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if you're an artist of any craft always remember to sleep by putting all your weight on your hands and wrists, and don't forget to make the position as weird and awkward as possible to maximize the damage. sweet dreams

something they never told me about adulthood: mimic keys will attach themselves to your keychain in the hopes you use them and they can have sex with your keyholes

clicking not interested on something used to mean they stopped showing it to you

there are songs i hear and go “man there is no way anyone actually listens to this” and then you hear it on the radio 300 times a day and the album is nominated for a grammy and there are fans who spend every dollar they have on merch and concert tickets to sold out stadiums of people who all love that song. and you wonder if maybe you’re the one who’s wrong but then you hear it again and decide that nope, you’re right and everyone else has lost their minds

subtextjob from a girl with huge implications

stay vigilant. there are still people out there who will try to convince you that eating fruit is somehow bad for your body

I’m just an easy mark for dumb pilot humor. Today the captain was like “we’re now at altitude, feel free to move around, my one rule is you must stay inside the plane” and I lost it. It’s funny because you would die a horrible death akin to standing unencumbered on Pluto

Reblog to bully people who don't like female characters or women in general off the internet.

my family has had some pretty interesting encounters with psychics/mediums that seem genuine in the past, but nothing will ever be funnier to me than the last guy my mom talked to who was so definitely bullshitting, because she said "I was hoping to hear from my husband" and the guy went "he said....it's okay to Move On" and like. every single person my mom has recounted this too has been like "He Would Not Fucking Say That". as if this was an ooc fanfic about my father. it's just so fucking funny. fake psychic dude take your shitty headcanons about my ghost dad and LEAVE!!!

like, my parents were legitimately insane about each other. I cannot stress how much he wouldn't say that. I have to assume his ghost was standing right next to this fake psychic yelling "WHAT THE FUCK!!!!" when he told my mom to move on lmfao

actually. funnier to imagine he was a Real Psychic who was just trying to put a move on my mom and didn't think the ghost would do anything about it and now is now dealing with a violently angry haunting for the rest of his days lmfao

Psychic: I also choose this guy’s still-alive wife.