I'll Believe in Anything

like, i’m playing an addict. i’m going through withdrawal. my hand is shaking. my hand is shaking and i need it steady. ruining my physical and metal health in the longterm don’t matter rn, bc it’s my job to run into an impossible and impossibly violent situation and save as many people as i can, and if i can’t do that, what am i here for at all? more people are going to die unless i make this shot, and i can’t if my hand is shaking, and it’s not going to stop shaking until i get my drugs, and so the only reasonable choice to make is to take the drugs, and oh- that’s why he can’t quit! beyond all the difficulties and pain and emotional trauma of the withdrawal itself, there’s no way to keep doing this job (with an abnormally large case load according to kim) and to walk into life and death situations and not botch them, while under the strain of trying to quit. and, sure, because you won’t quit you’ll have breakdowns and go on benders and give yourself brain damage and crash your car, and they’ll dress you down and publicly humiliate you for it. but no matter how much they humiliate you, they’re also not going to give you proper medical care or lessen your case load or stop throwing you in life or death situations that require you keep using, so you can’t quit.