Ara groaned in frustration, “Why did I forget?” Sitting in the toilet for a while before she sighed. She dared to call her boyfriend. “Ara, are you okay?” He answered right away. She took a deep breath before answering, “Jay, could you do a favor?” He hummed in response. “Sorry, if this is embarrassing, but could you go to the store and buy some…pads?”

“Of course, love, thin or thick?” He asked. “The thick ones and buy two bags of them, please.” She heard him walking to the front door. “Alright, anything else?” He asked as he put on his shoes and grabbed his car keys. “No, that will be it.” They said their goodbyes before ending the call.

Ara flushed the toilet before pondering over the thoughts and the embarrassment. She couldn't move or do anything since she didn't have any more pads. She wrote in her reminder to buy thin pads as soon as she noticed they were running out, too. Then she heard a knock on the bathroom door. “Love, I have the pads!” Jongseong shouted from the outside.

“Thank you, Jay. The door is open,” she said as she quickly moved her pants up so she wouldn't be too exposed. He opened the door and handed her the plastic bag. She shyly took it. He smiled before closing the door behind him. Ara then changed into a new undergarment and a pad. Wash her hands before organizing the pads into the basket.

Then, she walked out of the bathroom. Taking a deep breath before walking into the kitchen. In the kitchen, she spotted Jongseong making something. She took a seat on the island stool and rested her head on the counter. Her boyfriend turned around, and a soft smile appeared across his face. He settled the cup next to her before ruffling her hair. “You okay?” She hummed in response. “Cramps are coming.”

“Drink the hot chocolate I made for you.” She hummed in response before sitting back up and taking the cup into her hands. She sipped the hot chocolate as she watched her boyfriend go to heat the heating pad. “I don't deserve you,” she muttered while sipping in the cup. He looked at her. “No, I don't deserve you.”

She shook her before putting down the cup and the rest of her head on her arms. Jongseong smiled as he ruffled her hair. “I am almost done with cooking. After we eat, then we can cuddle or do whatever you want.” Ara hummed in response. He went to finish cooking dinner.

Once they finished eating, Ara helped a bit before her cramps got worse. Now, she was curled up in the warm blanket on the couch. She was watching the second episode of Love Next Door. Jongseong walked to the couch after finishing cleaning up. “Do you want me to warm up the heat pad again?” He asked as he put down some snacks and hot chocolate on the coffee table.

“If you want,” she answered as she took the heat pad from her lower stomach and handed it to him. He went to warm up the heat pad again. Once he came back, he gave her the heat pad, and she quickly put it back in place without any thoughts. Jongseong took a cup of hot chocolate before sitting down next to her.

“Here.” He handed it to her. She was about to take the cup, but her cramps hurt so badly that she messaged the lower part of her stomach again. Jongseong stood up again and went to the kitchen. Then he came back with a straw. He blew in the hot chocolate so it wouldn't be hot when drinking from the straw. He sat back down, holding the straw and the cup as he put the straw near her lips.

Ara took some sips as a smile grew on her face. “It's delicious.” He put down the cup back on the coffee table before pulling her into his arms. “That's good, I made it extra sweet for you.” He gave a kiss on the lips. The kiss was passionate and gentle.

As he pulled away, he licked his lips. “Oh, it's very delicious.” Ara blushed and quickly hid herself inside the blanket. Jongseong laughed before pulling her even closer. “You're so cute.” She shook her head inside the blanket. “No, I'm not.”

“Come out of the blanket. You are going to suffocate yourself.” She shook her head again. “I'm good here.” He shook his head and pushed the blanket down to see her face. “Hey—before she could say anything. He kissed her again and put something in her mouth. She swallowed the thing in her mouth before asking, “What was that?”

“Something sweet,” he replied. She pouted, “I want to have a taste of it, but I swallowed it before I could.”

“Do you want more?” She quickly nodded. He leaned towards the coffee table and took a jolly rancher before opening it. He then leaned back. “Open your mouth.” She opened her mouth without any hesitation and he put it in her mouth. “How do you know I love Jolly Ranchers?”

“Your mom told me a while back. She said that you whined about wanting it, but it is always out of stock and such.” Ara nodded. “Oh, this is cherry flavored, want some?” He shook his head. “Well, that's too bad, but I wouldn't let you—” He kissed her again before pulling back moments later. “Oh, it is cherry.” She quickly turned away, blushing even more. “You are getting bold these days,” she muttered. He laughed before pulling her into his chest.

“I guess I am comfortable with you nowadays,” He whispered to her ear while resting his chin on her shoulders. She blushed even harder. “Y…You need to stop being this bold.” She could feel her heart skipping beats. “What if I don't want to,” he whispered to her ear. She quickly moved away and looked at the television. “Oh my goodness, I missed the whole episode!” She whined. Jongseong laughed. “We can watch it again.” He grabbed the remote and went back to the beginning of the episode.

Ara moved away from Jongseong. He looked at her with his eyebrows slightly raised and paused the episode. “Why are you moving away from me?” She glared at him. “You are being too bold right now.” He grinned before slowly moving closer to her. She moved farther and farther until she hit a dead end. She cursed when she looked behind her. “You are now stuck,” he smirked as he trapped her.

She was blushing like crazy. “I—” He raised his eyebrows. “Lost with words, hm, love?” Before kissing her lips again this time more passionately, longer, but still gentle. Slowly breaking the kiss, he put his forehead on hers. “You are so cute.” She was still in shock from what just happened. “Love, are you still shocked?” He pecked her lips over and over to somehow bring her back to the present. Soon, she quickly breaks from her thoughts. “You are crazy.”

Jongseong laughed a bit before pecking his lips. “I am crazy, but only crazy in love.” They stayed like this for another couple of hours before one of them broke it. “Let's watch your kdrama?” She just gave him a couple of nods. He stood up and rearranged the couch to make it longer. Then he carried Ara to the longer part of the couch. They curled up together as they watched the kdrama.

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It feels so lonely and empty in her own tiny world. A couple of days after her birthday, she thought about doing two things for the first time. She never thought about them. It wasn't like her at all. Usually, she would brush the thoughts aside, but for the first time during the night before her birthday. She took a pocket knife from her packed box and looked in the mirror. Her hands were slightly shaking while holding the knife. It was pretty close to her arm.

Before she could do it, she threw the knife into the shower and closed the shower door. She clasped onto the cold floor with tears in her eyes. Sobbing quietly before getting up and walking out of her bathroom. Shutting the door behind her and locking the door before she had second thoughts.

She thought it was best to take a walk to calm down and get out of the lonely apartment. She quickly grabbed her phone and a jacket before walking out. She put on her shoes and then walked out of the apartment complex. Walking along the streets, she took deep breaths. The breeze hit against her face. It wasn't too cold or too hot. It was just right, but more on the cold side. It was a nice summer night. Everyone was getting ready for bed since it was around 10 pm.

Walking down the streets, letting her legs take her to places. Letting her mind relax for once. She didn't realize she was at the Han River. She didn't realize she was at the bridge. Her heart skipped a beat just thinking about doing it. Her hands automatically reached for the railing. Tears falling down. All of her emotions got the best of her. The next minute, she was getting over the railing, but she stopped before she reached the other side.

Quickly backing away before running away. There wasn't anyone around her since they were down at Han River or somewhere. She quickly grabbed her phone and looked at the schedule of her boyfriend's career. He gave her the schedule for their weekly video calls.

She noticed he was in South Korea for a couple of days. Taking the chance, she took a taxi to her boyfriend's dorm since he would be there according to his schedule. The taxi pulled to the sidewalk not close to her boyfriend's apartment, but not too far. She quickly paid for the taxi before running to the dorm. Tears were falling as she reached the apartment. She looked up at the apartment building. Having second thoughts. It was selfish of her to come here when she shouldn't.

Without her knowing, her legs took her inside the building. She hesitantly put in the code to enter the building before walking inside. Walking to the elevator and to the apartment number where her boyfriend lived. She hesitantly rang the doorbell. “Myung? What are you doing here?” Jaeyun asked once he opened the door. She felt tears falling, but she held it in. “Er…sorry for coming without any notice,” she slightly stuttered.

Jaeyun shook his head. “It's not a problem. You are more than welcome to come here,” he reassured her. She smiled slightly. He noticed she was sweating a bit. He quickly stepped aside. “Come inside.” She nodded before entering the apartment. Looking around the apartment with her eyes as she stepped inside.

She remembered Jungwon told her in one of their weekly video calls about him moving to a new dorm. She remembered how excited he was and how he joked about not having to share rooms with Sunoo, Riki, and Sunghoon.

“Jungwon! Your girl is here!” Jaeyun announced. Within two seconds, her boyfriend came running from the living room. He saw his girlfriend. “Myung?” Myung looked at her boyfriend. Tears were slowly falling down as she stumbled to him. Giving him a hug and crying. Jungwon was shocked before quickly hugging her back.

“I'm going to leave both of you be. Do you want anything,” Jaeyun whispered to his ear. “Water would be nice.” His friend nodded before walking away. Myung was crying so hard. Jungwon gently patted her back. “Let's go to my room?” He asked gently to her ear. She could only nod before breaking the hug.

Jungwon gently took her hand. She looked down at the floor, letting him take the lead. Once they entered, he closed the door behind to give them some privacy and led her to the bed. Making her comfortable sitting on his bed before he turned on the lamp and sat down next to her. He gently pulled her closer to him and hugged her again. She cried again. He gently patted her back, not saying anything. “I feel overwhelmed,” She said.

“Do you want to talk about it?” He asked her as he gently smooths her back. “I—being 20 is overwhelming. Everything is just overwhelming. I have many projects to do before school. I moved into my apartment and had to unpack. I have to get a job to help pay my rent. I feel overwhelmed with everything, Jungwon.” Jungwon hummed in response as he listened to her. He felt his heartache.

“J—Jungwon, I—I almost committed suicide and almost cut myself for the first time,” she hesitantly told him. He slightly squeezed her. Feeling his heart ache even more. Hugging her even closer to him as he heard her crying in his arms. He wished he noticed sooner before any of this got worse. He wished he had enough time to spend time with her. Not by video call, but by going in person.

“Myung, I'm sorry you have to feel overwhelmed and alone. I'm sorry for not being there in person and helping you.” She shook her head on his chest. “It's okay, I understand. You are an idol and have the busiest schedule. Plus, the scandals, hate, discrimination, etc, you have to deal with on top of that. I understand.” Jungwon kissed the top of her head. “But I am here now and will never leave you.”

Her heart fluttered when he said those words. “I am sorry for being selfish to come here. You should be resting, not dealing with this, too.” Her voice cracked when she said the last sentence. Jungwon shook his head. “You aren't selfish or a burden. I would never think of you like that. Plus I am so happy you came here when you are feeling so vulnerable.”

Tears started to fall again. Jungwon hugged her tightly and kissed the top of her head. “I love you so much. I felt like the luckiest girlfriend.” He smiled. “You are the luckiest girlfriend and I am the luckiest boyfriend, too.” He thought for a second before asking, “Do you want to maybe live here with us? I am sure Sunoo-hyung and Jake-hyung wouldn't mind. I can talk to the managers and the company about it.”

Myung thought for a minute before shaking her head. “I don't think the company and your manager would mind. I don't want to be a burden.” Jungwon smiled. “My managers love you as a daughter and the company, it wouldn't be hard to convince them.” She took a breath. “Alright, if they said yes then I will think about it.” He nodded. Suddenly a knock on the door was heard. “Come in,” he said.

The door slowly opened. “Sorry to disturb both of you, but here is the water.” Myung slowly broke the hug and looked at Jaeyun. She wiped her tears before giving a smile. “Thank you, Jake.”

Jaeyun smiled, “It's something at least I could do.” Jungwon stood up before walking to his friend. He politely took the item from his friend. He gave the cup to Myung. “Drink some water so you don't get dehydrated.” She nodded before drinking water. “Also, the others seem to be worried about Myung.”

“The others?” Jungwon asked. Jaeyun nodded. “All of them.” He nodded to his friend. “Alright.” His friend then closed the door giving them privacy again. Her boyfriend turned back to her. “Do you want to stay here?” She shook her. “I don't want to ruin your time with the others.” He shook his head before taking her hand into his. “You aren't a burden at all… at least eat some strawberry ice cream. You don't have to talk to anyone.”

“But—” before she could finish her sentence, Jungwon kissed her lips. “No buts. Let's go, hm?” She slowly nodded, letting him take her hand and lead her out of the room. She looked down at the floor before looking up. Noticing the others was looking at her. She felt embarrassed that she hid behind her boyfriend's back.

He felt his girlfriend close to his back and smiled. “Cute,” he muttered as he walked towards the others. Then making her sit on the couch where he was sitting before she came. Jaeyun, who was close to her, moved to make room for Jungwon. Myung slowly looked up from looking at her hands. “Hi,” she quietly said.

“Myung, how are you feeling?” Sunoo asked first. “I'm alright now. Better than hours ago at least,” she smiled. “We were going to order some fried chicken, but we heard you love Vietnamese food, so we are going to order Vietnamese food,” Jongseong said.

“Oh, you guys don't have to, I don't want to be in the way,” Myung said. Jongseong shook his head. “It's okay, Myung.” She nodded before hesitantly asking, “How do you guys know I love Vietnamese food? We haven't talked that much.”

“Jungwon has talked about you every day since you two dated. We have to listen to him simping over you, and we got to know about you from him,” Heeseung told her. “He is pretty annoying about it sometimes,” Riki chimed in, earning a playful slap on the shoulders from Sunoo. “He really does love you,” Sunoo smiled.

Myung smiled as she looked at her boyfriend who was focusing on making the perfect scopes of ice cream. “He really does.” Sunghoon turned around looking at Jungwon before smirking. “Hey lover boy, stop making the scopes so perfectly. I am sure, Myung wouldn't mind the scopes not being perfect!”

Jungwon glared at him, “Shut up, and let me focus.” Laugher was heard in the apartment as they waited for the delivery to arrive. Myung smiled. She is the luckiest person alive to have people like them in her life.

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“i’m scared to open my locker! what if there isn’t any note inside?” “—and he wrote for me to meet him on the football field after school!” “who do you think yeonjun will confess to? i heard from hana that he was eying her, but mina said the same thing!” “well i heard hana say that jake was going to confess to her today on the rooftop!” “—to meet near the school gates!”

a soft smile made its way onto your lips. confession day—at least the start of it—was always one that made you happy inside. you loved seeing other people finally confess their feelings to to each other. it was also fun for you and your friends to make bets on who would confess to who.

just as you reached for the lock of your locker, you friend yeji ran up to you with a thrilled expression, her black hair flying into her face as she came to a sudden stop. “it’s confession day!” she squealed repeatedly, brushing her hair out of her face and linking her arm with yours once you got your books out. “who do you think will confess to who later today?”

“apparently hana has many suitors,” you shrugged and the two of you giggled slightly as you walked the halls slowly to your homeroom. suddenly yeji turned to you, a playful grin lighting up her face with a scrunched nose. oh god, you thought, what is she about to say?

she tickled your side, making you squirm away with a laugh. “do you think beomgyu is going to confess to you today?” she asked. you swatted her hand away, heat creeping up your neck as you looked forward to try and hide how flustered the question made you. you shrugged again, hopeful smile curling your lips.

beomgyu sat at his desk surrounded by his two friends, yeonjun and soobin. he shifted a sealed envelope from hand to hand, “to y/n” written on it. the red striped tie and dark blue blazer of his uniform suddenly seemed so constricting. “—and tell me exactly what you wrote in the letter,” he heard the tail end of yeonjun’s sentence.

beomgyu had already told soobin just minutes prior and he sighed softly as he dragged his eyes up from the letter. nerves flowed through him as he recounted the letter again for yeonjun.

dear, y/n

would you meet me under the cherry blossom tree by the train tracks after school?

beomgyu

it was a very simple letter, really. beomgyu had wanted to give his confession in person to you rather than through a letter or any other means. yeonjun’s face contorted in thought. “maybe spice it up a little?” he suggested.

“i like it. it’s simple and right to the point. besides, he said he wants to confess in person,” soobin cut in before beomgyu could. yeonjun hummed before nodding slowly. “i guess it could work!”

just as yeonjun finished talking, the homeroom door opened. you and your friend—yeji, who he’s come to know of—stepped through; arms linked as you leaned into each other to whisper something he couldn’t hear. a low laugh emitted from you and beomgyu swore it was the prettiest, most melodic thing he has ever heard.

the sunlight from the open blinds of the classroom cascaded down onto your frame, illuminating you like you were on a stage. beomgyu just couldn’t believe how pretty you were. your eyes connected with his, that bright smile of yours still on your face, and you waved your hand slightly to wave at him. your bright smile turned sheepish as you quickly looked away and you and yeji made it to your seats.

from just one look, beomgyu could practically see your future together. he wanted to be yours and you to be his so desperately. he wanted to do simple day to day activities with you, like helping you with homework and putting your books into your locker. he wanted to take you to the movies and talk about what you decided to see and walk you home after, fingers just barely brushing past each other. you were just so cute.

“look at him, there’s literally hearts in his eyes,” beomgyu distantly heard yeonjun say. his eyes were still on you until fingers snapped in his face, startling him back to reality. soobin pulled back his arm with a laugh and beomgyu rolled his eyes. he glanced back to you briefly, small smile forming on his face before returning his attention back to his friends.

beomgyu looked down again at the letter in his hands. he had meant to put it in your locker this morning before you arrived, but chickened out at the last second. that’s why he was here, enlisting the help of his two idiot bestfriends to ensure everything goes off without a hitch.

soobin laid a hand on beomgyu’s shoulder and patted it comfortingly, “you got this, man! it’s so obvious that the two of you like each other!” yeonjun nodded in agreement. beomgyu sighed and tucked the letter under his books. he hesitantly let their words fill him with confidence and hope. i really hope she does, he thought.

you turned slightly and looked over your shoulder, just barely catching a glimpse of beomgyu. you turned back towards yeji with a lovesick smile. “it’ll happen, don’t worry! it’s so obvious that the two of you like each other!” yeji comforted you. you just sighed and directed the conversation to a different topic. i really hope he does, you thought.

when you were grabbing your bag from your locker, mid conversation with yeji, a small white envelope fluttered to the ground at your feet. yeji gasped as you bent to pick it up with wide eyes. yeji drew closer to you, hiding the letter from the view of the other students making their way towards the entrance of the school. “open it, open it!” she exclaimed.

with a deep breath you carefully opened the envelope that had “to y/n” written on it in familiar handwriting. carefully you opened up the delicate letter and read the contents, yeji beside you taking in every word as well. you froze in shock for a split second before a wide smile broke out onto your face and it took everything in you to keep from jumping up and down.

“he wants me to meet him under the cherry blossom tree by the train tracks…” you breathed lowly, shock still reeling you. you repeated yourself, each word getting louder as you turned and grasped yeji’s hands with excitement and almost crinkling the letter, “he wants me to meet him under the cherry blossom tree by the train tracks!”

you had gathered the attention of the students walking by and heat suddenly spread across your face and immediately calmed you down. unfortunately, just as you shrunk into your locker, your eyes briefly connected with beomgyu’s bestfriend and resident golden boy of your school—choi yeonjun.

he looked in your direction and you just barely managed to catch the smile he gave to beomgyu’s other bestfriend—choi soobin—and the words forming from his lips.

your grip on yeji’s hands tightened as you quickly pulled her towards the girls restroom. “oh my god!” she exclaimed and began jumping the two of you up and down. excited giggles left both of your lips and echoed off the walls of the restroom.

“oh my god,” yeji repeated, suddenly serious. “he means meet him now. you have to go, like, right now!” worry suddenly broke through all your emotions at the possibility of beomgyu thinking that you wouldn’t show. yeji started pushing you towards the door of the restroom.

“oh my god!” you worriedly repeated yeji’s words. in response, all she repeated was, “go, go, go!”

you booked it out of the restroom and out of the school, running all the way until you saw the familiar cherry blossom tree down the hill in front of where the school sat. distantly, you saw beomgyu’s figure waiting for you and you inhaled deeply as you made slow strides towards him. you held the letter close to your heart and tried to control your nerves the closer and closer you got to the tree.

at your incoming footsteps, beomgyu turned to you and you gasped softly and how beautiful he was. a flustered—and somewhat sheepish—smile spread across your face and you stepped just mere inches from where he stood. “i got your letter,” you said as you looked up into his eyes.

the falling cherry blossoms around beomgyu’s head and soft afternoon light framed him perfectly and it made you wonder just how lucky you were that you were the one he chose to confess to.

beomgyu opened his mouth, only to close it and have a matching sheepish smile overtake it. just as he went to open it again, a cherry blossom fell onto his head, caught in the dark strands of his hair. he looked up, just as you did as well, and you both chuckled. “can we start seeing each other?” beomgyu ask you quietly, plucking the flower from his hair and holding it out to you.

if it were even possible, your smile widened and you accepted the outstretched flower. from the corner of your eye saw yeji, yeonjun, and soobin huddle together behind a bush directly across from the two of you. yeji nudged them out of the way to get a good look but accidentally ruffled some of the leaves of the bush. you saw the three of them drop down quick as lightning behind the bush before you or beomgyu could see them.

you nodded and softly spoke, “i would really like that.” a toothy grin spread on beomgyu’s lips. finally, the one he adored the most was his.

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just as she thought that, she caught sight of a white moving van rolling up to the newly-purchased house beside her house. in her childish excitement, she quickly stood up, almost tripping over herself in excitement, before she politely dusted her hands on her little yellow sundress, peeking on her tiptoes to see over the fence. to her surprise, she came eye to eye with a smiling little boy, round boba eyes bright with wonder and anticipation.

“hi! i’m taehyun! i’m…” the little boy paused, before he pulled out his hands and started counting. “i’m five!” taehyun held up five fingers in delight. ecstatic that she had someone else to play with, yn and taehyun became fast friends.

ii. when we were kids

throughout their younger school years, they had always been in the same class and their friendship grew stronger, until they were each other’s best friends. now, they had just begun their first year of middle school. with the process of growing up, their dynamic also changed. maybe it came with the arrival of adolescence, but their relationship, something, was different and yn couldn’t put her finger on it. 

sure, as children they would hold hands, especially when yn was nervous. often, taehyun would tease her about how she was a ‘scaredy-cat’, but would secretly love the way that she would shy away, into his back. he often boasted about how he was her knight in shining armour and she was his princess. as children, when they were leaving a play date, one or the other would often give a cute little kiss on the other’s squishy cheek to bid them fair well. yn could remember so clearly, the cooing noises their mothers would make, seeing that interaction. in fact, they loved it so much that both mothers had matching framed photos on their living room mantelpiece of a secret photo they snuck.

but now, it was different. there were more fleeting touches, possessive holds, namely from a devilishly handsome teenage taehyun. sometimes, he would sneak up from behind her, while she was grabbing things from her locker, and his arms would circle her waist, before he lifted her into the air, with her legs kicking. other times, he would be more sensible, wrapping his arms around her from behind before leaving his quote-on-quote “stupid, heavy head” on her shoulder. what taehyun didn’t know was how hard yn would try to suppress her smile when his hair tickled her neck.

most of the time though, yn could curse his stupid height. now that he was taller than her, he would often rub it in by petting her head, before using those stupidly long legs to run away from her. goddamn it, why did god give him such spidery long legs! doesn’t he know how tiring it is to run after him every day just to get her revenge?

being the school heartthrob’s best friend was hard, many times a day would yn be stopped in the hallways by girls and guys alike, asking her if she could pass this on to taehyun, pass that message on to him, or answer such questions about taehyun’s hobbies. more often than not, she would diligently pass the message on to taehyun, not without a tone of teasing mockery, on their walks home together. those were the best times, when the setting sun was the only witness to their banter, as they zig-zagged across the path leading to their homes, playful shoving accompanied by sarcastic jokes and digs, a secret language created by the two of them.

iii. still you take up all my mind

the second year of middle school was no different. taehyun and yn were still attached to the hip, they were barely anywhere without each other, supporting each other both in public and private. they were each other’s comfort.

yn could remember as clearly as yesterday, when they were both in some stupid lecture, where the lecturer had jokingly said that if they got bored, they could sleep through it. excited at this rare opportunity to sleep through a WHOLE lecture, taehyun immediately turned to yn. he knew that in the past week, she hadn’t been sleeping well. who would, if they had 5 assignments to hand in, back to back in the past 3 days?

he wordlessly offered her his shoulder to lean on and without missing a beat, yn immediately took the offer, resting her head on his shoulder. what surprised her though, was the added weight she felt when taehyun leaned his head and rested it on top of hers. this feeling was foreign, but it made her feel warm and fuzzy on the inside and so, they slept peacefully through the whole lecture, heads resting together, hands almost touching on the shared armrest.

iv. im just trying to understand

she doesn’t remember when it started happening, but slowly, their fleeting touches and linked pinkies during their walks together began to make her feel something more. it ignited a flame and sparks of electricity when their skin made contact. those warm, comforting back hugs made her heart do somersaults and butterflies spawn in her stomach, tickling her insides with their fluttering wings.

she didn’t take notice of it, until a friend of hers mentioned in passing, “hey, have you ever wondered if taehyun liked you? he’s always attached to you, almost acting like a boyfriend.” initially, yn dismissed her friend’s claims with a nonchalant shake of her head and a laugh, thinking that the notion was hilarious and she was so funny for mentioning something like this.

that afternoon, while taehyun and yn were walking home, taehyun subconsciously reached out his hand, linking his pinkie with hers. this sudden contact sent a sparkle of shock up yn’s arm and her heart jumped in her chest. hell, she was so surprised she almost jumped off the sidewalk into oncoming traffic. that was when her friend’s words crept back into her mind again.

‘does taehyun like me? or are we just friends?’

she thought long and hard. did other people’s best friends bring them their favourite snack when they felt down? did their best friend try their hardest at rigged arcade games to win them the plushie they had wanted? did their best friend always leave the sweetest notes in their locker before exam season? did other people also call their best friends until late at night, talking about everything and nothing at the same time? or was that what a boyfriend did?

those ideas wormed their way into her brain, warmth blooming across her cheeks. it spread like a virus, before that was all she could think about the whole walk home.

when she got home, she flopped onto her bed, burying her face into the nearest plushie and, with a silent apology for the abuse her plush was about to suffer, she let out a muffled scream. 

this was too hard. romance was too hard, how did the people in the books she read and in her school manage? did they also face the same predicament she was in? did they also have a more than 10-year friendship on the line like her? 

sighing, yn stood back up, smoothing out her hair, her mind set on getting her homework for the day done, just so she could keep her brain occupied with useless information that she most likely wouldn’t need later in life, rather than the handsome, lovable, sarcastic boy who was her best friend and lived next door to her.

she should’ve known her efforts would’ve been futile. during class, her eyes would wander to stare at the sculpture of art that was taehyun’s face, sitting next to her. her hands drew restless doodles and her thoughts were plagued with the possibility that maybe, just maybe this boy, her best friend, would like her.

these thoughts haunted her day and night, resurfacing at the times she least expected. they sprung up in her mind every time she felt his arms wrap around her waist. the contact that used to bring her so much comfort and warmth now only brought about unwanted thoughts of doubt and confusion, causing her to dread the familiar weight of those arms and attempts were made to worm her way out of the long limbs that entrapped her.

taehyun first noticed how strange his best friend was acting when she almost threw herself onto the road from the mere contact of their pinkies touching. initially, he brushed it off as his overreaction, after all, they had done this often enough that she should’ve been used to it. but as time went on, he began to doubt what he called, his ‘ynnie instincts’. things just weren’t right, somehow everything he did warranted a very strange and out-of-sorts reaction from his most beloved best friend. 

did he do something wrong? was he making her uncomfortable?

these thoughts plagued his mind, day and night, while he was doing homework, eating dinner, anything. his thoughts always drifted to her. her face, her favourite food, her comfort characters, everything they’d done together, he had everything memorised. so what had he done to make her react in such a way towards him? he thought, he pondered, he wondered, but nothing clear came to mind.

v. what i am to you

the warm summer days came and went, so too did the autumn days, and then the winter days before spring finally arrived. along with the changing of the seasons, taehyun and yn’s relationship also changed.

it was like a huge chasm had opened up between them. the pair, who once spoke about everything together, now barely talked to each other. after the break, yn had had the time to think things through and she finally found some answers for herself. yes, she did like her best friend. but did he feel the same way? that question, she left unanswered. as for taehyun, he was still in the dark about what rendered such actions from his closest friend.

in an attempt to restore their friendship, yn would seek out taehyun after classes ended, in hopes that they could rekindle their friendship, yet every time she looked for him in the corridors, he was with his new friends that he had made. frankly, they were intimidating, especially the one kid with dimples, who was super tall.

so, as any intimidated person would do, she avoided their group at all costs, but after school, she would often text taehyun or share some funny videos she saw online. however, as time went on, the replies she got were more distant, and disinterested. sometimes, she dared let herself hope, sending over a cheesy little pickup line, hoping he would take the hint and make the first move, or at least drop a hint. 

one time, she took a plunge into the deep end, sending a maths pickup line. after thinking about it for a while, she followed the video with ‘hahaha jk (unless?)’. in the end, she was once again left disappointed, with his stupid, stupid, logical reply of how ‘u’ and ‘i’ were used in maths, just for something else. for once, the conversation bounced back and forth between the two of them, until taehyun left her on read and never replied.

he was conflicted. did she like him the same way he liked her? those videos that she would send and the follow-up message of how they reminded her of him suggested one possibility, yet her responses when she noticed he was within a 50-meter radius of him suggested otherwise.

god, girls were confusing.

so of course, taehyun did something that, thinking back, was so stupid. he messaged one of the girls who had yn pass on her phone number to him.

they began talking more often, but every time taehyun saw her name flash across his screen, he didn’t feel that familiar spark of anticipation, of excitement. he felt nothing. yet every time his phone vibrated with a new notification from her, his ynnie, he felt fireworks explode in his heart. at the same time, he tried to stamp out these feelings.

“she doesn’t feel the same way” echoed like a mantra in his head. maybe if he told himself that enough times, he would believe it.

maybe talking to another girl wasn’t the best idea, or at least, telling your loud-mouth friends wasn’t the best idea. not even 2 periods had passed since taehyun had told his friend, beomgyu that he was talking to another girl, that at least half the year level knew about this new girl.

yn was only walking past a group of friends huddled together when she caught wind of what they were talking about.

“have you heard? taehyun’s talking to another girl!” one girl stage-whispered. there was a collective gasp. “no way! i thought him and yn were a thing?” another girl gossiped. “haven’t you seen the way taehyun and yn would act? i would’ve thought they were practically in love with each other.” a guy countered. “no way taehyun is talking with a different girl right?”

vi. if only you knew

in a final attempt to save their failing friendship, yn sent taehyun a long message after she got back from school that day. she poured her heart and soul into her message, deleting things and editing it over and over again in her notes app, until she was finally happy with her message. she included how she hoped their friendship could continue, she enjoyed all the moments they shared. maybe they could talk more? the message also eluded to something more, courtesy of her friend, who cheered her on over text to say that.

taking a deep breath, she sent it.

like a woman possessed, yn checked her phone every couple of minutes. while she was doing homework. right after she finished dinner. she flipped her phone after every episode of the kdrama she was watching finished. yet to her dismay, he hadn’t even read her message.

late that night, while she was preparing to head to bed, her phone vibrated, from on her bedside table. her ears pricked up at the sound of the familiar vibration, her heart soaring in her chest when she saw the contact name.

‘tyunnie sent one new message!’

clicking open the message, she felt her heart plummet.

two sentences. it only took two sentences to completely shatter her heart.

‘hey, i saw your message, i hope we can continue being friends too, but as you’ve probably heard, im currently talking to another girl. i hope you understand.”

vii. pretend that we're more than friends

no matter how much effort she put into maintaining their friendship, taehyun’s delayed replies for days and weeks exhausted her. she told herself, it was because of this new girl. she wasn’t envious of her. all she wanted was the best for him and maybe, she wasn’t enough.

after staring mindlessly at her black phone screen, waiting, hoping for a reply, she finally gave up. with a sigh, she turned over her phone, before resting her head on her desk. maybe she should stop getting her hopes up again.

maybe that’s all they’ll be, once best friends, now they were…whatever they were now.

despite all that, she hoped and dreamed that one day, someday, she’ll stop falling in love with her best friend. maybe one day, he would find the one for himself, but until then, she would allow herself to have a bit of hope maybe, pretending in her mind that they were still friends or maybe more than friends, the blurred line between friends and something more.

maybe still, he would be the person she sought out when she entered a classroom or was lost in the crowded hallway, even if all she would ever see was the back of his head. that was enough for her. when the time comes that he finds the one for him, she would happily let him break her heart once again.

in the end, taehyun and the girl had split up. the girl realised her true feelings, while taehyun finally came to terms with his love for his best friend. little did she know that every time she turned away, his longing eyes would search for her familiar silhouette in the crowd, hoping she would turn around and catch his eye.

you were beomgyu's best friend. only friend? yes. but the best one either way. it was almost cliché the way you had met. bumping into him at a convenience store and accidentally spilling all of his iced coffee all over him. you were so cute, cheeks flushed in embarrassment as you scrambled to grab tissues before the stain could soak in. it was a shame he was wearing a white tshirt.

every day after that it was like you saw beomgyu everywhere. you hadn't even realized he was in your same class until you were forced to sit next to him, a bright smile creeping onto your face, you're from the convenience store, right? i'm still so sorry about the coffee. he only glared, lips parting as he worked up an answer before you spoke again. i can buy you another one after school if you don't mind, you offered shyly.

you truly grew on him. your bubbly (but fierce) personality, always defending him from rude remarks, closely following behind him wherever he went. hallway glances turned to eating every lunch together, small talk turned to meaningful conversations about your futures, swing sets at the park turned to laying side by side on his bed, an earbud each as you listened to acoustic instrumental.

even now, as you sat in his lap, staring at his lips for a bit too long before nervously looking back up, brushing stray hairs out of his face.

the day, today, where beomgyu had kissed you like he'd wanted to for so long. you were shocked to say the least but didn't think about pulling away for a second. it was like flowers bloomed, the dim lamp on his nightstand creating a glow around you. beomgyu kissed you again, no words enough to make you understand his longing.

arms wrapped around your waist to pull you closer, soft hairs tickling your neck as he nuzzled into you, squeezing you tight.

beomgyu still had that white tshirt, tucked away in the corners of his closet. he cherished you more than you thought, a sunshine brought into his dull life. choi beomgyu loved you, and now he'll never let you forget it.