You Dont Fuck With Muscle

I love the Jersey Devil episode of X-Files because Scully brings Mulder to this Antropology Professor in what is seemingly an attempt to dissuade Mulder of the existence of such a creature, but instead the professor is like "that sounds dope as hell" and joins their hunt.

One day there’s going to be a tumblr update so catastrophically bad that all of our accounts will disappear out of thin air like the Third Impact is happening

oh to be a small mouse in a pastoral children’s novel who lives in a hollowed out tree stump and does nothing but collect dewdrops and sweep their doorstep with a feather

and carve one strawberry into slices like it’s a ham

you get it

I miss working at the sex store people would really walk up to me and say shit like "I need help making my wife cum" and I'd be like yeah. I know just the thing brother

btw i found a lot of people who work private security literally fully think they’re cops. it’s really funny and sometimes disturbing

i bet the tootsie pop owl gave terrible head

im no boobologist but ill take a look

If George Washington was a kid today he’d have to tell his dad the truth about like, downloading Minecraft inflation art to his office PC instead of cutting down a cherry tree

if george washington was a kid today i’d pummel that fuddy duddy bitch to kingdom come

Rip light yagami I know ur oprah interview would've been insane

i think rob zombie was really speaking for all of us when he stressed how important it is to dig through the ditches and burn through the witches and slam in the back of one’s dragula