MCMXCVI

Hospitals were funny. They could be so many things to so many people. They were a place where you could be given the best news of your life or the worst. They could be places where you get the help you need from silly to serious accidents. And apparently mazes. That's how you found yourself in an empty hallway. Maybe someone was doing something down the hall but you weren't paying enough attention. Man, you wished you might have so that you could have spared yourself from the embarrassment of what was about to happen.

"Wait, stop", he said, adding your name and it still sounded so god damn sweet and maybe you should consider changing it, something no one could pronounce, something Robby could not pronounce.

You two were so close and it felt so nice still. Why was his cologne calming you down? Why did you have to be so in love (…woah) with someone who probably hadn't thought about you since he last saw you? He probably hadn't thought about you ever. But he occupied all your thoughts if you were being honest with yourself. You still found yourself looking off when you thought about him, looking and feeling like a schoolgirl.

You would spot someone on a television show that resembled him a little and couldn't help but think of the sweeter times that you two shared. The times in which you weren't in bed together and as much as those were amazing, it was different when you just had take out together or he did take you out somewhere. Then those feelings of being hurt and feeling used came and stomped all over those other sugary memories.

Those times when you would cry yourself to sleep because he didn't want to spend the night, even when he had a day off or the times when you so desperately needed and wanted to tell him that you felt something real with him. Only for him to tell you that he didn't want to get too personal.

But it was personal, it got personal. He told you things about him that you were sure he didn't tell anyone else. But maybe you were so lovesick that you didn't care if he told other people, you just cared that he told you.

"I wasn't excepting to see you", he spoke again. Yeah, no shit. You looked at him still, taking one step back just to let yourself breathe properly. "I…how are you?", you knew he wanted to ask about the folder, the reason you were here in the first place. He couldn't bring himself to do so. You took the charge.

"It's not yours", you lied and were you convincing, you weren't sure. You honestly probably weren't. Did it matter? Did he ask? Did he care? If you ever wanted to know something more, it would have been that. "The baby…that is".

You don't know why you lied. Was it because you were trying to beat him to the punch of rejection. This way he couldn't reject you, or your baby. Your hand moved to your stomach slowly, lower down as you found it grounding.

"I don't…", he shook his head. What was he going to say. He didn't care, in what way did he mean it? You had to physically shake your head from the thoughts. You didn't need to be thinking that way when you just wanted to go. You needed to go. You had to go. Maybe you'd find a witch to put a spell on him, that way if ever did try to say your name he could lose a toe or another appendage that he cared more for. That you cared for too. Stop. You had to shake your head again. Damn.

You couldn't take much more of the awkwardness, you just knew you needed to lay everything out there. And by everything you meant, lie.

"Yeah, okay Robby", you started, pushing your shoulders back, a fake smile on your face. "I am pregnant and the father and I are very happy together", a lie. "We are very happy". Why did you say it twice?

"I'm happy for you, for both of you", Robby answered. You weren't sure if you could believe him, the smile on his face didn't reach his eyes and his hand was in a soft fist by his side. You now found his name badge really interesting all of a sudden. What shade of green is that?

"I'm happy too", the smile didn't reach your face but he didn't comment on it. You wondered if he even noticed those kinds of things about you.

"I'd like to meet him", Robby said and even he thought he was stupid for thinking that, let alone actually speaking it. Your eyes shot up at him again, your brows were lifted into your hairline, a million emotions on your face and racing under your skin.

Only one boiled to the top of you. Anger.

"Are you fucking…", you dropped the folder, both hands now on your face. "Robby, you're a real fucking dick", you said before even letting them go through a filter. You didn't bother to glance at him, you knew that if you did you were going to feel guilty about it. But the anger you had held in for so many months, even before he ghosted you, was finally coming out.

"I understand that I took things too personal, that I thought there was something between us all those months, that I wanted something more with you", you breathed out again. "I wanted something real and I thought you felt it too". He started to speak, you put your hand up, just between you two, not touching him, not touching you, not threatening. "You don't get to be in my life, Michael", now the hand was touching him, turning into an accusatory finger. It was only fair. He did the same.

"You don't get to ask me things like that, you don't get to look at me as if you're a part of my life or as if you even had thought or considered me…", you stopped, shaking your head, stuttering over your words to find the right ones. "...ever!". You poked his chest, pushing that stupid badge in the process.

He said your name again, grabbing the finger off his chest and holding it. You jerked it away quickly, the feeling of electricity still burning as you let it drop to your side.

"I'm sorry", he spoke and you scoffed. "Please", he begged, looking down at you with those big brown eyes, now full of sorrow. You didn't like that you did that to him but you also didn't like that that was how you felt, because of him. Still, you let him go on.

"I know, this is a long time coming. I should have said something then, I should have told you how I really felt". How he really felt? What did that mean? He didn't say anything when you told him how you felt. He just stared and eventually you got the hint and left. "I was scared, for so many reasons and it's not important..", he sighed as he scrubbed a hand over his face. It was important, it was important to you. What did he mean. "…but I shouldn't have dealt with it the way I did. I never even told you goodbye".

After a few moments, you spoke. "You can say goodbye now". You were being too proud but you knew you needed to be to protect yourself. Why let him in again, in any kind of way, just so he could break your heart all over again.

"I don't want to say goodbye", he answered, your name on his lips again. "You have a boyfriend, a whatever..", he was bitter, you could see that. "…but couldn't we be friends?".

You didn't know what to do, you wanted to scream still, the anger still towards the top, just now pushed down a little. It felt better to speak it but it didn't feel better knowing nothing was going to change for the two of you. You were still heartbroken and he was still now yours. You wanted to be so much for Robby, to Robby, but he had made it clear all those months ago, for months, that you weren't something he wanted in his life. So why now? Because there was someone else that already had you? That he knew of anyway.

"I don't think that's a good idea", you answered. You looked at him, for what you thought and maybe hoped, would be the last time. You gave him a small smile, almost reaching your eyes. You reached out and squeezed his forearm, letting yourself have one small indulge. "It is goodbye, Michael".

You didn't look back, you couldn't look back.

₊˚ ✧ ━━━━⊱⋆⊰━━━━ ✧ ₊˚

There was still so many things you wanted to say to him. The one thing always coming to your mind as you lie awake at night, too uncomfortable as your body changed, was why. Why did he not want you? Why did he say he should have told you how he really felt. What did he really feel? It all made your head hurt until you overthought your way into sleep.

It was months later when you saw Robby again. You had made sure that each baby check up was the first appointment of the day. You made sure that you were hypervigilant and went to and from your car. You were lucky that the OB was not on the same floor and for months you were lucky. But you knew from the first time in the hospital, you weren't lucky.

Sure, you were extremely happy about your baby, yours and Robby's baby. You had found out weeks ago that you were having a girl. You felt it was a sign that you could give someone the life you wish you had, you were already so in love with her. It still felt guilt over the idea that she was ruining your life but now you knew that it was meant to be. Whether you and Robby were together or not. You were happy and when you let yourself daydream, you always imagined Robby as a good dad, the best kind of girl dad. But you didn't allow yourself to think too much about it because then you would start to cry again and you didn't know how much tears you had left.

But this wasn't your lucky day and Tuesdays sucked. Tuesdays still sucked.

You usually were out of the hospital before ten in the morning but today, your OB had an emergency and had to push back your time so you didn't make it into the hospital till ten and maybe you thought you could get away with it. You weren't thinking about sneaking around because if you thought about it then you would curse yourself. But you still seemed to curse yourself.

After getting a little note card with your appointment for the next week on it, you couldn't ignore the hunger in your stomach. Having pushed back the appointment meant that you didn't grab some fries from the drive through place between here and your house and now your baby girl was upset with you.

The cafeteria wasn't far away and you were sure no doctors liked to be there (or had the time) anyway. Especially not a certain doctor. How wrong you were.

You were standing in line, holding a blueberry muffin, it was definitely better than fries - though it didn't taste better. It was also all the hospital had to offer. You stepped up and before you could hand over the five dollar bill, someone held out their own bill. You looked back and then up, spotting Robby.

Did you kill a punch of puppies in a past life? Did you start a fire that took out a whole neighborhood?

"You don't have to do that", you spoke and looked back at the cashier who was handing the doctor his change back. You were sure she didn't want to go against a doctor. Especially him.

"Thank you", you nodded and took your muffin, walking away. You could hear his footsteps, following you out of the cafeteria.

"You're here a little later than normal", he finally spoke and if the face you gave him was anything to go on, he knew he was caught.

"Excuse me?", you raised an eyebrow and stopped yourself from walking and opening the package of the muffin.

"Your appointments are normally done by now, is everything okay with..", Robby glanced down. "…the baby?". Your baby, you wanted to correct him but it was far too late for that now. This was a lot of information. Was he watching you? Did he look into your files? You weren't sure what he was doing.

"She's fine", you placed your hand over your stomach and he grinned down at you. "You're having a girl?", he asked as he looked down at your stomach. You were definitely farther along than the last time he had seen you. You must have been six months - twenty one weeks. "I am", you switched from one foot to the other, that damn pain starting up again. He noticed immediately, must have been the doctor in him. You were literally in a hospital after all.

It was cute and you could feel some of your anger for him sizzling down. He cared. Even if he knew he wasn't the father, he still cared. It was enough for you to let your guard down.

You looked at him and it seemed like he wanted to offer help - his help. You were too tired to deny him right now. "Buy me another muffin?", you offered.

"How about something actually good for her", he chuckled as he led you back to the cafeteria.

₊˚ ✧ ━━━━⊱⋆⊰━━━━ ✧ ₊˚

It was easier after that, to let him back in. You hadn't even noticed you were doing it. He was just so fucking charming that buying you a muffin or even making sure there was a hot bag of fries after each appointment turned into buying you lunch outside of the hospital, though it was only across the street. You had to be careful, you did say you had a boyfriend after all and Robby was semi-respectful of that.

He would question, but not making it seem like it was a question, why he was never at the check ins. You would just brush it off. You would mention trying to find the perfect shade of pink from your nursery or how well your store was doing. You were in a really good place in your life, you even started to like the city. The people were different but they were unique and you had even made some friends.

But still, something always seemed to be missing. You knew what it was. The little girl inside you knew what it was. The reader knows what it was. Michael. Robby. Every time you put a onesies or some diapers, you thought about him. How he would want to buy it all. How you would watch other parents in the park and imagine Robby was sitting with you. How at night you wished he was there, to dull the ache in your chest and between your legs.

It was your last check up before the baby, you were getting a c-section as the baby was in a breeched position and she hadn't moved. You were hoping something would change but as many times as you swam around or did whatever weird advice was on the internet, nothing changed.

You were sitting with Robby at a small table, watching him pick apart a salad. You had noticed that he never ate with you and were worried about him. You were too stubborn to let it continue so you made him eat with you and when you knew he didn't, you wouldn't. It worked.

"Why aren't you eating?", you asked as you set your own fork down, watching him.

"Why did you tell Mel you and the father weren't together?", he asked you out of the blue. Was it really out of the blue? How long were you going to keep that lie alive? If you thought back, you could tell something that had been eating at him the last time you two talked. You didn't push it, didn't think it was your business.

You looked at him and before you could even start, he put his hand up. "You can't be honest with me?", he asked. The accusation hurt. He was accusing you of not being honest with him? It was rich and it was hurtful.

It was strange to Robby that you had already found someone new and gotten pregnant by them in the few (exhausting) months that you had been gone from his life. And that was his fault, he knew that. Everyone knew that. People who had no idea who he was, who you were, knew that.

But it all seemed too sudden. You must have been with this guy before or even during the time when you were with him. Not that you were with him. But that also didn't make sense to him. You said you loved him so why would you be seeing someone else. Were you seeing someone else?

"How did you even know about that?", you asked, your eyes squinting to find the audacity that this man. But Robby knew he was right. You weren't with the dad.

"It came up in conversation", he said simply. It was true-ish. He had been charting later that day that he had seen you again and he had overheard Dana and Mel talking about a patient and from the other descriptions, the almost vomiting, he knew they were talking about you. He had heard them discussing how the patient was so scared and that they wished they could have done something for her, especially knowing she were not with the father. He put two and two together and at first assumed it was his own but the feeling he had when he thought that was too good that he knew it couldn't be true.

He never deserved something like that. He knew the timeline, knew you were thirteen weeks but just never let the feeling bloom. Until he had seen you again.

God, you looked so beautiful. You were so round and if he had any shame he would have smacked himself for thinking of another man's pregnant girlfriend the way he thought of you. When you let him buy you a muffin and then another and even told him you were carving fries, he knew he wasn't going to mess this up. He didn't care if the baby wasn't his, he wanted you. He wanted the baby.

He had never let himself think that way before because he just wanted a life where he didn't have to care about people. It was easier, it was safer. But then you came along, waking him up from his exhausting shift before he fell asleep in his food and the lies he was telling himself about not wanting or needing anyone.

Slowly, parts of you crept their way into his life, clothes you had left at his house, making sure to text him in the morning and night, something he soon found himself doing first. It was all you, the nights you spent together that were amazing but then the days where you got to know one another. He had told you things he had never told anyone else. Told you secrets and some of his fears.

But he couldn't bring himself to tell you his biggest fear. That he was slowly falling in love with you and he was so afraid of losing you. So he didn't tell you, he let you tell him how you felt and was too chicken shit to admit his own feelings. He let you walk out of his life. He let you think he was just using you. He had to. It was easier, it was safer.

"It came up in conversation?", you asked, the words pulling him from his own thoughts. "He couldn't handle it anyway", you shrugged. It was true. You were sure that if you told Robby that he was the father all those months ago that he would have left anyway. Like he let you.

"I could handle it", he said, sitting up so you would know he was serious, that he wasn't joking or trying to lie.

Your face went red, staring at him as if he had two heads. "…handle what?".

"I figured maybe you weren't with the father that first time I saw you again but I didn't care, I don't care", he breathed in. "I want you, I want her", he looked at your stomach as best as he could from your position. "I don't care if she's not mine, I want you to be mine. I want her to be mine and I would take such good care of you both", he finished and you felt like you were going to pass out.

It was all too much, too surreal. Robby was sitting here telling you something you had always wanted from him, that he wanted you. That he wanted the both of you. But it was also hitting you that maybe he was just saying that out of pity. Cursed thoughts.

"I don't want your pity", you started to speak but he cut you off.

"I am not pitying you, I'm in love with you", he swallowed. You swallowed.

"Michael", you spoke and suddenly a sob was forcing it's way out of your throat. You got up quickly, the chair moving too loudly and catching the attention of a few others. You stared at him for a second too long before you were turning and walking out of the room.

He didn't let you get far, cornering you outside of the doors.

"I know I hurt you", he made you look up at him. "I know I should have told you how I felt that night, I shouldn't have let you leave", he grabbed your face, both large, warm, soft hands holding you as small tears streamed down your face. "I never thought I deserved anything good and when I met you I thought it would be okay for me to just take what I could thinking it wouldn't hurt, thinking it was okay. That what we had was just something small but from that very first day you found me, I was so gone for you. I just didn't know. I didn't know until I was pushing you away and it was too late".

You grabbed onto one of his hands, gripping his wrist as you cried. "I'm so sorry", he whispered. "I love you, I love you", he pressed his lips to your forehead, whispering over and over how much he was sorry and how much he loved you.

It only made you cry more. Yes, he broke your heart but you could understand why now. You finally got to understand that. But you also lied to him and you felt so bad about that. You couldn't hold it back anymore.

You shook your head, grabbing his face now. The two of you must have looked like a sight. Acting like an episode of a dramatic medical show to anyone passing by. Thankfully, there didn't seem to be many.

"Michael, I lied to you", you choked out and breathed out, trying to calm yourself. You dropped your hands, moving them to your belly. "She's yours", you whispered. He immediately dropped to his knees, his face against your belly. He felt like his whole world was flipped, in the best way possible. Something he had thought was only possible in daydreams was a reality. He kissed your stomach over and over again, grabbing one of your hands and squeezing it gently.

"I don't know why I lied, I thought it was easier to protect me, to protect us". You looked down at him, trying to stop yourself from crying anymore. "I didn't want you to reject her too", you said, your free hand moving to his head, rubbing your fingers through his hair.

He looked up at you for a few seconds and kissed your stomach again. "I didn't think I'd ever…", he stood up slowly, his hand moving to cradle your daughter. His daughter. "You have made me the happiest man", he told you before grabbing your face easily and pressing your lips together.

The kiss was wet, thanks to your tears and his own falling as soon as you reciprocated. You wrapped your arms around him, bending him forward.

"I love you, both of you", he whispered against your lips, not wanting to pull away. He wasn't every going to let you go again, either of you.

₊˚ ✧ ━━━━⊱⋆⊰━━━━ ✧ ₊˚

lovelies who asked to be tagged x