I'd Rather Be A Tree (or in space)

It's Another Beautiful Day of Not Being On Mount Everest. just how Every day of my life will be Another Beautiful Day of Not Being On Mount Everest, on account of how I am Never Ever Going There.

Man that weirdly pretty queercoded villain sure is tenderly cradling the brash hero's unconscious form huh. Gently tilting his head to drip medicine into his mouth. I mean yeah he is saying that this is only because we need to temporarily team up to defeat a word bad guy and the hero isn't allowed to die until they have their epic rematch but uh. Um.

Like. The hero's girlfriend is right there. She could definitely be the one gently cradling him and pouring the medicine down his throat.

I'm just saying this seems like a weird distribution of uh. Tasks.

We have to make the trek up to the King of Destruction's castle and hope the hero wakes up en route because it's going to take us a while to get there, and every minute we wait is another minute while the King of Destruction accumulates the power to destroy the world. Luckily I know how to make a stretcher.

We're not using the stretcher. The villain is just carrying the hero in his arms.

I tried to offer him the stretcher several times AND suggested he at least sling the hero over his back but he says he doesn't want to impede the medicine taking effect. Is bridal carry really necessary for that...?

The hero's girlfriend is staying behind. She says she'll pray for us. I get that she's not really a combatant so it kind of makes sense but... I mean. Just speaking for myself I'd uh. Want to keep one eye on things, y'know?

The hero's perverted drunken mentor asked me to keep an eye out for the villain's betrayal in a rare moment of sobriety, but he's also staying behind to help "protect the village". I'm pretty sure that if we fail the King of Destruction will just obliterate the place in an instant though?

Starting to think they just don't want to third wheel whatever this is...

So looks like it's just me, the villain, the villain's hench goblin, and the unconscious hero marching up to the onyx castle that has wyverns pouring out of it.

Worst road trip ever.

I volunteered to fight most of the wyverns. I said it was so the villain could conserve his strength for the fight against the King of Destruction, so now it's just me and the hench goblin walking up ahead, trying not to listen to all the flowery stuff the villain keeps saying to the unconscious hero.

So awkward. Never thought I'd end up sharing commiserating glances with a hench goblin.

This hench goblin's pretty tough. He likes my ration bars too. Kind of nice, normally the others are always just complaining about my rations and how they taste bad. Beggars can't be choosers on the road, though!

Actually this trip might not be so bad. Hench goblin's name is Toady, which seems kind of degrading but I don't know enough about goblin culture to say anything. He says he serves the villain because his people owe the guy a big debt for saving their village. I wouldn't have thought that guy was the type to save a village, but goblins do have it pretty rough these days. I can definitely believe a goblin village was in need of saving!

The hero doesn't like heading to those parts of the map though. Says there's nothing worth going there for. I don't think he understands how hard some of the greenfolk have it.

Toady asked what my "employment contract" was, and I told him that I travel with the hero because he's my friend. He asked if I got paid and when I said no, he said I should "look into a union"...?

Got a card for something called the Minion Labor Rights Commission I'm not sure what that is but Toady said he would explain it while we worked.

Learning a lot of interesting things on this trip!

We made it to the onyx castle where the King of Destruction is. The villain finally put down the hero and started fighting the King while Toady and I dealt with even more wyverns. We had to guard the hero until he woke up, but luckily he opened his eyes right when it seemed like the King of Destruction was gonna turn the villain into paste, and then he dramatically rushed in and deflected the energy blast. Now the hero and villain are fighting back-to-black. Not that I can see much of it, through all the swirling energy blasts and exploding wyverns!

Toady said we should retreat. I told him I couldn't just leave my friend to deal with all of that but then a stray blast from the hero's sword broke the ground underneath our feet. We got flung down the mountain but Toady used this magical shield item to keep us from dying. Whew!

There was no way we were going to be able to make it back up the mountain again after that, so I prepared Toady a last meal in case that was the end of things for us. When everything started shaking I was afraid it would be, Toady and I were literally clinging to each other, but then the King of Destruction collapsed into all these black motes and his castle crumbled. So I think we're good?

The hero and villain made it back. Well, actually the hero made it back, but Toady and I went and found the villain's collapsed form near the crumbled castle and brought him down as well. Finally used the stretcher!

Hero scolded me for setting up camp. Says I'm always thinking with my stomach. Normally I just laugh that stuff off but it bothered me more this time for some reason...

The villain's still unconscious. Toady and I are carrying him on the stretcher together, the hero wants to get back to his girlfriend and check on the village as soon as possible. I hope none of the wyverns made it that far down, but I'm pretty sure Toady and I got them all when were heading up!

Toady is taking the villain further on back to the goblin town, I offered to help him but he says he's going to contact some other goblins to do the work and it'd be against union rules otherwise. Hero wanted to lock the villain in prison, but I pointed out that he helped save the village, so it was probably better to just let them go.

Toady gave me a magic crystal. Said I could use it in an emergency to contact him. For some reason I don't want to tell the hero about this. I don't think he'd like it. So I'm keeping it to myself.

I gave Toady all the wyvern meat I was able to gather on our way up to the castle. It's all good, I preserved it in my specialty bags. The hero caught me but he just made a joke about wyvern meat constituting a type of biological warfare.

I think I'm going to reconsider some stuff. Maybe stop traveling with friends as much.

Wonder how I'm supposed to contact the number on this card...?

first day as a second century warlord i have my men tie branches to their horses’ tails to stir up dust and make it look like there’s a lot of us but i forget it just rained so there isn’t any dust and the enemy can clearly see there’s like twenty of us all spread out in a line

second day as a second century warlord i bribe a bunch of kids to start singing a nursery rhyme i carefully crafted to spread misinformation and further my strategic ends but they change the lyrics to be about poop and the enemy isn’t misdirected at all

third day as a second century warlord i lure my enemy into a narrow valley and send a team of archers to shoot them from the high ground but there was a feral hog napping on the trail up to the overlook and they couldn’t decide whether to try and shoot it or just go around and by the time the hog woke up and left on its own the enemy had already passed safely below

fourth day as a second century warlord we attempt to join a battle on the side of the guy we want to ally with but he and the guy he’s fighting have really similar names and it’s finally dusty and i misread the standards and attack the wrong guy. so now we’re stuck with this total loser of a liege lord, because how the fuck do you explain that after a battle?

fifth day as a second century warlord and some sort of wizard wanders into camp, my loser liege lord wants to execute him for being a wizard but i convince him to let the wizard stay, because i want to do more weather-based strategies and i’m pretty sure having a camp wizard can help with that. after the welcome to the team banquet the wizard steals half the treasury and my liege lord’s wife and leaves

sixth day as a second century warlord my loser liege lord sends me to reinforce a city he’s taken, but in the confusion of leaving i forgot to take the token that would have gotten us into the city, so my men have to wait outside the city walls for like eight hours while i ride back to get it

seventh day as a second century warlord and my loser liege lord finally joins me in the city, it turns out he’s actually a pretty cool guy, and he isn’t even that mad at me for letting the wizard steal his wife. i decide to shoot my shot but i’m really nervous and keep on stalling because what if i mess up our relationship and by extension jeopardize the security of my men, and eventually he just says goodnight and goes back to his room, where an assassin is in the process of setting up to kill him

eighth day as a second century warlord and my loser liege lord tells me to fake defect to his rival warlord, the one i originally wanted to ally with, to find out if he was the one who sent the assassin and why. but my whole way over to the rival warlord i’m worried that this has something to do with the wizard thing or how awkward i made it last night

ninth day as a second century warlord i try to tactfully ask my fake liege lord if he sent the assassin to kill my loser liege lord and it turns out the idea of using assassins never occurred to him, but now that i’ve suggested it he’s really into it. in order to save my loser liege lord i volunteer to be the one to kill him

tenth day as a second century warlord on my way back to my loser liege lord’s city i realize i won’t be able to collect my men from my fake liege lord until i bring back my loser liege lord’s head. this would have been a great thing to think of before i got myself in this situation. i go back to my loser liege lord and ask him to rescue my men, and he tells me that if he could sack my fake liege lord’s camp he already would have. that doesn’t change the fact that my men are still trapped. they’re prisoners, even. i go back to my room to sulk

eleventh day as a second century warlord i find a little caged pigeon in the rafters of my loser liege lord’s room and deduce it belonged to the assassin. without asking permission or telling my loser liege lord goodbye i let the pigeon loose and follow it north. don’t ask what i was doing in my loser liege lord’s room. it’s not important

twelfth day as a second century warlord i disguise myself as a wizard and enter the camp of the coalition leader the pigeon led me to. in the middle of my little sleight of hand performance i make eye contact with the coalition leader’s second-in-command. IT’S THE WIZARD THAT STOLE MY LOSER LIEGE LORD’S WIFE. after the banquet i corner the fake wizard and ask him what the fuck is going on and he just says “wouldn’t you like to know” and leaves. i don’t know what to say to that so i just let him go

thirteenth day as a second century warlord i’m honestly so sick of not knowing what’s going on, so i adjust my wizard costume to passably disguise myself as a woman and break into the women’s area of the camp, where sure enough my loser liege lord’s wife is. i ask her what she’s doing here and she tells me the fake wizard overheard her singing a poem she overheard on the street, not knowing it contains the coalition leader’s formation’s weaknesses. the fake wizard kidnapped her and assigned an assassin to kill her husband before they figured out the poem’s significance. she shares the first couplet with me but i’m discovered and thrown out before she can share any more. she doesn’t need to. through a bizarre coincidence of homophones, it’s the poop version of my misinformation nursery rhyme

fourteenth day as a second century warlord i go back to my loser liege lord and tell him everything, urging him to join with my fake liege lord to attack the coalition leader according to the weaknesses in the nursery rhyme. he tells me frankly that he doesn’t trust me anymore. i ask him to execute me if that’s really true, because i can’t bear to live if i can’t protect him and i can’t protect my men. he agrees to attack the coalition leader

fifteenth day as a second century warlord. due to the information in the nursery rhyme, and thanks to my loser liege lord reminding me of the weather conditions multiple times while planning our battle strategy, our alliance carries the day. my loser liege lord gets his wife back. my men tell me that our fake liege lord actually treated them really well and they’d like to stay with him if i don’t mind. i do mind, now that neither the men i love nor the man i love have any use for me, but i don’t tell them that

sixteenth day as a second century warlord i’m preparing to leave to i don’t know where, maybe to try to become a wizard for real, when my loser liege lord stops me and asks me where i’m going. he says he had hoped i would continue to work as his advisor. i was unaware i was his advisor in the first place. i agree, and he tells me he’s truly honored to have me in his service at last. he has known i am a rare and talented man with a strategic intelligence far above his ever since the day he witnessed me tying branches to my horses’ tails in six inches of mud, and could not for the life of him figure out why

Okay well, this is going VERY well, and we have a discord chat now. Here’s the link: https://discord.gg/NWSDsDMBMk

horror but make it healing

idk how to tell you that. like. gay historians exist and many of us actively research, write about, and engage with our own history, fragmented as it is. so all your hur-dur historians are homophobic because i think the iliad is historical record jokes not only...misunderstand an entire discipline but also undermine the contributions and existence of real-life gay people. funny how that works out, huh?

honestly my favorite thing about hardison is that he has no real tragic backstory, he's just like "i am very smart and therefore i should be allowed to do crime" and he's entirely correct

i love everyone reblogging this going "yeah! soft boy!" in the tags bc that's my other favorite thing about hardison (i have many) and that's that he's never particularly treated as morally grey bc he is constantly so kind and loving and good and also he enjoys some crime