Ink & Parchment

So, I have to tell you about this dream I had the other night, because OMG.

Basically, I had another one of my "Raven had pizza way too close to bedtime again and OD'd on lactose" induced dreams, of which are always bizarre and vivid. The dream was really oddly "animated". Think like, a really awesome blend of Young Justice and the Speed Racer movie (which was fuckng amazing and people are dumb for not thinking so. The way it was filmed and the effects were fantastic and a great way to make a live action movie feel animated. I loved it.), so obviously it was absolutely fabulous.

So, as usual in these dreams, I was being chased by assassins. Today's assassins, were played by Bob Barker (from The Price is Right) and David Hasslehoff (from Baywatch). Bob was wearing his usual suit with a thin little microphone glued to his hand, and David was in his Baywatch garb with his little floatie device and everything. 

As we were running, they were attacking me, as one would expect. Bob Barker's weapon of choice was to toss uncastrated cats at me. They would cling to my shoulders and cough hairballs on me before getting bored and jumping off, making room for a new cat. I kept yelling that I always get my pets spayed and neutered, but no sympathy was won. 

[For you youngin’s, Bob Barker always ended the Price is Right with the encouragement to spay or neuter your cats because he was sad at how many cats get euthanized because of over-population and castrating them curbs that]

David Hasslehoff was tossing tubes of Blue Lizard sunscreen at me. Some of the bottles would burst open and blind me with the lotion, the rest would increase the concussion. Other times, actual blue lizards were flung. They would sit on my shoulders or on top of my head and smack me in the face with their tails until the tails fell off and the lizards turned green and ran away. Yeah, I don't know either...

I was saved by Batman. Batman was played by both Adam West and Dwayne "The Rock" Johnson. Adam was in his usual suit and the Rock was wearing the BTAS era suit style. You know how in dreams, it can be like you are watching a movie? It was like that and every time that Batman was off screen for a half second, it would switch between Adam and the Rock, even mid-sentence. It was weird but hilarious. Of course, Batman needs his Robin. Tonight, the part of the Boy Wonder was played by Ryan Reynolds, in the old school costume with the booty short speedo and elf boots and everything. Yes, he did work them just as much as you expect, and yes, he and the Rock as the new Batman and Robin is the newest thing I never knew I wanted so desperately.

So, they put me into "protective custody", which basically means they took me to the Batcave and left me under the "watchful" eyes of the robot dinosaur and Michael Jackson (who was wearing an insanely awesome costume that was a combination of a Peter Pan outfit and his jacket from Beat It). Michael, was an awful bodyguard, spending his time moonwalking on the ceiling while the dinosaur gnawed on a giant bone, so obviously, I was kidnapped. I was brought to an amusement park and locked in a house of mirrors. While I never found out the "why", the "who" that put the hit out on me was Two-Face. Now, Two-Face's body wasn't built enough to be the one and not skinny enough to be the other, so I'm not sure who it belonged to, but the faces were played by Arnold Schwarzenegger and Neil Patrick Harris. (I have no idea who my brain hired as the casting agent for this dream, but I think they really went overboard)

At this point, things got fuzzy. There was a Scooby-Doo style chase through the amusement park to a mash up of Beck and The Beastie Boys. I'm pretty sure some other things happened. Somehow, I got rescued by the Flash, who was played by William Shatner, who immediately insisted I repay his heroism by marrying him. He used the same punctuated speaking style as he did in Star Trek and only spoke in puns. After rescuing me, he continued to badger me with marriage proposals... or is it marriage proPUNsals? Ha! I made a funny. Anyway, more things happen that I can't remember, but Shatner starts getting really really demandy with the proposals and I'm rescued from him by Aquaman. He pulls me into the ocean, that magically appeared in the center of a random lake, and because I'm not Atlantean or part fish, I drown, because Bill Gates (Aquaman) isn't nearly as smart in my dreams as he claims to be in real life.

Oh cool! That's an awesome feature!

Sebastian: Weight loss? Drink water

Sebastian: Clear skin? Drink water