random anecdote for father's day: one time during a long car ride my dad asked me, "you're familiar with Murphy's Law, right?" and i was like "isn't that the one about how anything that can go wrong will go wrong?" and he said "yeah, exactly" and i said "why do you ask?" and he went "well, have you heard of Cole's Law?" and i said "no, actually, what's that?" and he said "it's mostly lettuce and carrots with a little dressing mixed in"

are you ever about to put on a movie but you realize you don't really want to watch The Movie, you want to be eight years old on a rainy saturday, and under your favorite butterfly blanket, and mom made hot chocolate and popcorn with extra butter, and you're watching The Movie for the first time ever? what are you supposed to do then

LOL but seriously release the hounds

[jerking off motion] look who acted disharmoniously with the oneness of all things

“i wish i could go out braless but-“ “i wish i didn’t have to shave but-“ “i wish i didn’t have to wear makeup but-“ STAND UPPPP FUCKING STAND UP JUST DO WHAT YOU WANT. NOBODY IS GOING TO SHOOT YOU OR ARREST YOU FOR BEING A LITTLE “UGLY” UOU WILL LIVE AND REALIZE THAT YOUVE BEEN IN A prison largely of your own making THIS WHOLE TIME

Is the implication that they eat pizza and watch the missile strikes come in?

hi guys i was in jail but then the guards felt bald for me because i’m so handsome & special so they helped me escape. hope that’s ok

staying with my father and my teenage brother occasionally has been very enlightening actually i need to think about it positively

i must not take it personal. taking it personal is the mind killer. taking it personal is the little death that brings total oblivion. i will face taking it personal. i will permit it to pass over and through me. and when it has gone past i will turn the inner eye to see its path. when the taking it personal has gone there will be nothing. only i will remain

[staggering to my feet and wiping a single perfect drip of blood from my mouth] i have to get back on my bullshit. no matter the cost

:/

2015? that wasnt even that long ago. it was only... [doing the math] ohhh. ohhh..... oh dear...

I hate when a tiny stupid thing pushes you over the edge and makes you freak the fuck out because it makes you look like a completely irrational tar pit of a human being. Like no I promise this is warranted just maybe not about that specifically I swear I'm well adjusted. Come closer stick your fingers in my cage

found a rock in the kitchen and as I was about to throw it in the trash I thought "wait this is cruel I should let it outside" as if it was a living thing

I let it outside