To Capture the Stars

me: that’s right

my future employer: may i see your contribution

Thylacoleo, for the uninitiated, was Australia’s equivalent of the sabre-tooth cat. It was the size of a leopard, murdered rhino-sized marsupials with sharp teeth and huge claws, and looked like this:

Its closest living relative is this:

Yes, the most vicious mammalian carnivore Australia has ever produced is most closely related to a herbivorous furry cube.

What the fuck.

It’s obvious when you check out Thylacoleo’s teeth. Most mammalian carnivores have a similar setup: incisors, canines, premolars and molars. Dogs have it, cats have it, we have it. Thylacoleo’s teeth look like this:

You’ve got pincer-like incisors in the front, giant sharp-edged molars in the back, and no canines to speak of. 

That last bit’s the important part. Canines are most useful for holding meat, so herbivores tend to shrink them down to nothing. Thylacoleo’s lack of proper canines show its ancestors were originally herbivores. But because you can’t just re-evolve features once they’re gone, it had to make do with what it had. Hence those ridiculous fucking teeth, which were nevertheless perfect for grabbing and chopping meat just like every other carnivore’s teeth do.

Wolfie the Werecat and his wonderful Enchanted Forest Kitty Sanctuary.

Photos by Wolfie

Art By IG: @vskafandre

If I were to make a super scientific hypothesis as an expert in the totally real field of corgi psychology…

I would say the chances of this furry fella actually being too tired to climb those stairs are about 3%. 

Which means there is a 94% chance he was just being a manipulative, lazy motherfloofer. 

There is also an 8% chance my scientific percentages won’t add up to 100.

Corgis are masters of what I call the “stop-and-plop.” 

During certain physical activities that corgis have become bored with or just don’t want to do (because life is hard)… they will feign exhaustion and dramatically hrumph onto the ground. Even with leash tugging and gentle foot prodding they will refuse to take another step. Advanced stop-and-ploppers may even roll onto their back exposing their bellies–further indicating their “doneness.”  

Thus begins a battle of wills. 

Can the human outlast the stubborn corgi and wait until they are willing to continue walking?

No. 

This has never been achieved. 

You must gather your stumpy companion in your arms and carry them to the destination. 

Some humans will even take precautions for this eventuality. 

Once you are home and exhausted from carrying your corgi, you might find yourself stopping and plopping onto the comfiest furniture you own. That’s when your “wayyyy too tired to take another single step” corgi will bring you a toy and beg you to play with them. 

This is an alpha display to let you know you have been manipulated and any sense that you were in charge was actually an illusion.

I submit the very last frame of the above video as evidence.