For two and a half years I had the voice of someone else telling me it was okay. Telling me I was smart, telling me I was beautiful, and telling me how much I meant to the world around me.Ā
I donāt have that voice anymore. I am on my own now.Ā
This is not a bad thing. As my roommate says, some people are in your life for a season. Theyāre there to show you something, to share something with you, and when itās over - itās over. It doesnāt mean it wasnāt worth anything, it doesnāt mean it was a waste of time. It just means the purpose of that relationship has been expended, and itās time to move on to what comes next.Ā
I didnāt know how to take that for a while. I could see it objectively, I could understand it, imagine it. But sort of how I felt about alcoholism and addiction prior to getting sober, I didnāt see how it fit into my story. Iām starting to, though.Ā
Break-ups and being single are hard enough on their own. Toss in everything that we went through, and youāve got yourself the recipe for a messy recovery, and I think thatās why itās taken me so long to see it. I was angry. I was so angry with him. I was as angry as any woman would have been, but once the anger fades youāre just left with the pieces, and theyāre not going to move on their own. Iām starting to pick up my life. At first I just thought that meant dating - for if a lamp breaks, the obvious answer is to go out and buy a new lamp. Relationships arenāt furniture, though. Life isnāt so clear cut. You canāt shop for love on amazon. It walks in when it walks in, and it walks out when it walks out.Ā
Iāve spent so much of my adult life trying to fit new relationships into the spaces of old ones, and it doesnāt work that way. You have to start fresh, and rather than focusing on the reality of what is no longer alive, appreciate the experience it gave you. Memorialize it, donāt idolize it, and donāt try to replace it. There are only so many times in our lives when we get to experience what it truly means to love and be loved, and just because it doesnāt last forever doesnāt mean it wasnāt real, itās still precious. I wonāt tarnish you.Ā
So now Iām moving forward in a new direction. Rediscovering what this sober life is. Rediscovering sober Amy. In comes in small bursts. I like John Mayer, thereās a quality. I like yoga - thereās another one. I have a sponsee - I am helpful, and the list goes on. Each day I discover or rediscover another piece of myself and slowly the feeling of love and usefulness returns. The broken pieces shift and start to create a new picture. They donāt look so broken anymore. Suddenly something new emerges, and it makes sense why the storm came through. I donāt see it all now, and thatās painful. I hear a song and think of him, and remember that wonderful feeling, and thereās a sadness there. Itās okay to mourn the important parts of your life. I canāt sit in those moments though, I canāt wallow and wish for what will never return. I can appreciate it, though. I can appreciate the interests you introduced me to, for those experiences became a part of who I am today.Ā
Still I wonder. What is the rest, though? What comes next, though? What will these pieces reveal? And thereās the catch, perhaps the beauty of life. We donāt know. These broken pieces arenāt tea leaves. Iām not a psychic, no amount of burning sage or incense or spirit animal tarot cards will reveal what comes next. I just have to wait, and take it day by day, and try to find what I love. Try to find that light on my own, and when I do, sit in those moments. Hold onto them.Ā
The feeling a song gives me, buying a new pair of shoes, or reading a new book - these experiences and the little parts of me they reveal are what I have to hold onto. These small actions that lead to who I am inside will change the outside in time. I just have to wait, enjoy the ride, and find gratitude for this opportunity to start again.Ā