i love men

You were hoping to find him at his desk. As you hit the ground-floor button, backpack slung over your shoulder, you felt a surge of confidence in your going-out outfit and matching heels. You had hoped he would be there to see you.

Leaning against the counter beside his computer, you gave him enough time to run his eyes up and down your body.

“Wow,” he said, but his voice remained flat.

“I’m leaving for the day.”

“I can see that.” He held your gaze a second too long before returning to his screen, his fingers resuming their rhythm on the keys.

You walked behind him, placing your hands on his shoulders to work out the tension in his muscles. Robby released a sharp exhale at the pressure. An old habit you kept. It soothed both of you.

“The kids are with my parents. Please pick them up before nine; otherwise, they’ll be asleep and it will be a mess.”

“I know. I will.”

“No sugar,” you added, slipping into your usual lecture. “And no TV.”

“Got it.”

“Do you work tomorrow?” You pushed slightly forward to look down at him.

He looked up over the rim of his glasses. “No.”

“Neither do I. Let me know when is a good time to pick them up.”

His hand reached up to cover yours. “Maybe we can do something together?”

You nodded. It was easy, and it was normal. You were still a family, after all. Robby was a great father, and co-parenting meant you were in this for the long run. Both of you.

“There's my man! Get her back, you idiot!” Jack all but howled from the entrance of the Pitt.

You laughed, shaking your head at him. Jack walked to the counter, leaning his forearms across the surface behind Robby’s monitor.

“Well, look at you, darling. You look great.”

You muttered a hushed “thanks,” continuing to knead Robby’s shoulders as he sifted through his email.

“Where are you guys going?”

Robby signaled you with a finger.

“Just me. Friday night out with the girls,” you said with a smile.

Jack’s mouth dropped open. “Just you?”

“Yep.” You popped the P.

“Well, looking like that, you aren’t paying for a single drink tonight. That’s for sure.” He flashed his trademark smirk.

You sighed. “Your mouth to God’s ears.”

Robby scoffed, shaking his head in amusement.

“Aren’t you going to do anything about that, man? That’s your wife.”

“Ex,” Robby said, not looking up from his typing.

“Oh, so you’re single?” Jack teased you.

Robby merely raised a hand and flipped him the middle finger.

“I should get going.” You leaned down and pressed a kiss to Robby’s cheek. “If you need me, please call. I promise I’ll be sober enough. If they can’t sleep, call me and I’ll be there, alright?” You shifted to lean your hip against the desk.

Robby stood, his hand rising automatically to cup your cheek. “We’ll be okay. Have fun.” He pressed a soft kiss to your forehead.

Seeing him like this still made your knees weak. In your heels, you were closer than usual—dangerously close—and you could smell his cologne. You could have easily pushed forward to reclaim his lips.

“Just kiss her, man,” Jack called out.

You cackled, finally turning away. Waving your goodbyes to the crew, you headed for the exit.

“Come on, dude. You can’t be cool with this. She could meet someone,” you heard Jack insisting behind you as the click of your heels echoed through the ER.

“We are divorced, Jack. Mind your own business.” Robby said to put an end to it.

And it wasn't because he wasn't jealous.

He knew there was a chance you could meet someone.

But he also knew you would most likely call him in the middle of the night, to ask about the kids, and he’d say they’re asleep, and you’d ask about him, and he’d say he is awake, and you’d ask if you could come over, and he’d say yes.

And he’d let you see the kids fast asleep in their rooms, and he’d offer a glass of wine, and you’d say yes, but you’d end up making out on the counter instead. 

And he’d take you to bed, and he’d kiss every single piece of your skin he could, and he’d get to taste you again, and if he was lucky, to even have your mouth on him; and he’d fuck you and he’d whisper “nobody else can fill you like I do” in your ear as he pushed, and pushed, and pushed.

And you’d close your eyes and shake your head, and you’d bite his neck, and then mumble “harder” and he’d comply and slip a finger inside your mouth to stop you from making any noise, and he’d whisper “we don’t want to wake them up, baby” as he guided you through the edges of pleasure.

And you’d sleep tangled to him, and his hands would search for your waist in his sleep. And you’d wake up in the morning, and after kissing him good morning you’d take your things and leave before the kids woke up, because you don’t want them to be confused about you and their father’s relationship.

Because you are, at the end of the day, divorced.

You looked back and sent Robby a wink before leaving the ER. A tease, a fleeting flirt, an inside joke, a silent promise that screamed see you later.

Old habits die screaming.

his tone is condescending, dark eyes glimmering with poorly-hidden lust behind his readers, as his large hands grope your perky ass to guide your squirming hips. his own cock is stiff, pressing against his thigh, but he ignores it in favor of the way your tits bounce in the white negligee you have on.

"mhm, so so good," you mewl and one hand leaves your ass to grope your tits instead, greedy in the way he skims a thumb along your nipple before it travels up your neck to hold your jaw. a self-satisfied moan escapes you, leaning into his palm before he's pulling you in to swallow each sweet noise with a filthy, open-mouthed kiss.

"yeah?" he murmurs against your mouth, gasping into his while he finally slides down a hand to rub your clit with a merciless precision that has you cumming hard in your panties and on his lap. "made a mess, baby."

"sorry, daddy," you whimper but he tsks gently, shushing you again with feather-light kisses along your cheek and jaw. he lays you onto your back before he settles between your legs, pushing the lacy fabric up your chest just for his own sick viewing.

"s'alright, darling, just let me see the mess you made, hm?" his voice is velvet across gravel, pushing your inner thighs apart to see the sopping fabric that greets him. he kisses your clit through the cotton panties, your hips jolting upwards from the sensitivity. "nuh-uh, stay still. how can i clean you up if you keep moving, baby?"

you offer another pathetic apology but it falls on deaf ears when robby makes a home of his face between your legs, his beard rasping deliciously against your slick inner thighs when he tugs your panties aside to lick up the sides of your lips to capture the slick with his tongue. his large hands brace along your inner thighs, the fabric of your panties hooked into one finger to keep them in place so he can delve the tip of his tongue through your folds.

"daddy—!" you gasp as you squirm and wriggle but his arms are steel, keeping you in place against the mattress. it leaves you in the mercy of his tongue, his scruffy mouth determined to lick and lave every drop you've left behind. the low grunts coming from him are muffled but doesn't lessen the obvious enthusiasm he has for eating you out.

"love your fuckin' pussy, sweetheart, so so sweet for me," he mutters, pussy-drunk now as he leans his cheek against your thigh, his calloused fingertips dragging your labia aside to stare at your cunt with the same lovesick expression he holds for you. "look at her, so fucking pretty..."

"ngh, daddy..." you whine as he gives your cunt another slow drag, purposely missing your entrance to spoil your clit with attention. your toes curl as it skyrockets you into your second orgasm of the night but robby doesn't stop, spreading your folds so he can capture every bit of your cum.

people hearing the way he whispers to you a soft and pleading "give me one?" when he's leaning in, a giddy smile on his face, theres literally twinkles in his eyes as he's trying to steal a kiss from your lips, eager to show his affections even when theres an audience around

witnessing as you sit on his lap, the way you walk up to him and order him to 'lean back' and settling on top of him, robby constantly planting his lips on your shoulder, looking up at you adoringly (and so so whipped) as you continue the conversation with colleagues and friends while sitting comfortably on his thighs

pulling him towards places by the fabric of the front of his shirt or at his sleeves and he lets you, following your lead happily without protest, sometimes you pull so abruptly he gets a lil bit of whiplash but he just chuckles in response to your excitement or eagerness

Robby didn't want to re-count the harshest things he'd said to you that night, pulling out any card he could think of to upset you. Why? Because he had been upset. Because you were there? Because you'd been doing everything you could for him to love you and damn it but it worked.

Robby fell in love after promising a casual fling with you.

Now, two years gone by without you in his bed he was reaping the fruits of his labour.

He loved you too late, you left him too early. Something of that kind of tragic thing.

“Morning, Cap!” Dana greeted as he walked in through triage.

He offered her a pulled smile, tight in his cheeks.

The only person who might've had this date marked in their diary was Dana. She kept track of all his bad days.

“If you want I can start you of in north four, got a kid wheezing?” she offered, following him around as he dumped his bag at his work station, peeling back his coat and hanging it over his chair.

“Trying to get your money's worth with me?” he asked, trying to tease.

“Trying to distract you,” she said, honestly. “It's gonna be a tough day today.”

Robby huffed out a laugh. “It's always a tough day.”

Typically it took hours for Robby to make his way to the lounge. Maybe he'd steal five minutes around noon to raid the cupboards for something to keep him going, fill up a water bottle and leave it on his desk not to be touched till it was too late. This morning he'd roused late, had no time to make himself a coffee to go and if he was gonna get through the day he needed a coffee.

Pushing open the door it proved a hard fit as a group of doctors and nurses lingered around the table.

“Woah- woah, we seeing patients in the lounge now, huh?” he asked. “What happened to being doctors?”

The crowd dispersed and he found you in the middle of it all. You pushed yourself up from the table and the crowd parted for you and Robby like the red sea.

“Sorry, that's- that's my fault,” you said.

Robby nodded, lingering. He suddenly felt like he was intruding in his own department.

Slowly everyone began to pile out. Santos led the way, Princess and Perhlah behind talking in their native language so Robby had no idea what they were saying. Whitaker was leaving, sheepishly avoiding Robby's gaze and Samira and Javadi left next, smiling and talking about dresses for the big event.

Mel left next with a short 'congratulations' to you.

Langdon was last to leave, pausing at the doorway.

“You know, Abbey had a wedding planner, helped iron things out and got things on the cheap,” he said. “I can ask and get you her number?”

Wedding planner.

Robby knew what it meant. He went to med school- he wasn't an idiot. Yet he still asked himself if it was a friend of yours getting married. He dared not even look down to your hand.

Your mouth hung open a second before you closed it and nodded. “Er, yeah, Frank, that sounds good. Thank you.”

Langdon nodded and patted Robby on the shoulder before letting the door close behind him.

It two years Robby could count the private conversations you'd had together on one hand.

You stood at the table, hands behind your back. You weren't moving to leave.

“You're... getting married?” he asked, surprising himself with how much level he kept to his voice. There was no notes of emotion, he thought. If there was you'd be able to see through him, probably.

“Yeah. Yeah, I'm engaged.”

Robby had only heard six months ago that you and a guy up in Pedes were doing well and had apparently been doing well for a while. Somehow the information had never kept up with him. He blamed Dana, the only person to know about your no-strings-attached plan turned sour. She was trying to protect him.

He nodded. “Can I see?”

The table stood in between the two of you as you hesitantly held out your left hand.

A gold band with a sizable rock sat there like a foreign object on your ring finger. It was too flashy, he thought first, it didn't feel like you. It felt like a show on a hand.

You, he thought, were an understated kind of person. You didn't like flashy. You didn't like everybody's attention on you at once. Heck- he imagined everyone fawning over you before he interrupted was your idea of hell.

Back when the two of you had something you'd blush every time he passed too closely and whisper in your ear or stutter when he touched you as subtly as possible between seeing patients.

There was a reason your casual thing was kept secret. Robby didn't care if others knew, he'd never cared.

Robby gently took your hand, inspecting it closer. “S'real.”

You chuckled, dry. “Is that all you have to say?”

Robby watched as his thumb soother over the back of your hand, rubbing up and down. He knew that his brain had told him to do that, he was a doctor. He didn't know why or how to stop it. “S'nice. What's his name again?”

“Tom.”

Robby nodded. Slowly, he dropped your hand. “Tom,” he mused. “Tom up in pedes, I'm sure he's a nice guy.”

A guy with kids was always a sure way to win your heart. A guy who could shoe affection, for sure. More than him. He was feeling sorry for himself but couldn't find it in him to care.

“Yeah, you really sound like you believe it,” you said.

Robby lifted his shoulders in response, moving around behind you to get himself a cup of coffee.

“Are you happy for me?” he could hear the un-certainty you asked it with, as if you didn't know if you wanted to know the answer. He could picture you behind him, fiddling with the new ring on your finger, twisting it back and forth.

He was happy for you. Maybe. Even more miserable for himself. “Does it matter?”

“To me, yeah,” you admitted. “And don't ask me why, I'm- I'm not sure why I care.”

Robby knew. It was because you were a caring person, that's what made you such a good doctor, maybe too good a one. You cared about him when he didn't deserve it and still you seem to hold some sort of affection with him.

The pot of coffee grew hot in his hand and he poured it slowly, splashes hitting the back of his hand.

“Are you happy? With him?” he asked in a clipped tone, still without-facing you.

It was your turn to keep the silence. You scoffed, a little chuckle escaping you. “Yeah. I... I think I am.”

That moment of second guessing, that beat of a pause was enough to have Robby thinking you weren't. A chance. That's what was dangling in front of him like a dog with a bone.

Robby considered you, coffee in hand. “You think?”

Though he broke your heart in the end by denying you all parts of him Robby knew that in the rare moments you shared alone, you always found happiness. Whether it was on the tail end of his fingers inside of you, or tongue, or cock, or whether it was simply falling asleep in his bed after a hard shift there was always a genuine smile on your face.

You tilted your head back to get a good look at him. Your laid your hands flat on the table. “I am,” you corrected yourself.

“Then I'm happy for you.”

The coffee burnt his tongue as he took a sip and left you in the lounge, relishing in the heat.

He could pinpoint the moment things began to shift between the two of you.

Robby had been circling around you all day like a shark with a fish. For months- in fact- years it had been that way. Robby handing off a tablet to you, asking about a patient for two minutes and any plans you had for the next five to try to get you to come to his, or he yours. Everyone knew at that point what was becoming off the twoe of you.

There hadn't been any trips from other wards, like Neuro, or social services, or insurance under the pretence of following up on patients only to casually slide up next to Robby. That space, once reserved for his casual 'seven week' thing was taken up by you.

His rather serious casual fling.

The two didn't really go together and if Robby had cared to note that back then he might've been able to hold onto what you had a little longer.

“Patient in twelve?” he asked when you walked up to him, handing him a tablet.

“Waiting for a pysc consult. The woman swears she's pregnant but bloods and ultrasound show nothing.”

He nodded, trying to think of anything else to ask when all he wanted to know if you were going back to his with him at the end of the shift. You had been busy last night, said you had plans and for the first time in months Robby realised how cold and empty the other side of his bed was without you.

“Are you busy tonight?” Robby asked.

You tilted your head down. “Um, no.”

He nodded, scanning the area and wondering who would be listening in. Lucky for him Princess and Perlah, the common perpetrators of gossip, were on the other side. “So mine tonight?”

The blush that crept up your cheeks he hadn't seen since you began this thing.

“Yeah. Sure. Can do.”

Robby peered close at you, wondering what the curt response, almost clipped was for. He decided you were thinking about patients, didn't entertain any other idea.

His hand worked at rubbing your shoulder once before walking by you.

“Actually-” you spoke out, quick on his heels and chasing him down. He slowed his pace just enough for you to walk beside him. “Do you want to, maybe, get food first? I'm starving.”

It was only noon. There was plenty of time for you to get something to eat before he took you home.

“Nah,” he said casually. “I'm sure I got something I cook.”

“Are you sure you want to cook? You'll be tired, there's a place not far from yours, we drive by sometimes, it's Thai I tink.”

Robby still didn't see what you were trying to put down. Or maybe, somewhere in the back of his head he knew but didn't want it to register. He smirked to himself, thinking and leaning down to whisper in your ear. “I won't be too tired to make you come repeatedly, believe me.”

Whatever argument you were trying to make died in your throat as you smiled and kept your head low.

“Okay,” you said, breathless. “Well how about you pick me up from mine at like, nine? If we get out on time.”

Robby had never picked you up from yours to take you to his and press you into the mattress. On occasion he could fuck you in your room, have you melting into his touch in the comfort of your own home but more often than not it was at his place. You would take a long stroll to his if the shift had been bad or he'd take you on his bike you still hated.

It was only a recent thing where you started staying over at his, falling asleep after he'd ravished you. Honestly, he didn't mind it. Robby hadn't realised how much he missed waking up to someone since Jake's mom.

“Just come straight to mine,” Robby shrugged, hands in his pockets.

“I don't know if I want to eat your leftovers.”

“I'll cook.”

“I need a shower then, it's been a crappy morning, I probably smell.”

Robby leaned in subtly, taking a deep inhale. Sure there was a faint wisp of hospital stuck to you but under that there was the sweetness that always had him burying his face in your neck as he released, licking up your sweat like it was honey. “Shower at mine.”

“You telling me you can't at least pick up a woman up before you fuck her all night long?” you asked, pausing in your steps.

He paused to. The promise of all night long re-played in his head. A successful distraction on your end.

“Nine tonight,” you said before sauntering away, leaving Robby reeling.

The rest of the day he didn't get a spare moment to think about it, about why you were so insistent on going home first. He thought maybe you wanted to wash your hair or shave but stuff like that had never bothered him or you. Did you want to change? Make your self pretty for him? He wasn't opposed but any nice clothes you put on wouldn't last long and any makeup would be smeared off by the end of the night.

He caught you at some point talking with Dana, the both of you leant up against a wall in a quiet time.

You seemed stressed. Your shoulders were high, tense and as Dana spoke you. You rubbed at your forehead with the back of your knuckles every now and then but Robby couldn't see what Dana was telling you. He only watched as the older woman who looked out for everyone rubbed your arm soothingly and smiled sadly before leaving.

You didn't see him watching you as you took a deep breath, shaking off whatever was bothering you.

Robby didn't even scan around; he be-lined straight to you. “Hey.”

You glanced back at him, focusing in. “Hi.”

“What was that?”

“What was what?”

“You and Dana? You seemed to be talking, it seemed serious. Everything okay?”

You nodded, flashing him a tight smile. “Yeah. Just a tough pedes case, girl comes in after tripping on the stairs, breaking her arm but looks like there's burn marks on her arms and bruises at her hip.”

“You think abuse?”

You sighed heavily and Robby wanted nothing more than to message the tension out of your shoulders. He made a promise to himself to do it tonight. “It's hard not too.”

“Okay. I'll get someone from upstairs to come and-”

“- don't worry about it, I already called a guy down from pedes.”

Robby nodded and seconds later the two of you were moving through a trauma with perfect understanding of each other. He didn't know if it came from the understanding of bodies in a physical sense or if you really had just spent so much time familiarising yourself with each other.

But concern was brought around again when he spotted you only an hour away from the end of your shift ,standing at the counter with a man he didn't recognise.

He was dressed well, better than him, in a shirt and pants hidden behind a white doctors coat. He could see clean hair pushed back in curls, slightly longer. He was leaning on the counter over at you as if he'd always belonged there.

He was in Robby's space.

“Hey,” he said, trying to keep his voice neutral as he joined the two of you at the counter. “Can I help you?”

Robby looked between the two of you.

The guy was older than you but younger than him, a healthy stubble on his chin and green eyes. Handsome in a way most men were.

Robby caught sight of his name on the coat, Thomas something.

“Oh no, sorry, we were just talking about our pedes case,” he said with a smile.

Robby nodded, looking at you.

“Everything... okay?” he asked. He didn't know why it wouldn't be but still he thought to check.

“Yeah, yeah, course,” you said.

“Great,” said Robby.

He didn't move and neither did Thomas and you stood on the other side of the counter, shifting your weight on foot to foot.

Thomas caught the vibe, drumming his knuckles on the counter and backing away slowly. “The social care team will be down, I'll talk to them.”

“Thank you,” you said.

“I'll call you later.”

Call? Later? Robby watched Thomas walk away and he looked back at you with a soft smile.

When Robby looked back at you you were looking down at the counter.

“Whooo- what was that?” he asked, arms folded over the counter and crowding you in.

“Tom from up in pedes, I asked him to look at that little girl,” you said casually. The way you and him had been talking though, leaning in closer together had been anything but casual.

“I didn't know you knew a guy in pedes,” he said.

You lifted your shoulders in indifference, still not meeting his gaze. “Yeah we've known each other a couple months now.”

Robby waited for you to look at him, to see the frown on his face and smile at him, soothing him the way you did with gentle hands running along his forearms and a kiss to his cheek.

You did none of that.

“Is there anything I should know about the guy?” he asked, wondering if he really wanted to know.

You didn't talk at first and Robby's chest squeezed, like someone had wrapped fingers around his heart and squeezed.

You looked up at him. “We... Tom and I-”

“- Tom?” how long had you known each other to call him Tom?

“- we went on a date last night. Tom and I.”

Around the Pitt he could hear the squeak of wheels and catch the push of gurneys going by. All he could focus on was you.

A date? You hadn't said anything but then again, why would you? He'd never asked because he'd never though to ask? Everyone around the ED knew you had something going on, even patients had picked up on signals some times. He expected word had travelled past the whole PCMT about the two of you.

“A date?” he didn't mean to chuckle, looking back it probably wasn't a good thing.

You looked up at him, something hard and un-wavering in your eyes. “Well we're only casual right?”

“Yeah.” That is what he'd said.

“I can date whoever I want because I'm a free woman.”

He nodded, lips pursed.

“It's not like you probably haven't seen someone else while we're...”

Robby's tongue poked out from the corner of his mouth as he clocked his head. He hadn't so much as looked at another woman when you were there to satisfy his needs. Clearly you couldn't say the same.

In the face of you admitting your date with a guy he didn't need to tell you that you were the only one he returned home to. The only one his lips had familiarised.

“Still on for tonight?” was all he asked.

You nodded.

“Nine at yours.”

When the end of the shift rolled around Robby didn't even check in with you, he got back to his and cracked open a beer. It was already seven o'clock. Were you home, dressing yourself up? Had you wanted to go home first to fit in your call with Thomas?

The thought made him sick and the beer can squashed in his hand, spilling beer over.

At eight he was getting back on his bike and taking the well known road to yours. By half eight he was punching in the apartment code and taking the stairs two at a time to you.

Before he'd even knocked at your door he could smell the faint aromas from you kitchen and the low drum of music.

Was Tom on the other side of the door?

The thought had him knocking a little too harsh.

You paused the music on the other side of the door and swung it open.

“You're early,” you said, holding open the door for him.

“I couldn't wait.”

Robby was already pulling off his jacket as he stepped in and kissed you. He wasted no time in getting your lips to part under his, in licking your lips and getting the faint traces of red wine lying there like lipstick.

As always you hummed a little into his mouth, swinging the door shut behind him.

Robby was inclined to have you on the nearest surface but when he looked to see what it was- the kitchen island- he caught two plates and two wine glasses. His breath caught. “You have company?”

You nodded, happily. “You,” you said, dancing around him. You picked up his coat and slung it over the back of a chair before moving back around the kitchen.

Robby was stuck in an air of confusion with a half hard cock.

“I thought we could eat, before heading to yours,” you said, stirring around in pots and pans. “You like bolognese, don't you?”

“Yeah. But, you know, I ate before coming,” he lied.

You snorted. “Yeah I'm sure left over pizza and beer counts. You can eat a bit more, can't you?”

Robby looked at the plates and the wine poured. There was a couple candles he'd never noticed before lit around the place casting a dull orange glow.

You were back to stirring the pots, setting an almost perfect and strange domestic setting to the place. He was sure his place had never looked so comforting, so homely.

He approached behind you, wrapping his arms around your waist and holding you into him. “I dunno,” he said, gruffly. “I think I've got my mind on other things.”

His beard scratched your neck as he dragged his lips down but he knew you relished in the burn. It had you leaning into him and tilting your neck back for more. His hands palmed at your stomach and he let his tongue lick over your pulse.

Yes, what you were cooking smelled good and yes he was hungry but he was also in desperate need of you withering under him and feeling you un-ravel with his tongue. It was what he was good at. Sometimes he thought it was the only thing he was good at.

“Robby...” your eyes started to flutter shut and Robby's hands moved up your shirt, roughly cupping your breasts and squeezing.

“Bedroom,” his lips tugged and pulled at the lobe of your ear.

“But-” you gasped, hands gripping your kitchen counter. “- the food.”

If Robby didn't know any better (which he was proving at that point in time, he didn't) he'd have almost thought you were stalling.

“How about I work you up an appetite first?” with two fingers on your cheek he turned you to look at him and smashed his lips into yours, stealing your breath and sanity.

Your fingers fumbled to turn off the hob before you turned in his hold, reciprocating his kiss and urgency. “Eat after?”

He nodded, full intending to never sit down and take a meal with you.

By midnight Robby realised there was something wrong.

Not with the chemistry of your bodies, you still moved together in perfect sync, you could still tremble on his fingers and feed into his lust with your own. You were still like two, new, young lovers discovering passion for the first time.

But afterwards you laid next to him, catching your breath before quietly dismissing yourself to the toilet, grabbing one of your old, tatty, shirts from the floor and throwing it off.

It was always good to go after sex, especially as you both preferred it without condoms. Yet after enough time in the bathroom for him to become suspicious, Robby called out.

“You OD'D in there?” he called out.

There was still nothing.

Then the sound of the sink turning on.

Robby waited, your covers pulled up over his lap, his head rested back on his arm.

You came out three minutes later and he looked at you.

Your cheeks were red, eyes glossed over and shirt hanging off your body. Usually you were never in a rush to cover up, flaunting your body around him and spiking arousal again like it was all a game to you.

Robby frowned. You seemed so small in your own room then, lingering in the bathroom doorway. “Something wrong?”

You tugged at the hem of your shirt. You moved, sitting on the edge of your bed. “I want us to go out for dinner.”

“Now?” he asked with a hardly concealed smirk. “I don't think there'll be anywhere open.”

“No, not-not now,” you said, gulping. You didn't laugh or roll your eyes at his attempt at a joke. “At some point I think we should.”

Robby knew at that point he was teetering on the edge of something he might not come back from. One wrong choice of words and he might lose you. “Why?”

You looked at him, gaze painfully blank. “Robby.... C'mon.... you know why.”

He feared he did.

He snorted, propping himself up on his arm. “What like- like a date?”

You thought about it and nodded.

When you and Robby started sleeping together outside of work he thought it was a mutual choice to keep it casual. You'd never pushed him for more and he appreciated it. With others he'd had to express his desire to keep things on the low and as casual as possible. You just got it, discreet invitations to each others house.

Maybe after a year of this non-commitment he should have expected more.

“I thought we were keeping this casual?” he said, looking down and away from you.

It was your turn to chuckle quietly. “What, for two years?”

“It hasn't been-”

“Twenty months, Robby.”

“You've been counting?” he scoffed.

“N-no I just-”

“I'm tired. Can we talk about this later?” he asked, flopping down on your bed. Usually he always found your mattress comfortable but at that moment it felt like a bed of rose thorns.

There was silence and for a blissful moment, Robby closed his eyes and thought he'd got away with delaying the inevitable.

“No, I don't think we can.”

Robby's chest caved. “Okay.” He swung himself up, back to you, switching on your bedside lamp and searching for his clothes.

“What are you doing?”

“If you wanted out, you know, all you had to do was say,” said Robby, talking over every argument you tried to make. “I thought we both understood what this was, that it was just a thing we did-”

“- yeah I did when we started but, come on,” you said, rounding on him as he buttoned up his pants. “Do you really not see this going anywhere?”

Robby didn't say anything, pulling his shirt over his head. “I've got to go.”

He got to his feet but you stood in front of him, a hand out to his chest stopping him.

“Do you see this going anywhere?”

He groaned. “My god, what does it matter?”

“It matters! It matters to me!”

“No I don't see this going anywhere!”

You recoiled like he'd hit you with a bullet.

Robby dragged his hands down his face, taking the couple seconds it brought him. “Listen, it's... it's not you-”

You scoffed, hands planted on your hips. He hated that even then, arguing with him, you looked beautiful. “It's not you, it's me, right?” you mocked.

“I'm not a dating guy, I thought you knew that!” he argued.

“I know your not, geez, I know but I thought... I just thought that after some time you'd change your mind.”

Something twisted and sour settled in his stomach, coiling like a snake.

“Did you only start fucking me in hopes I'd go out with you?”

You looked aghast that he'd even ask. He felt just as terrible for asking. But this was him, not glossed over or lost in kisses. This was what he had to offer. “What? No. No, of course not-”

“That's pretty manipulative if you did,” he said.

“I didn't.”

Robby pulled on his boots next, tying them hastily, pulling a little too tight. “If you wanna go on romantic dates you can call up that Tom guy, not me.”

“Why not you?” you asked, settling close next to him on the bed. “Robby, what is it about you that means you can't settle down?”

He considered you, frowning, creases at his eyes. “I don't want to settle down. There's nothing wrong with me.”

You face contorted as you took in everything he said, slowly digesting his words. “I'm not- I'm not saying there's anything wrong with you.”

“Well, that's kinda what it sounds like.” Robby got to his feet.

You followed, stepping in front of him as he made to move by you.

“I'm gonna go now,” he said. Never had your nights ended so abruptly. Maybe when you first started and neither of you knew if it was okay to sleep in each others bed, whether it was sneaking out in the morning or awkward talk. In the blur of it all you started falling asleep with weak libs and sweat on your bodies, you'd wake up, get coffee, get into work.

Robby supposed maybe it was his fault for letting you get too comfortable.

“Robby,” you stopped him, a hand reaching for his chest. Your shirt slipped down your shoulder. He could see the kisses he'd left there, a last memory. “Are you not even willing to try? Just dinner, that's all I ask. I don't ask for anything else.”

Robby chuckled because it was true. He'd been the needy one, the one searching you out at work, offering you the best cases and to lead the traumas. He was thinking with his dick. But he wasn't in the mood to face that then. “Sure you do.”

You frowned. “Excuse me?”

He rose his brows at you, waiting for you to get the point.

“Don't act like I've been leading this whole thing, you know that's been you,” you snapped.

“Yeah, well,” Robby gulped the bitter taste of his words. “Not anymore.”

He walked past you, shoulder brushing yours.

“Robby!” you called out, stopping him at the door.

He glanced back at you but you hadn't even moved, still facing your bedroom wall.

“If you go now you're not coming back.”

Robby looks back now, wished he'd stayed, wished he'd dropped to his knees and asked you to take him to dinner, ask you to heat up whatever it was you had cooked earlier. He wished he'd stayed in bed, promised to talk about it in the morning and mean it.

But he left and like a fool he really believed the next morning it would all have blown over, that by the next night you'd be to lost in each other to remember the argument.

You didn't so much as look at him the next day and when he tried to call or text he found his number blocked.

Robby lost you before he ever really had you.

You were packing up your last box of kitchen stuff, plates wrapped in tea towels and mugs in bubble wrap, when a soft knock at the door woke you from your meaningless task.

Tom was out at some conference for a couple days, a special committee of pedes doctors around the country. He'd asked you to go but as dedicated to your work as you were yourself you didn't. He'd only left a couple hours ago, you'd promise you'd have all the packing done to move into his down by the time you next saw him.

As a joke, you figured, he'd given it an hour then returned.

So you opened the door thinking as much.

Robby stood on the other side, head rising. He was still in his scrubs, the black of them standing out against the airy hallway of your apartment complex. “Hey.”

Two years ago it might have been a usual occurrence to find him at your door, but it died and had never been re-born.

“Robby. Is everything okay?” You thought something really must have been wrong if he was turning up at your door after hardly any contact besides what was needed when working together.

He peered at you, eyes soft with something you'd never seen. “Can I come in?”

You should have made up some excuse about Tom being there. Or just told him no but both seemed to easy to excuse. Maybe Robby knew Tom was away, maybe he wouldn't take no for an answer. Then you'd have to explain to your elderly neighbours why a man that wasn't your fiancé was outside your apartment.

Without saying anything you held the door open for him.

Robby entered just like he did all those times before. It may as well have been like nothing had changed, that two years of patching yourself up hadn't happened.

Closing your door slowly, you faced Robby standing in the middle of your place that hadn't changed, besides the boxes.

“What's happened?” you asked again, standing at the other end of your kitchen.

“Are you moving?”

“Yeah, I'm moving in with Tom. He's got a bigger place so...” you trailed off.

Maybe this was all your fault for inviting in his opinion about your soon to be wedding, about the ring that sat on your hand. The weight and gleam of it was still hard to get used to.

“How long have you been engaged?” he asked, still looking around the front room like he was trying to remember himself in the space he no longer belonged.

“It's new. A couple weeks? We had to get the ring re-sized.”

You watched him nod before finally looking back to you.

“Are you happy?” he asked.

“You've asked me that already.”

“I just want to know. Are you?”

The truth was: you weren't sure what happiness really meant. Had you been happy when you were only giving your body to Robby when you wanted him to have everything. But were you happy with Tom? When you fell asleep with him and imagined opening your eyes to Robby instead... was that happiness.

You sighed. “I'm happier than I have been.”

It was as honest as you could get.

“Are you happy?” you asked.

Robby's face broke into a smile that was anything but of joy. The lines of age showed around his grimace and his eyes. He ran his hand down the back of his head. “No. No, not really.”

So that's why he had turned up.

You chuckled. You should have known.

Robby chuckled too. “What? What's so funny?”

“Is that why you're here?” you asked. “You're miserable so you've come to make sure I join in on that?”

“Jesus- no.”

“Then why are you here?”

“Fuck! I don't know!” he snapped.

For a moment you wondered if he'd come here to tell you he'd changed. That he wanted you. That he loved you and always had but he was afraid. You'd already practised his entire speech for him, ready for Robby to just say the words.

Robby's jaw clenched and he looked up at you. “Do you love him?”

“Oh, Jesus...” you uttered, turning your back to continue packing. You taped over a side at least three times in effort to distract yourself from him.

“Do you love him?” he repeated, every word punctured with venom.

“You don't know him,” you said.

“Yeah, and I don't fucking want to.”

You glared at him. He had crept closer than before. “Tom is a good guy.”

There were hints of a smirk gracing Robby's lips.

“As if you ever cared about good.”

“I care about love.”

Robby appeared at your side, his hand close to yours without touching you. It was enough to steal away your attention, glancing at him. “I love you.”

The words were like from some fairy-tale, some old dream of yours. The kind of thing you used to imagine in your head before you fell asleep next to him, leaking him and breathing him in.

You jerked up.

His fingers were steady as they slowly wrapped around your wrist. “I love you.”

You shake your head, looking down at the hold he held in you. “You can't love someone the way you treated me.”

“I know, I know,” he uttered, standing closer to you.

However long you spent circling each other around traumas and patients, however much you enjoyed Tom, there was nothing that could replicate the warmth of Robby's body next to yours.

“The truth is...” his hand slowly wound up your arm. His mouth lowered to your ear, his breath hot. “I can't live without you.”

You remembered the times you cried after he left that night and you were resolved to never let him back. You'd blocked his number and almost threw your phone down the trash to rid temptation. Seeing him in work was a new kind of torture and when he dared ask if you could go to his and talk you couldn't even respond. You just left him standing there, hopefully stewing in regret.

You must have cried for weeks before you agreed to go on another date with Tom.

It all felt like it was yesterday with the way he stood next to your, sending shivers all over your body with the way he moved to hold you.

“Robby... we can't...”

Robby inhaled, taking a deep breath of you. When he let it out, it was shaky. His fingers moved back your hair, exposing your neck. He leant in, not kissing, but mumbling in to you. “Please. Please don't make me live without you.”

You'd thought- when Robby returned to you as you wished he would- he'd come with all these promises of being a better man, of finally taking you to dinner and holding your hand and kissing you sweetly.

Robby wasn't promising anything but what he could always give you.

On your kitchen counter you splayed out your hands and Robby looked to your hands as you did, the sliver of gold with the rock catching your eyes.

Robby shuffled to stand around behind you, cascading his arms over yours. He grabbed your hand and curled his fingers around you till your hands were hidden in his. “I love you.... I love you...”

His hand fisted in your hair and brought you into him without resistance.

You melted into him like wax in sun. You wish you could say you put up a fight but wanting him for longer than you could remember made you weak.

His lips were passion and bruising against yours as his whole body moved to cave around yours. Your arms wound around him, curling over his neck and shoulders as you stretched onto your tiptoes. He pulled at your hair and your neck fell back.

Robby dragged his lips down your skin as if he couldn't be parted from you. His tongue dragged down your neck, drawing in wet circles.

Your own hands were pulling at his shirt, clawing it up.

“Yeah, baby.... yeah...” he mumbled into you.

Your hands couldn't decide where they wanted to settle first, where they'd missed the most. All of him. Everything.

In a drag of hands and pull of hips you and Robby stumbled into your bedroom. The same bed, the same room and the same painted walls as he'd seen last time.

Robby kicked the door closed, stumbling into you again and holding your cheeks hard as he kissed you again.

You pulled off his shirt and threw it behind you, dragging your hands down the curves of his belly and feeling around for every bump and groove of him. You wanted to find any change of his and map it in your mind.

Robby's mouth opened against yours, breathing into you. “You feel me?”

You nodded against him, dropping your tongue into his mouth.

“You miss me?” he asked.

You nodded again.

“Yeah, you did, baby.”

Robby took of your top haphazardly, fumbling with it and catching it on your neck. There was a groan before the two of you laughed.

There was nothing to hold or conceal yourself from him as he lowered his mouth hot to your breast, circling his tongue around your nipple and sucking.

Your head fell back in ecstasy. “Oh my god.”

Robby moaned into you. “That nice, honey? Does that feel good?”

He switched to focus attention on the other while groping your breast.

“Feels good, Robby... so good...”

Your hands ran through his hair, nails scratching over his scalp and dragging down. You felt him shiver and groan into your chest.

He went between the two, licking, sucking and kissing while messaging them in his hands.

Leaving a trail of wetness on your chest his hands snuck into your pants and pulled down, falling to his knees with the motion. Gently, as if he was a lover, he helped you stand out of your pants.

His hands were soft on your calves, running up and down gently as his lips followed, peppering kisses.

Robby was still on his knees, only popping the buttons of his trousers to relive his own need straining. With firm hands he pushed at your hips, setting you down on the edge of your bed. “Lie back, baby, lie back.”

You practically fell down onto the bed, your legs falling open.

“Jus' like that baby, you're so good.”

It took all your strength to stop you withering. He'd not even touched you yet. Not where you needed him. Only his hands messaging the plump of your thighs.

You could feel the darkness of his gaze as he lowered his head between your legs, kissing along your thighs.

“Do you need me?” Robby taunted.

You nodded, pressing your lips together firmly.

His teeth nipped at your skin, close to your cunt. “Use your words.”

You jolted at the bite. “Yes, I- I need you, Robby.”

He chuckled, a low grumble from his throat. “Yeah you do... yeah...”

You felt the warmth of his tongue run up and down you. It was familiar and new all at once. The tingle down your skin and want in your stomach was everything you knew but it had been foreign to you since he left.

“Robby... Robby...” you panted as his tongue ran up and down slow enough it felt like torture.

He made some noise into you, watching you as he slid a middle finger into you.

“Arg! Robby!”

“You're so tight, baby,” he said, tongue flat and circling your clit. “He fuck you as good as I do?”

No, he didn't. Tom was a good guy- you meant that- but there was little passion into how he made love, it was all methodical, a perfect amount of time spent to every part of you with rhythmic moves. You'd missed the fire. The way Robby tossed and turned you around.

His finger curled into you. “Does he?”

“No,” you said quick and frantic. “No, he doesn't Robby, not like you.”

With his finger curling in and out of you Robby licked at your clit, sucking it in his mouth.

Your back arched into him. His hand ran down under you, holding you like that, keeping a feast splayed open for him. “Oh, shit!”

Robby pulled back enough to spit into you before licking all around you. “God, you're so messy, baby,” he uttered into you.

You panted as his mouth made work of you, finger gathering your wetness and spreading you all around. He groaned into you, whining too and making a mess out of your cunt as your gasped, breathless, hands curling into your sheets.

His head shook, his tongue wild.

“Robby! Robby!”

He worked in another finger, stretching you out.

“Robby, I can't- I-”

“You wanna come?” he teased, curling his fingers slowly. “Yeah, you wanna come.”

Letting go had been harder to do with the man who were supposed to marry. You could feel your release tightening.

Robby nodded into you, his nose nudging your clit. Just the way you liked. “I'll have you on my cock, I promise, not letting you go again,” he tutted, eyeing the wetness pooling between your legs. “Come for me, honey... baby, please.”

With a hard suck to your clit you let go, hand reaching for him.

He slurped up your release and found your hand, clutching. Your nails were digging into the back of his hand. He let you, gripping you hold enough to turn your knuckles white together.

When he said he wasn't letting you go, he meant it.

Robby waited till your body had finished in trembles before crawling up your body. He kissed you, feeding the taste of yourself into your mouth, tongue licking up yours. The walls of your bedroom reverberated with moans and groans and the creak of your bed as he shifted around, tugging off his jeans.

Propping himself on his heels he marvelled at you, spreading you out.

You got an eye of his cock, hard, pink, veiny and leaking with want for you. It was better than you remembered.

Robby let you look. Though you know from older times of being together Robby didn't always like when you stared. When you followed the curve of his stomach and eyed the fatness of his cock. It was only when you showed him how much you loved the size of him by riding his thigh, stomach and cock that he ever allowed you time to marvel.

He braced himself over you. “I mean it... I can't live without you.”

You shook your head.

You couldn't either.

Your hand ran up his chest, resting at his shoulder. “I've missed you. Every day... every night.”

His head fell into the crook of your neck and he kissed you sweetly there, just once. “I've missed you.”

“Robby, I love you.”

“I love you.”

Slowly he pushed himself into you, filling you with a slow push. His mouth fell open, gasping at the choke your walls kept on his cock.

“Oh shit... oh fuck... arg...”

Your head fell back on the pillow, arching up into him. “Fuck Robby.”

“Yeah... oh shit... I know.”

With gentle care he pushed in, letting you swallow him up. He braced himself on his forearms over you as you took him all up.

“God, I love you... oh, you're so perfect.”

He moved in you slowly, dragging his cock in and out of your walls.

You pushed him down onto you, kissing him. It turned sloppy quickly, as he picked up the pace.

“I'm not- oh shit- I can't hold it, fuck,” said Robby. His head tilted back, screwing up in effort.

His arm stretched out above you, gripping the headboard tightly. The grooves all but fit into his hand as he slammed in and out of you. The plap of skin on skin drummed with the headboard banging against the wall. Your bodies moved, bouncing on the bed.

“Robby! I'm gonna- I'm gonna-”

“Hold on, hold on, hold on,” he mumbled. “Come with me, come with me, just wait, just wait.”

You held onto his shoulders, hands dragging down his back. You knew it would scratch, leave angry welts but as Robby tensed, groaning, you knew he'd want it. Want more.

“Robby, please,” you begged, gaining his attention. “Please come in me.”

His eyes darkened. “Baby-”

“Please. Please.”

Your leg kicked up and wrapped around his hips, forcing him in deeper.

“Shit! Arg- fuck! I can't- ah fuck!”

As if your bodies understood each other Robby finished inside, painting your walls. You clenched around him, taking him for everything he had while you let go yourself.

Slowly his grip released on the headboard and he laid closer to you.

It was quiet as you both watched each other come down. The idea of him moving, of him getting up and leaving had your body stilling. Had him knowing.

“ Don't-”

He shook his head. “I don't. Not yet. Not yet.”

His lips were wet as he kissed you slow. He didn't push for more, just dragged his lips slow.

Your fingers entwined against the bed, the cold band of your engagement ring cold against your flushed skin.

“I mean it, I love you,” he whispered. “I'll go to dinner, we'll get a bigger place. I'll marry you. Just don't... don't leave me.”

the night before was… a lot. robby had a particularly bad day at work, which prompted you to encourage him to take it out on you, per usual. it was hot and heavy rounds, which he was even surprised he could pull off.

you hadn’t done much the day before, but your sleep schedule was highly trained into the later hours of the evening and the later hours of the morning. who could blame you, though— summer.

not that you were a light sleeper, but something in you head rang an alarm for robby’s absence. your arm swung up and down the sheets, feeling the suddenly cold folds and wrinkles of cotton.

you remember falling asleep while rubbing your hand up and down the hair on his torso, from his chest to the swell of his belly. you were making some joke out of it, but it ended it up being really soothing. his hand over yours was the last thing you felt before the lights went out on you.

lifting your head, you peeked over your shoulder to see that the sun hadn’t even surfaced the windows yet. robby’s alarm clock had a bright red 5:53 shining at you.

“robby!” you groaned before stuffing your head back in the pillows.

“yeah, sweetheart?” you heard the sound of his electric toothbrush buzzing as he padded back into the bedroom from the en suite. he was undoubtedly scrubbing over his teeth harshly, like his life depended on it.

popping your head back up, you peeked at him again. he was blurry from a distance and still in his boxers. his hairy tummy spilling over and hair damp from the shower, he came slightly closer to the bed.

“too early.” you complained, gesturing for him to get back in.

“go back to bed then, honey.” he said before you groaned again, throwing the duvet over your head.

you didn’t realize that you had fallen back asleep. you were cocooned under the sheets, snug and comfortable. you didn’t want to move until you realized you were about to lose robby for twelve hours (likely more).

robby was sitting up in his scrubs at the edge of the bed, checking his phone, when you perked up. rubbing your eyes, his back facing you came into focus, as did the alarm clock. 6:20.

“morning, baby.” you sighed, reaching your arms out to him. your body lazily drooped over the mattress to meet his backside as your arms slung over his shoulders.

“morning, gorgeous.” he mumbled, leaning into you. his hand anchored onto your forearm. he had his glasses perched on his nose, turning his head over to attempt to see you. “i was thinking about waking you up to say goodbye, but ‘s early for you. go back to bed.”

you kissed the back of his neck with a tired whine, “uh, uh. want you.”

“got work, sweetheart.” he put his phone down as your arms grasped together.

you pulled your legs up to wrap around his waist. tiredly, you hoisted yourself onto his backside. you shifted around until you got comfortable, body practically crawling up his. you settled as you strapped to his back. resting your chin on his shoulder, you kissed him on the cheek.

“what’re your plans today, baby?” robby asked, looking at you as you squeezed your legs around him. he reached a hand to ruffle your hair.

“gonna go swimming at liv’s.” you mumbled, shutting your eyes. “uv’s eight today.”

“don’t forget sunscreen. i got the one you like… smells like bananas?” he said, brushing your hair out of your face. you peeked an eye at him as he spoke. “it’s in the hallway cabinet with the towels.”

“thank you, doctor.” you gave him a wide smile before leaning in for a kiss. his beard brushed your chin as you did so, and you could taste coffee on his mouth.

“doin’ anything else?” he asked, reaching his arm around you to pull you into his lap. his hand squeezed your waist as you maneuvered your legs over him.

you got comfortably on his lap, the small of your back fitting into his arms. your legs hung off his thigh and onto the bed. your side against his torso, his warmth radiated onto you and his hands found your skin.

slinging your arms around his neck, you looked up at him as you settled, “lunch and maybe some shopping.”

he grinned down at you as you adjusted his glasses up his face.

“well, of course.” he nodded, hand going to hold the side of your face. “you gonna send me pictures, baby?”

“of the pool or lunch or shopping?” you smiled

“i think you know the answer to that.” he chuckled, surfacing a hand over your thigh. “better see some charges on my card today.”

“you know me.” you yawned, resting your head in the nook of his neck

“you should get some rest. got a big day ahead, sweetheart.” he placed a kiss on your temple.