I am a guy who likes to take my time with things. I enjoy even the mundaneness of putting away groceries if I do it at my own pace, chatting with my wife.

But living with my MIL everything has to be done as. Fast. And. Efficiently. As. Possible. Because taking your time and enjoying doing anything (ESPECIALLY a chore ™ ) means you're childish and that's bad :'(

This was only reinforced a little later by the attitude in her voice when she declined one of my pokèmon bandaids, saying she would wait until the adult ones she had in the upcoming Walmart order came in. Gods forbid anyone has some harmless whimsy in their lives because it's not "adult" 🙄

This thought process infests so much of what we do in our day to day lives. It's suffocating.

Right now, the only way out of this hell I can see is getting a job and getting money for our own place. But it's all such a long slog. Even getting a job is proving to be a challenge, and then I have to save up. It feels like I'll never get there. It feels hopeless.

But maybe thinking about it like a story can help. I can even draw a comic?

I'm a traveller who's been separated from my party. I find myself trapped in a spiderweb in a cave, something like Shelob in LOTR.

I'm the healer/herbalist of the party so I don't have much in the way of weapons. I have some small degree of offensive magic capabilities, but my hands are bound by the spiderweb.

I'm going to have to struggle to get out. Every time I apply for a job, that's me flailing and struggling, trying to get free. Some of the fine threads of the web snap. It's not much, but it's progress. I just have to keep going.

If I get a job, I've managed to free a hand and I'm on the way to reaching the knife in my belt, which will make the task a little easier.

I'm not alone, though. My partner is with me. So she got trapped, too. She's also struggling. She's trying to get out.

She twisted her ankle and yelled and snapped at my wife for suggesting the hospital. And I would give her some leeway because she was in pain but I'm SO fucking worn down from having her shitty moods taken out on us Every. Single. Day.

I am so tired of us being the object of her anger. I'm so sick of the way I feel all the time. I'm sick of biting my tongue all the time and keeping it in. I'm sick of being angry.

I don't like the person I've become because she was hurt and I just... I don't care anymore. I was just mad.

I don't want to live here anymore. But there's no way I can escape for MONTHS at least.

I don't want to be dependent on weed but it's all I can do not to turn to worse coping mechanisms. If I still had a car I'd sleep in it.

I picked up and the person on the other end was like "Hello is this [birthname]?"

And I paused for a moment because:

1) I didn't know what exactly the truthful answer to that was. Because like...technically no? That's not my name anymore. But I guess I am the person they're trying to reach? I don't know.

2) I didn't know who this was and if it was wise to even be honest with my answer.

But when I make snap decisions I'm usually honest without really thinking. So I was like

".... Well I haven't gone by that name in over a decade but... technically yes. How can I help you?"

There was a brief silence... and then they hung up. Lol

I am miserable and depressed as fuck. I don't like what this has made me. I'm bitter and unhappy and really angry all the time. I get in these spirals where I just sit and spin in my head about how angry I am and revisit all the things she's done to piss me off.

I miss how kind and patient I used to be. I hope I can get that back when I escape.

It's so hard to hold on some days. I'm so tired of going to bed dreading waking up because I have to deal with her again. I don't want to go to sleep because then my time away from her ends.