randomdestielfangirl

A/N: please don’t sue me, o anime overlords, I’m not making any money off of this! I’m just a broke student! I don’t have any money!

A/N: I totally wrote this while high off 10 Red Bulls wheeeeeee!!!!!

remember when there’d be interactions with the author and the characters?

InuYasha: I don’t get why I have to be here for this

“…Have you told Cas?”

Dean is so tightly wound he’s going to fucking crumble under the strain; shoulders up to his ears, hands clenched so tight the skin of his knuckles is almost translucent—he turns away and shakes his head. Something fucked is happening to his heart: it’s beating a mile a minute, throwing itself against his ribcage like it’s trying to make a break for it, but all Dean feels is…. numb. Like everything but his body is far away.

Fuck no, he hasn’t told Cas.

Dean doesn’t know how he manages to walk to the work table at the far end of the room, but he’s there, staring down at the instructions he used to make his own coffin. He flips the page over for something to do. He can’t feel his fingers.

It’s true that Sam is the only one who could talk him out of doing this. He taught Sam how to drive—helped him with his homework, patched up his scraped knees, gave him girl advice… he changed his fucking diapers. If Sam begged him not to do this, Dean’d be tempted.

Cas wouldn’t even have to ask. Because Dean is, first and foremost, a coward and a selfish piece of shit, and he’s wanted Cas for so long that even looking at him would be fucking unbearable. And if just looking doesn’t do him in, well—Dean can handle Cas’s anger and upset, but he’s pretty sure the guy’s eventual resignation would break him. Because eventually, Cas would give in; he always does, when it comes to Dean. And then what? He has to watch the guy he loves lock him up a death box?

No fucking thank you.

Cas squints in that way he does as he looks up at Dean through his lashes across the library table. He tilts his head in question.

“What I said that night. Before you left…after Mom.”

And that’s all it takes for the wind to leave his sails. Deflated. The memory is still fresh in his mind, even after all this time. And despite Cas’s best efforts, yeah. It still stings. He lets his eyes fall to the names scratched into the mahogany of the table. He stares at them: at Jack’s name and his, at Sam and Dean’s initials.

At Mary’s.

Why does that something always seem to be you?

You’re dead to me.

He lets his index finger trace the letters of her name. Grief, guilt, and loss unfurls from behind his rib cage and grips around his heart like tentacles.

He’d said he was sorry. Cas knows he is. Logically, at least. He’d be lying if he said doubt didn’t sometimes reside quietly in the corners of his mind, in the chambers of his heart.

His forefinger is tracing the ‘W’ next to the ‘M’ when he tries to hold his stiff upper lip, tries to conceal the raging inner battle from Dean.

“Of course.”

And it’s the best Cas can do in that moment. He regrets it almost instantly, because it sounds like bullshit, even to him. So he tries to deflect, to end this conversation before it begins. He rises from his seat and takes both of their scotch glasses in hand.

“I’ll go get us some more,” he says, plastering his best attempt at a smile on his face as he starts heading for the kitchen. Dean’s footfalls are quickly behind him.

“Cas,” he calls out, and Cas tries his best to steel himself against the ache in his chest as he continues walking.

Being human sucks sometimes. He used to be able to flip on a proverbial robotic switch whenever he needed to avoid feeling, to avoid emotion, because angels were soldiers first and foremost. And because emotions were always the doorway to doubt, it was important to be able to turn them off in order to preserve the objective of the mission at hand.

Now though, after Jack pulled him out of the Empty, grace left behind, he’s finding it exceedingly more difficult to hide behind a mask. Especially now that his built-in armor is gone.

He feels everything so much more intensely now. And he hates it, particularly in moments like these. Because he doesn’t want to feel insecure, he doesn’t want Dean to feel guilty, he doesn’t want to rock the boat.

When he steps down into the kitchen, he notices how Dean’s footsteps don’t follow his over the threshold. He puts both glasses down on the counter as he reaches for the bottle of Macallan 12 in the cupboard. He unscrews the cap and begins pouring.

“Don’t do that.”

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Ask #1 ( @obava): there’s this fic…# 1

I’m looking for a fic where John has just died in a car crash, which sends Dean into a psychotic episode and into a mental hospital. Autistic!Castiel and paranoid schizophrenic!Dean are roommates. Mary is alive and Sam is at Stanford. Cas is an illustrator for children’s books and Dean is a mechanic. I think I was reading a google doc? I think it was unfinished? It was really good!!

Ask #2 ( @hipsterspidey ): there’s this fic…# 2

i’m looking for an old fic around 2015 or earlier and from what i remember, it was in sam’s pov i think and it was a high school au but they were still hunters. they go to a new school and dean meets cas and sam meets this new girl and it turns out the new girl is from a family of monsters but she wants to be different or something, and sam walks in on dean and cas making out. i read it on ao3 but i can’t find it anywhere!! help would be appreciated <3

Ask #3 (@runawaymarbles): there’s this fic…# 3

Do you guys remember the name of the fic in which the construction of Seattle’s 99 Tunnel woke up a creature because Big Bertha the drill sounded like drums?

Found by @grandfanslam:  Dark Water by xaandria (submitted rec)

Ask #4 (@estdevium): there’s this fic…# 4

on the off chance you guys might know what I’m looking for — its an a/b/o canon verse(ish) fic I’ve been trying to find for ages now. alpha sam & alpha cas with omega dean but deans the “head” of their little pack & is like, kinda violent about it? if you guys have no idea what I’m talking about its totally cool but figured I’d ask. thank you so much for your work over the years !!

Ask #5 ( @anupalya): there’s this fic…# 5

Lost fic: Castiel is a Victorian-era prostitute (he calls himself a Sally-Ann at one point and wears dresses) and Dean is his customer, also an incubus. Mpreg.Thank you!

Ask #6 (@randomdestielfangirl ): there’s this fic…# 6

I’m looking for a fic and I’m desperate`. I remember whole passages but googling is not helping, so I fear its been deleted. It involved Cas giving up his grace and Dean being mad at him. Cas gets a camera and it gets crushed during a hunt and he just breaks down and Dean holds him. It was so sweet! I think the summary was something like “Why don’t we have any pictures in the bunker Dean?”

Ask #7 (@the-diva-benedryl-cumperpatch): there’s this fic…# 7

Okay so I could have sworn the fic I was looking for was called “What’s a nap between friends?” but I can’t find anything! I read it a long time ago and am now trying to find it again, I think it was along the lines of one of them having a nightmare, so the other joins them in bed, but it leads to feelings being discovered, etc. Please help if you can!

Ask #8 ( @aetherology ): there’s this fic…# 8

ack idk if you guys still answer these or not but I’m desperate so — theres a fic it jumps between 1425 & 2013. castiel is the last sane angel dean is a knight for the kingdom known as a “slayer” lilith is empress or something. in 2013 sam is a dude named keith bobby is there & so is jess, dean is named greg? they’re all like scientists/phd candidates or something & cas is telling them this story. either way, thank you !!

Found by @ellis-park: Sleeper, Awake! by OverlordoftheBees (submitted rec)

fucking kill me, just toss my body in a river