R A T

[ID: a newspaper advertisement column. in the 'wanted' section one job being offered is:

where in the HELL did that horse come from

at the spelling bee last night a child was sitting on his mom’s lap on stage (she was the contestant beside me in the front row) and i was wearing a chainmail shoulder accent and the four-year-old reached out to poke it so his mom silently grabbed his hand and he whispered “i like that thing” and I whispered back that he could touch it and so he started like tentatively touching the chainmail while i watched the other contestants spell their words and then suddenly he grabbed it in both hands and just shook me violently to hear the sound the chainmail made so his mom stopped him again and I was biting back laughter so hard i almost started crying on stage.

Me: “man, I hate that all my plant’s leaves have holes in them. What could be causing this?”

comorbid disorders are either like "yeah ok, makes sense" or "what the fuck"

I 100% expect us to discover a bizarre but in retrospect, blindingly obvious connection between these in my lifetime.