fuck i love my friends

hey here’s a fact for all of my followers who follow me.  butter, ice cream, milk, and cheese all come to us from the same animal.  i cant remember which animal it is right now but i know for sure its the same one

Ill give you a hint, it moos

thanks yeah it’s the moose

why is the long john silvers parking lot always empty but when you go in theres 30 old people. how

those arent people

Power move

If you ever think you have a bad habit of writing yourself into a corner, just remember: after retconning the Minions from being mad science creations from Gru’s lab to being immortal beings from the dawn of time who are driven to obey the world’s most evil monsters, the writers of the Despicable Me franchise were forced to come up with a reason why the Minions wouldn’t have served Hitler. Like, there’s an explicit plot point explaining this.

please tell me how they explain this

They spent 150 years in exile in the Arctic as self-imposed penance for accidentally shooting Napoleon with a cannon and consequently missed both World Wars.

i go absolutely ape shit buck wild when people ask me if i want to run errands with them like Let’s Fucking Go. and my mind absolutely maxes out of dopamine when they ask if i wanna stop for coffee. and if someone took me to the park id go bonkers in funcking yonkers

i got so high last night that i started ghostwriting for a golden retriever apparently

#this enrages me every time i see it for the simple fact that john mulaney would have been 15 when princess diana died #which begs the question #if he’s lying #does that mean he did it?

gay culture is silently tolerating your straight friends being attracted to the ugliest human beings you have ever seen in your goddamn life

The idea that Mike wazowski wouldn’t scare kids bc he’s like not traditionally scary is such bs??? like if I woke up and there was a fucking green shortass with one gigantic eye in my room staring at me I’d lose my shit Like there r grown ppl who get nervous when they hear a sound in the night and these monsters think kids won’t be scared by funsize cyclops shrek creepin in their closet get outta here cmon

when we were kids my brother used to be scared that the radiator would turn into a goat. he wasn’t afraid of goats, he was just afraid of the heater being one.

Just saying “I don’t watch TV” sounds pretentious, but there’s a big difference between “I don’t watch TV because I feel that the entertainment of the common masses is beneath me”, and “I don’t watch TV because I’m too busy marathoning YouTube videos of a guy 100% clearing Super Mario 64 without pressing the A button”.

‘cannibalize the rich’ is a legitimate political platform

where are my notes yall know im right

“You sat on flagpoles and stuffed yourself into phonebooths? Well no one cares you won WWII gramps”

I think there is a difference between a fade and near death stupidity.