just another screaming speck of dust

In hindsight, the trajectory of both their worlds shifted the moment they met, but in the actual moment and in their initial few encounters, neither of them ever thought the other would be someone they could have an actual connection with. There is a lot of friction, combativeness and and mistrust between them early on, and I think part of that comes from the fact that they both think they have the other figured out immediately, but they keep learning over and over that the other is more complex than they originally thought.

Shane disarms Ilya with his lack of guile and how he challenges him emotionally.

Ilya disarms Shane with how he treats him as a normal person without expectations and how he challenges him sexually and competitively.

I have no doubt that when Shane walked away from Ilya in the Saskatchewan parking lot, Ilya decided then and there he was gonna fuck him, and there was something about Shane that was intriguing to him, but he wasn’t in love. He wasn’t anticipating it would be anything more than a one-time hook up. It isn’t until the All Star game in Nashville that Shane, once again, surprises Ilya, and makes him come back for more. Shane’s ability to surprise Ilya continuously intrigues him.

I think the point is that once they realized they catastrophically in love they were, there was no way to trace it back to a specific moment. At first it was the little things here and there - Shane’s guilelessness as he shakes Ilya’s hand in that parking lot, their giggles during the CCM photoshoot, Shane folding his clothes, their teasing, their competitiveness, their ability to affect each other in ways literally nobody in either of their lives have ever managed to - until there was no reality that existed where they weren’t in love with each other.

It wasn’t love at first sight in the traditional sense. It was I love you so much now and you’ve impacted and altered the trajectory of my life so much that there is no longer a version of me that exists that doesn’t or didn’t love you.

because ilya spent the previous night having what he previously thought would be the most boring night he could imagine. he sat in front of a fire and looked at it all night! that is so boring!

and YET

getting to sit quietly in one place with shane for a whole evening is transformative for ilya. they spend a whole slow evening in each others' presence, softly talking and learning about each other, constantly gently touching in a non-sexual way for the first time ever maybe? and he liked it so much

he liked it SO much you guys

he is so clearly comfortable, pliant and soft that evening - even when he's having these hard truths wrenched out of his throat he is able to be soft about it. he actually likes talking to shane! he likes sharing parts of him he hasn't before! he likes the quiet mundanity of sitting in front of a fire with someone you care about and just breathing it in for a few hours!

like it's literally their "i would have really liked just doing laundry and taxes with you" moment! everything ilya thought would feel mundane (and would make shane realise he wouldn't want him any more) was thrilling and joyful