Ranting Jabber Mouth

How were things are, you have become resilient in some way. Be proud about it.

Good decision. Right call. This makes me believe to follow my gut feel than following the trend. I know my limit, and I have a goal. Let’s exceed those for now before stepping up into a new one. I can’t train myself while feeling bad of not being at par at people who are already good at what I am still perfecting. That I can admit. Admitting is first step, now mastering is the present, and exceeding would be my next.

Busy bee. I wasn't even able to track or remember specific things that I have completed today. I bit of a hassle but I missed being busy on great projects. It takes up too much space in my head. I think I can actually think more properly. I need more will power and get my act together.

Now this is a good step to let me think of things up. Riding through the wind, stearing my own two wheels, pedalling as hard as I can on hill-like roads, and keeping the faith that motorists won't yell at your stupidity in the road. Hah! I feel a bit better. It may not be that much, but it is better than nothing. Good game as well! I still pressured though. I really need to shake it out.

You that time when you just can't function very well? Its like I know that I need to do something but when I think of doing those things I realize all of a sudden its a lot. Then I get overwhelmed by it and then my will power to organize myself isn't working. Laziness, that's what it is, or maybe not. Though why am I feeling scared at the same time? I can't pin point this feeling again. Spiralling back.

I feel awful. Well, physically I'm down right sick. Ugh! Mentally, I think something is up again. Something is not quiet adding up. I keep on filling myself with food and without contentment, again. Not good. What's up? I don't know either. I have to stop or I have to discover why. I'm crossing all my fingers.

I'm gonna start my day right! Yeah, that's what I said, then all of a sudden, my body decided to brake down. I'm imagining it glaring at me and saying "Yow! You got not supper powers." Hah! Silly old me. I should've expected it will happen, sooner or later. They say abusing my body at a young age is not good and that I'll be in debt. It'll ask payment in a very near future. So far, I don't see the point. Maybe because I don't fear losing anything that much, even my own life. That means, all is well.

I still want to do my Sunday routine, well I did, the down side is that I didn't enjoyed it as I used to. I haven't recuperate from yesterday's activity. Plus the fact that I know some people wouldn't want me as their partner, so there goes having fun. I guess I just had to go through the day. Sweat it out and endure it, mentally and physically.

Three cheers and one hurrah! Is there something more extreme than being exhausted? I'm flat out tired. Though this day was worth it. But still, I'd hope that I had the balls to say no to the last activity. Why can't I say no? Ugh! Then regret will follow, then guilt to your friends, then blame to yourself. That cycle ain't good.

Excited and anxious. I can say that my strength to work properly has disappear and has runaway jumping around the wilderness. We need this, I need this. I guess its necessary to any relationship work or social to at least bond outside from their own everyday norm. Well, I'm just looking forward to it.

I think my brain is somewhere, definitely not with me right now. I don’t like getting these feelings. I don’t want to entertain it. This stuff is something that can start a chaos in nerves, again. But why I am also a bit happy about it? No! It can’t be. It shouldn’t be. I’ve said over and over, no more games. It’s either all or nothing. One thing that I only learned today is that I need to practice more to be at peace with myself.

I tried a new app. Its weird. I feel so old trying out new stuff that everyone has already used. Or either my soul is just drying out with all the weary drama of its surrounding. Then there’s these people that are really giving me mixed signals. I hate playing that kind of guessing game. Never been a fan of it ever since, especially being stagnant for almost 4 years now. So, yeah, not much of a fan of the game of tag, nope I’m not it. But yes, I’m an it. Hah!

Could someone knock my noogin head, like about five times? I keep on spiraling on this certain feeling and habit, and it ain’t enjoyable. I hate it when people just decides to check in with you, be playful and thoughtful, then just slowly fades away again. Then, I for one, won’t have the heart to be mad at them or to anyone. The worst part, is that I am only mad at myself. Good job to me!  -_-

Everyone is excited of the date. A once in every 4 year date, but I don’t see the difference. Its the same old Monday morning, Monday siesta, and Monday illness back to work. I don’t know what to feel sometimes with my daily routine to be honest. I love my work but I’m definitely tired. I guess I’m just stressing out of something that doesn’t need stressing. Pfft!

Gloomy day to begin with, and a gloomy evening to end with. The brighter side of it is that there wasn’t really a dreary feeling, just a dark murky surrounding. It is quite challenging to someone who has anxiety disorder and manic depression tendencies, but I have prevailed. All is well.

Who would have thought that I can get as high as a rooster trying to fly? Good day to reunite with childhood friends. Twas a good evening to end the day. It wasn’t that much. There isn’t much thrill. All laid back and chill. But it was a good kind of day to make me miss and realize that I love where I stand today.

You know those times that when you need something, it ain’t available. By the time that it is available, you’ve already found out an alternative and moved on with your life. Hah! Such irony in a day to day life can be.