Ray o' moonshine

7 years ago in August, I started my MA/PhD program.

Now, my dissertation is about 55 pages from being complete. I'm fucking exhausted. I've been in higher education for 12 fucking years because I did 3 years for my BA with a gap year in there, 2 years for my MFA, 2 years for my MA, and 5 years for my PhD. That's one year of coursework, one year of comps, and 3 years of dissertation writing.

3 years to write a dissertation. I guess that's not too terrible in the grand scheme of things, especially considering I had an entire child in the middle of that.

These 7 years have been the most transformative years of my entire life. I think it took 9 years of grad school to undo the damage of 19 years of evangelicalism, so about half the time I spent in it. I became a gods-initiated witch, a mother, finished the first draft of a novel, came out as genderqueer and bisexual, and cut out my toxic family.

I learned that hating myself only helps those who seek to oppress me, and that daring to love myself and believe that I might be good and worthy, actually, is the only worthwhile pursuit of life. A shit life where you love yourself will be ten times better than a good one with self hatred.

I learned that people will treat you as poorly as you let them. Even good people who love you need the occasional boundary reminder.

I learned that even famous academics are just people whose moms give them shit just like everybody else.

I learned that you have to love the process, not the result. And you love the process by being present and asking yourself, is this the most pleasurable way I could be doing this task?

I learned that the fear of being abandoned is at the core of every decision I have ever made. I also re-learned that I survived abandonment multiple times, and I will survive it if it happens again.

I'm going to try more daily blogging for accountability.

“You Cannot Touch Her” Curse/Binding

This curse is particularly for people who have done harm in the past, and as such already known to be a potential threat. The idea is to keep the person from speaking to or approaching the one you’re trying to protect, and to make them feel watched and judged for their past actions.

You will need the following:

A jar big enough to hold a poppet

Some kind of poppet - I used a wooden one with the offender’s name written on the bottom. A photo could also be used

White out

A black candle

A mixture of black salt & cayenne pepper

A sigil of your own design meaning “You cannot touch [name or pronoun]”

A permanent marker

Light the candle and white out the mouth of your poppet. Roll the poppet in the mixture of black salt and cayenne pepper (black salt tends to stain so keep this in mind). Place it in the jar and seal the lid, leaving the poppet inside under the gaze of dozens of eyes. Write your sigil on the lid. During or after all of this, say the following aloud or think it to yourself (change pronouns accordingly):

You cannot touch her. You cannot speak to her. Think of her and bring this curse upon you. May your tongue catch in your throat if you dare to reach her. May you burn and ache if you come near. May you feel eyes upon your back each time you think her name. They’re watching. I’m watching. May you forever question the gaze of others - Do they know the things you’ve done? I do. I curse you. I bind you. You cannot touch her.

Humongous data breach just happened, with loads upon loads of sites being affected. Tumblr's among those. Also on the list is Wattpad for you fanfic people out there- among many, many other places.

There's a searchable list at the bottom of the article. Highly recommend scrolling or searching through, seeing what places you may be on that have been affected, and securing all your accounts. This thing's kind of big.

occasionally when discussing lunches and dinners and other such wonders i get the feeling when i say "Soup" i mean another persons definition of "Stew", and our communication is somewhat skewed. please tell me how you identify your wet meals