partner

cuddling with cats or a partner

watch a not-too-serious movie

validation of my emotions

play with Lego, do crafts

Anxiety (agitation, anger, worry):

distraction (housework)

small, manageable tasks like reorganizing a drawer or cupboard

more rigorous exercise (run, go to the gym)

mindfulness (active observation)

Distress (fighting urge to self-harm, manic):

distraction

reach out to a friend/partner

acceptance of the situation by looking at the facts and figuring out what I can change and what I can’t

if possible, remove myself from the situation

What worked this time:

self-soothing activities (journalling, colouring, gardening, watching movies)

exercise

gardening

What didn’t work:

I didn’t take very good care of my body and it let me know. I did a bit lot of pity eating and consumed far too much caffeine and sugar. My eating and sleeping schedules got all out of whack and I felt like shit for a few days afterwards. Also, my anger interfered with being able to accept the situation and make use of some of my other coping skills.

What I still need to work on is accepting help. It was offered. I turned it down, as I usually do. I’m getting better at sharing my emotions and letting my friends and Sir know what’s wrong and what I’m feeling, but I still feel the need to suffer alone. I don’t want to be a burden, I don’t want to be around people, and when I’m feeling really strong emotions I feel incredibly vulnerable, so I shut people out. 

Part of my ongoing self-care includes regular exercise, eating well, good sleep hygiene, building positive experiences (which may include exposure to new things), maintaining structure and actively participating in my life. Those positive experiences and established routines help sustain me when I’m not doing well.

To make it easier to draw on some of these skills, I keep a lot of my self-care supplies handy; most are on a bookshelf containing colouring supplies, Lego, easy to read books (poetry, short stories, graphic novels), a to-do list of easy tasks I could do around the house as distraction, and some exercise stuff. I recently added a toolbox with craft supplies. 

In my experience, relying on coping skills that are accessible, easy to start, cost little to no money, and don’t require a significant amount of brain power are fairly effective, but I think people need to do what works for them.

[CW: menstruation, pain]

Recently I shared my experience with fibroids and how it has been affecting me. This past Thursday I finally saw a specialist, after waiting 7 months for the appointment. Because the previous tests I had done were so old, the doctor said that before he could recommend treatment, I’d have to do new tests, which is understandable but also frustrating, because the first time I did them, they were incredibly painful and intrusive, so I was not looking forward to going through that again but it had to be done. So I strip down, lay myself out on the examine table and spread my legs while the doctor observed the resident while he poked and prodded me. Meanwhile, the nurse assisting was consulting her notes. Yes, she had cheat sheets. Not very reassuring. 

Whatever they were doing was causing a lot of pain (pushing down on my ovaries? sure! that feels fucking fantastic! scraping the inside of my uterus? why not! insert a probe and poke at the fibroids? awesome!), which was triggering because of the pain I went through the first time I did these tests. I was at the hospital for about 3 hours and had originally planned on going to work but went home instead and cried. And cried. And cuddled with my cats. And cried. Because of the pain but also because of the frustration, and anger at the health care system (but yay free health care, right?), and resentment over my body, resentment that I’ve been doing a good job at dealing with lately.

The next day I went to a walk-in clinic because I was still in considerable pain and I was still spotting from the tests and all sorts of guck was coming out of me. They did another intervaginal ultrasound to make sure everything was ok, which it is. Then I got a call from the doctor with the follow-up appointment, for September. After being told by the doctor that the follow-up would be in a few weeks this was a bit of a shock. Which caused a new round of anger. So from the time I first noticed a problem and went to my GP, to when I hopefully get a diagnosis and a treatment plan, it will be almost a year. A whole fucking year. For a fairly common women’s health problem. Fuck.

Emotionally, mentally and physically I’ve actually been doing really well, the last few months in particular have been pretty great and I’ve been feeling good about myself and how things are going. I’ve been actively participating in my life, taking good care of myself, enjoying my existing relationships and have been interested in forming new connections with people, which is kinda new for me. I hadn’t been feeling very sexual or interested in starting anything new but lately that interest is there. My libido is coming back and I’ve actually been masturbating and finding it easier to orgasm (both have been an issue because of antidepressants). I’ve been looking forward to sharing this change with my Sir and exploring my newly awaken sexual desires with him and hopefully with other people. But this experience just slammed the brakes on all of that. Cue anger. And resentment.

So a friend of mine recently started her own radio show, The Rainbow Connection, on TPOK Radio. After I listened to the first episode I reached out to rainbow and told her what an awesome job she did (it’s true!) and that I was interested in being on the show. I gave her some suggested topics that I felt comfortable talking about and we settled on mental health and kink, specifically in regards to D/s relationships. I’ve written a little bit about my challenges living with mental illness, and I saw this as an opportunity to have an open, honest discussion about it with someone who not only could relate, but would approach the subject without shame or judgement.

So we worked out a basic outline of topics to cover and I thought about the key points I wanted to make. My goal for the interview was to allow listeners to feel that it’s ok to talk about mental health and to not feel embarrassed or afraid to talk about their challenges and to hopefully give them some helpful tips. For example, one of my challenges with being on antidepressants is that I have a bit of brain fog - sometimes the words just don’t come. I was really nervous about coming off as being inarticulate during the interview. In preparation, I made some notes to help me.

I’ve been experimenting with a new method of note taking/journaling. I tend to be a visual person and with the brain fog, I’ve been finding it difficult to focus on large amounts of text a time (I’m not reading as much as I used to as a result). So this is what I created:

We more or less stayed on topic but had originally planned to spend more time on after-care and self-care. The hour went by so quickly and there is still so much more we could talk about on this subject!

Rainbow is an excellent interviewer and I really enjoyed our conversation and seeing the responses in the live chat. This was a really positive experience for me and I’d like to thank rainbow for the opportunity and my Sir for his support and encouragement. 

My Sir and I recently marked our one year anniversary of me wearing his permanent collar. We observed this occasion privately, by removing the collar and cleaning it. While we were doing this, we talked about our relationship and what it meant to both of us. We acknowledged the challenges we faced over the past year and how those challenges strengthened our bond, we shared what was working, and we shared some ideas of things we’d like to add to the relationship. We have check-ins periodically as needed, either verbally or via a private journalling tool, but this time we talked about bigger picture stuff. Communication is so, so, so very important and it’s still something I’m working on.

When he put his collar back on me, I experienced renewed feelings of security, love, commitment and respect; it was a simple yet comforting moment.

Both of us are journey people, in that exploration and growth, even if it brings hardship, is more fulfilling than reaching set points or landmarks. Our relationship slowly evolved over a few years, from rope partners, to lovers, to D/s, then to a permanent collar. But it doesn’t end there.

Recently at a rope event, I was bound in long lengths of soft cotton knit fabric. It was wonderful. It was a similar experience to being bound with rope, but also different. It made me think about what it is about rope bondage specifically that I love and if those feelings translate to other forms of physical bondage and restraint.

Rope bondage can involve all of the senses: the touch of the person and the rope on skin, the smell of the rope and of the person you’re tying with, the sound of the rope as it hits the floor or that creaking sound when a knot is being tightened and all the wonderful sighs and groans and gasps people make, the sight of the rope on a body and the marks it leaves, and even taste if the rope is placed in the mouth. Combined, all of these sensory sensations can create a unique physical experience.

But there’s also the physical sensation of being bound, whether for restraint or decoration, and the psychological and emotional responses bondage can evoke. It can be incredibly comforting; some people say it’s similar to a nice big hug. Which seems contradictory, considering that the point of bondage, traditionally, is to restrain. Yet, as a bottom, why does it make me feel so safe? As a top, my intent is for the bottom to feel comfortable in letting go, to feel vulnerable but safe with me in my rope.

I’m a sewer and one of the things I really enjoy about sewing is the tactile experience. I love visiting fabric stores and running my hands over the fabric and then feeling the fabric under my hands as I guide it under the sewing machine needle. When I was wrapped and tied with the fabric strips, I felt a similar psychological and emotional response to when I’m tied with rope, but the physical sensations were not quite the same. The fabric smelled different than rope, obviously, and the sensation on my skin was very different than rope. It was soft and has less specific points of touch (due to the strips being a few inches wide). I can see how using fabrics with different textures could lead to some wonderful sensation play as part of the bondage.

Because the fabric had a bit of stretch in it, the person tying me played with the tension as they were placing the wraps. Also, because of that stretchiness, I could have fought against it, and if I had wanted to get out of it, I probably could have. (But I’m one of those bottoms who doesn’t want to escape). It does make it easier for the bottom to make micro-adjustments if needed, and it’s also easier to physically manipulate and reposition the bottom.

Overall it made me feel relaxed and calm, similar to how I feel after doing connective tying with rope (what some people refer to as ‘ropey’ or ‘rope drunk’). So even though the physical sensations were a bit different, the psychological and emotional response was similar to rope. I’d gladly do it again.

I was listening to Graydancer’s Ropecast (I highly recommend this podcast!) interview with Fynch, during which she talks about how as a rope switch she needs be careful with her spoons. For those unfamiliar, spoon theory is a disability metaphor, created by Christine Miserandino, to describe what it’s like to try to get through a day when you have a disability or chronic illness, in Miserandino’s case, lupus.

As Fynch was describing spoon theory and how each person has 12 spoons to use each day when they wake up (no specific reason for 12, it just happened to be how many spoons Miserandino had available for her example), I’m thinking, 12! Most days I’m lucky to have 12 spoons to use. As someone with a disability and chronic illness, some days I have no spoons. Some days I wake up with what seems like a negative balance. Sometimes I spend days at a time in bed to recover and find new spoons. I have had to go on disability from work a few times because there are no spoons to be found, anywhere.

As someone who uses spoon theory to communicate my availability to other people, and as a rope person, I totally relate to Fynch, because I do all the things with rope - bottom, self-suspend and top. I also live by myself, which means having to do all the things by myself - laundry, housework, grocery shopping, cooking, yardwork, house maintenance, etc. I don’t have kids, but I work full time, have a hobby business, go to the gym a few times a week, run Hitchin’ Bitches and do outreach to new rope tops who are women, study and practice rope, see my friends, go to medical appointments, and am fully committed to my D/s relationship. This doesn’t leave a lot of time, or spoons, for other people. I have to be very selective with whom I share not only my time, but my emotional and mental energy.

I’m getting better at respecting my own needs and boundaries, which means sometimes saying no to people. Not only for my own mental and physical health, but because for me rope is an emotionally demanding type of play, and it’s important to me that I am able to be 100% fully present with someone before, during and after our rope scene, and to be able to create a mutually awesome experience. I can’t do that if I’m low on spoons.

It can be really difficult saying no to people. We don’t want to offend them. We don’t want to miss out on an opportunity. We worry that that person won’t ask again. These are all legitimate concerns. When I was doing rope primarily as a bottom, I would take it personally when I asked a rope top to tie me and they said no. All the negative thoughts would rise up - I’m too old, too fat, not sexy enough, not bendy enough, not fun enough …

When I first starting topping I had a new appreciation for the mental, physical and emotional effort that goes into tying someone. It can be exhausting. Usually in a good way. But because of my limited amount of spoons, I’d rather tie with someone when I feel there’s potential for it to be mutually awesome on some level. It took a while, but now I have a better sense if someone is asking me to do rope simply because they just want to get tied, or because they want to do rope specifically with me. Big difference. If someone messages me with “I need some rope! Can you tie me?” Nope. I do not have enough spoons to be a service top. When I do, I do so with the goal of hopefully contributing to that person’s growth as a bottom, which is why I like helping out as a demo top for events like Coil, for which I have to save up enough spoons and then spend time recovering. But it’s worth it.

I’m lucky to live in a city in which there is no shortage of opportunities to learn or practice rope bondage; every week there is a class, a practice time, or a workshop (like this one). About four years ago, I began my rope journey as a bottom. I slowly began learning how to self-tie and self-suspend, and eventually started to tie other people. These days I primarily top, and in the summer of 2015, along with a friend, I took over the Toronto chapter of Hitchin’ Bitches* (HB), an international group focused on supporting and encouraging rope tops who are women by providing a safe space to practice and share our skills.

During my time learning to tie, I’ve been incredibly fortunate in that I’ve encountered little resistance from men, and in fact have had lots of support and encouragement from those who lead rope groups and teach, and from other tops who are men. Most of the confusion that arises when people see me tie, or when I tell them I’m a rope top, seems to stem from me being a collared submissive (more on roles and titles as identity in another post).

As a cisgender pansexuaI person, I don’t subscribe to heteronormativity and I reject the notion of gender binary. As an ally, one of my goals with taking over HB was to expand the scope of the target audience. I saw a growing need to provide a space for genderqueer people and people who didn’t feel they fit the image of the typical rope top or bottom.

From what I’ve observed over the last 20+ years of living in Toronto, the kink scene is slowly evolving from being largely binary and hetero to more queer and pansexual, which is good. And although at present the rope scene, specifically, does not reflect the diversity of our very diverse city, we do have plenty of tops who are women, bottoms who are men, queer and transgender people ...so why do we still need HB?

Because females are still treated as sexual objects, regardless of their role as a top or bottom, or their gender expression, identity, or orientation.

Because of male gaze.

Because when a female is tying another female, a common reaction is ‘that’s hot’. (Which it can be, of course, but it can be lots of other things too.)

Because there are men who see nothing wrong with showing up at HB uninvited ‘just to watch’.

Because people still use the (unnecessarily gendered) terms “female rigger/top” or “lady rigger/top”.

Because women and queer people often feel more comfortable and safe, and find it easier to express themselves, in an environment which there are no men present.

Because there are men who feel that an event like HB is in violation of their assumed right to go wherever, do whatever, touch whomever and say whatever they want, anytime they want.

Because I believe that people have a right to feel safe and comfortable at events without having to defend their identity, orientation, choices or boundaries.

And we’re not quite there yet.

Notes on language:

I attempted to use inclusive language as much as possible but I’m not an expert and this writing was challenging because it touches on different facets of assigned gender, gender identity and gender expression. I’ve used queer as an umbrella term to include genderfluid, genderfree, genderneutral, agender, etc., because I’m not clear on what words are similar enough to be considered synonyms. I welcome feedback on wording.

Yesterday in Toronto I attended a beginner hojojutsu class, presented by Pedro Cordas, an artist, kinbaku artist, educator, performer, and video director/producer, visiting from Lisbon, Portugal. He’s in Toronto this week teaching a series of workshops and the one I took was on hojo inspired ties, which included:

Brief historical introduction

Brief explanation of difference between "real hojo" and "Inspired Hojo"

The Cross

The Diamond

The X

The class was fairly quick-paced: for each of the three shapes we learned 2-3 different ties. Pedro’s teaching style - a quick demo, a second pass with details, then practice - parallels my learning style. I like to watch first to get an idea of the shape and function of the tie, then I take notes during the second pass, then I try it out, and refine my notes afterwards. I’m confident enough in my skills that once I understand the shape and function of the tie, I have a good idea of placement, and when and where to lock something off vs. when to use a friction. But, the most difficult thing for me to learn is tension. When I’m learning a new tie my tension is awful. I know this. And was reminded of it again last night. I’m so focused on learning the structure that tension takes a backseat. As I practice and learn the tie, my tension improves, but I know it’s something I still need to work on, even though I’ve been tying for a few years now.

As a side note: I really appreciated Pedro’s use of a timer to keep track of time and stay on schedule. I enjoy learning different styles from different teachers and Pedro is a good teacher.

As for notetaking, this is something else I’d like to improve. When I’m learning a new tie, I make a quick sketch and make notes on safety, placement, etc. but when I go back later to refer to them sometimes I can’t decipher my own scribbles. I’m going to work on codifying my sketches and on deciding on consistent terminology. There are other rope people who have their own systems so I’m going to do some research on this.

I’m a kinkster, the ‘s’ in a D/s relationship, and an avid reader. I’ve read the 50 Shades of Grey trilogy. Begrudgingly, because even though I heard it was poorly written (which it is), I wanted to see what all the fuss was about.

There are a few things about how BDSM and Christian and Ana’s ‘D/s’ relationship are portrayed in the books which really bother me. Whether you’re fairly new to BDSM or have been inspired by the books to try something kinky, there are some issues to keep in mind – mainly that BDSM is very much consent based. Christian repeatedly acts without Ana’s consent, and manipulates and coerces her into doing new things, knowing that she is inexperienced.

One common misconception about Dominant/submissive (D/s) relationships, and one I feel is perpetrated in the books, is that the Dominant takes power away from the submissive. In healthy D/s relationships, the power is given, not taken. That power should be balanced, and reciprocal. It’s a power exchange based on trust. Many times, Ana pulls away from Christian and questions what she’s getting into because she doesn’t trust he’ll know when to stop (“I didn’t know how far you’d go.”).

That lack of trust is a warning sign. Their relationship progresses very quickly, and the kind of trust Christian expects from Ana often takes months to develop, not days or weeks. Trust should be given to those who deserve it, and Christian doesn’t, nor has he done anything to earn it.

Other than being able to take care of Ana financially, Christian offers little in return. He explains to her that he’s a Dominant, and that he wants her to willingly surrender herself to him, in all things, to please him; there are rules, for her benefit and his pleasure, that if she follows she will be rewarded, and punished if she doesn’t. And what does she get out of this, she asks? His one-word response: “Me.” Oh, and an Audi. How about some patience, support, or encouragement?

While I recognize that not every D/s relationship is the same, here’s a summary of what I feel are some of the more problematic issues in the books (quoted text is in italics).

Submissives have a right, and an obligation, to be risk-aware. You can’t give consent if you don’t know what you’re consenting to. Christian gives Ana the contract and tells her to read it and do some research so she knows what’s involved. When she tells him she’d like to talk to her friend Kate about sex, he tells her that the sooner he has her submission the better, so that she’ll stop defying him. Taking the time to educate and inform yourself about something new is not being defiant, it’s being smart. Don’t rush into something without knowing what you’re getting into.

No one should be made to feel bad for being inexperienced. When they discuss limits for play, he asks if there’s anything she’d like to add, and she says she doesn’t know because she’s a virgin. This admission makes him angry, and he then tells her he’s going to ‘rectify the situation’, so that she has an idea of what she’s getting into: “We can start your training tonight – with the basics.”

She hasn’t consented to anything yet, but he seems to think he has the right to do what he wants to her, and assumes she wants to be trained by him. Maybe this isn’t the way she wants to lose her virginity! He basically just tells her that this is the way it’s going to happen, without asking her what she wants.

No one should be coerced or threatened into doing something they don’t want to do or aren’t ready to do. When they meet to discuss the contract Ana says she has to leave because she needs some distance and time to think, and Christian then threatens her with, “I could make you stay”. Oh? So you’re going to forcibly confine her? What a great idea!

Ana has issues with punishment, so later, when they are compromising on their arrangement, she asks for clarification:

“And if I break one of the rules?” “Then I’ll punish you.” “But won’t you need my permission?” “Yes, I will.” “And if I say no?” “If you say no, you’ll say no. I’ll have to find a way to persuade you.” Nope. No means no, yes means yes.

After waking from a nightmare, he talks her into having sex with him, even though she explicitly says ‘no’ and ‘stop’:

“Christian . . . Stop. I can’t do this,” I whisper urgently against his mouth, my hands pushing on his upper arms… “No, please. I can’t do this, not now. I need some time, please.”

You can’t force someone to submit, they should do so willingly. And enthusiastic consent is so much hotter than coercion. Christian is really good at emotional manipulation and crossing the lines. Not the qualities I would look for in a Dominant.

Dominants have an obligation to keep their submissive safe. There’s one specific incident that stands out: Christian shows up at Ana’s apartment; they haven’t negotiated yet, nor has she expressed consent to anything, but he ties her to the bed, pulls her shirt over her eyes, and he leaves the room. However briefly it is, this is a big no-no. Do not leave someone alone while they are in any kind of restraint.

Submissives have the right to call red and should feel comfortable in doing so. After some time has passed after a spanking session, he asks her why she didn’t call red:

“I don’t know. I was overwhelmed. I was trying to be what you wanted me to be, trying to deal with the pain, and it went out of my mind. You know . . . I forgot,” I whisper ashamed, and I shrug apologetically. “You forgot!” he gasps with horror, grabbing the sides of the table and glaring at me. “How can I trust you?” he says, his voice low. “Ever?”

Later on, when she does call red, he’s shocked and hurt:

“Red,” I whimper. “Red. Red.” The tears course down my face. He stills. “No!” He gasps, stunned. “Jesus Christ, no.”

Make up your mind, Christian! Do you, or do you not want Ana to call red? And if she does, deal with it. Find out why and use that as an opportunity to learn more about each other and both of your needs.

Punishment should not be given while angry.

I can’t help but feel I’m being punished. I’m helpless and he’s ruthless… I don’t know how far he’s going to take this…I can’t do this. I know he’s not going to stop. He’s going to continue to torture me… This is not love. It’s revenge.

And another time: “I want to punish you,” he whispers. “Really beat the shit out of you,”

How about having a little chat? Have a conversation about what happened, how you feel about it, and what to do to possibly prevent it from happening again, rather than threatening to beat the shit out of someone. Use your words, and then agree on a punishment.

Do not negotiate when you are drinking. “Would you like another drink? It’s making you brave, and I need to know how you feel about pain.” Nope. Not a good way to communicate. You can’t consent to something if you’re under the influence of a mind-altering substance.

Getting someone intentionally intoxicated in order to get them to do something you want to do isn’t cool. Don’t do it. The kink community in Ontario is very safety and consent based, and most events do not serve alcohol for a reason.

Other red flags about Christian:

1. He’s contradictory: “Anastasia, you should steer clear of me. I’m not the man for you.” And yet, he gives her expensive gifts, and aggressively pursues her.

He tells her that he’s not going to touch her until he has her written consent to do so, and yet he does, later, in the elevator:

“Oh, fuck the paperwork,” he growls. He lunges at me, pushing me against the wall of the elevator. Before I know it, he’s got both of my hands in one of his in a vice-like grip above my head, and he’s pinning me to the wall using his hips. His other hand grabs my ponytail and yanks down, bringing my face up, and his lips are on mine.

2. He’s inappropriately and unnecessarily nosy: After the photo shoot for his interview and on their way to coffee, he takes her hand in the elevator (she’s there in a professional capacity!) and he asks if Jose is her boyfriend, asks about her co-worker at the store, asks her if she always wears jeans… how is any of that his business?

3. He’s controlling and possessive: he buys her a BlackBerry for her to use to communicate with him, sells her old car, wants her to move in with him after knowing him only five weeks, buys her a new wardrobe, has access to her work email, he buys the company she works for and sees that she is promoted after saying he wouldn’t interfere with her career… the list goes on and on.

4. He lacks respect for personal boundaries and privacy: he knows where she works and lives, her bank account number, he tracks her cell phone, he knows what flight she’s on when she goes to visit her mother in Georgia, and he shows up in Georgia after she told him she didn’t want him to go. He also obtains copies of her birth certificate, her social security number, resume, and employment records.

None of these personality traits or behaviours are things I find appealing or attractive in a potential partner of any kind.

As for how the trilogy ends, the title itself, Freed, creates all sorts of connotations. Freed from what? Is Ana free from Christian’s controlling, manipulative stalking? No! She marries him! So, is Christian free from the hold his past put on him? Yes! He no longer feels the need to hurt women!

When looking at the red marks left from the handcuffs on her ankles:

“I didn’t expect to feel like I do looking at these marks,” he says. “How do you feel?” “Uncomfortable,” he murmurs.

Huzzah! He’s cured from the BDSM disease! All those years of therapy for nothing, all he needed was the love of an inexperienced, naive woman.

“It means I don’t need it. Not now.” “How do you know? How can you be so sure?” “I just know. The thought of hurting you . . . in any real way . . . it’s abhorrent to me.”

BDSM is not a form a therapy, nor should it be a replacement for those who may be in need of professional help. It can be therapeutic, yes, but what I find troubling is the message the author is sending about how Christian is ‘cured.’ It is very possible to have a healthy, balanced life involving BDSM.

Also, there is a romanticized portrayal of abuse, and the happy ending is an unrealistic outcome of their relationship. One need not abandon their fantasies or needs in order to be happy (most people would probably be more unhappy if they gave up their kinks!), and those needs certainly shouldn’t be met by abusing someone.

Not all Dominants have anger management issues, or are as possessive, controlling and nosy as Christian. Using the unresolved issues with his past (despite receiving professional therapy) to explain or justify his behaviour creates a judgemental assumption as to why people may enjoy BDSM. Someone’s choice to live the lifestyle or participate in BDSM is not an indication of unresolved mental health issues; will readers of these books assume that past trauma is an inherent basis for those who do?

The lack of research and preparation on BDSM the author put into the books is obvious, and by her own admission, she found most of her information on the Internet: “The Internet! Sometimes I phoned various experts (that I found through the internet), or asked questions on Twitter. And sometimes I devised my own experiments…” (By the way, devising your own experiments is not a good way to learn – take a workshop, there are plenty to choose from in Ontario alone!)

Written by an award-winning author, columnist, editor, filmmaker, and sex educator, 50 Shades of Kink is a primer for those who are interested in kink and want to know more about it, get some ideas, and learn how to negotiate and begin exploring. And yes, it was written in response to the phenomenon of the 50 Shades of Grey books .

It addresses some common myths about kink, and explains how to share fantasies, talk about role play, and communicate your needs and desires, while providing ideas, tips, tricks and techniques along the way. BDSM basics, such as terminology, roles, concepts (consent, negotiation, limits, safety, risk, personal responsibility, aftercare) are covered.

There are explanations and ideas for different types of play, including:

D/s and power dynamics

sexual power games (orgasm control and denial)

sensory deprivation

sensation play

bondage

impact play

rough sex

Included is a list of ‘50 items for your toy bag’, a reading list of fiction and non-fiction books, and a sample of a ‘yes/no/maybe’ checklist.

Overall, the book is very readable and approachable, and uses clear and informal language, making it a good title for beginners. It has no index (one of my big pet peeves with non-fiction books!) but at only 140 pages, it’s easy to find what you’re looking for. This book can easily be read within a few hours and would be a great starting point for people who are thinking about exploring some kink.

Conclusion: a very basic introduction, best for those who are brand-new to kink and have not tried much, or anything, yet.

[CW: menstruation, blood]

Nulliparous. A new word I learned recently, meaning a woman who has not had children. This is me. And I don’t plan on changing that. Which is why I elected for tubal ligation in my mid-30s. I was worried about some of the long-term effects of staying on an oral contraceptive, and didn’t want to continue taking a pill every day if there was other options.

Before getting my tubes tied, my periods were fairly light and predictable, and other than acne flair-ups, I experienced minimal cramping or other symptoms. One of the benefits I enjoyed when using the pill was knowing exactly when my period was going to start, and even having the flexibility of delaying it if I wanted to. I’ve been off the pill for about five years now and since then my reproductive innards have shown their true colours; previously suppressed, they are now making up for all the years they couldn’t express themselves to their full potential, exploding unpredictably in a fit and fury of rage I was not expecting.

My cycle has become more frequent, my flow heavier, my energy level drops significantly when I am menstruating and I have major, major pain, which has resulted in a few trips to the hospital. After a few medical tests it was confirmed I had fibroids. In November 2015 I was referred to a specialist and am waiting for that appointment (June!). In the meanwhile, because of the heavy blood loss, I’ve had to increase my iron intake, and I deal with the pain as best I can.

Aside from these physical discomforts, what’s arisen is how much I resent that this is happening to me, how much I resent my body, and how much I resent being a woman, because what’s happening to me is happening to a part of my body I don’t want or need.  For a couple of weeks every month I am reminded that I am a woman, a reminder I really resent. And because I resent my woman’s body, I don’t feel sexy or desirable as a woman.

Also, the unpredictability of my cycle combined with a low libido and weight gain due to antidepressants is making it difficult for me to feel excited about sexual contact. Although I tend to be physically and sexually submissive, over the past year I’ve been exploring other dynamics with different people and am finding that my negative feelings about my body and gender are interfering with my ability to initiate sexual play. Even when the desire and opportunity are present at the same time, I’m worried about any kind of penetration play because I don’t know how my uterus will respond. What if it decides at that moment to explode and unleash a torrent of blood?