Rambling Rachel

Just take a moment to think about the people on the side of opposition to social justice and civil rights. Think of all of the oppressors that were outraged by MLK’s fight for civil rights, equality and equity. Those that told him to wait for a better time in the nation’s history. Think about those that arrested him, threatened and aimed to harm him and his family, and those that physically attacked, stabbed and ultimately murdered him for his activism and beliefs. Think about those oppressors that made it about themselves, how it impacted their lives and their comfort with no regard for those they oppressed. Fast forward and think of all those that scoffed at Kaepernick, said he was an entitled millionaire that should stick to football, to put his money where his mouth was in his own community (not knowing he already was) and swore off him, the 49ers, and the NFL in outrage. Think of those that made it about the flag, or the military, or said “that kind” of protest wasn’t the “right kind” for them, and to wait for a better time in the nation’s history. Those that said his opinions on peaceful protest, social justice, and police reform weren’t good or valuable enough to them. Then think of the NBA players who were told to shut up and dribble, stay in their own lane, and wait for a better time in the nation’s history.

74 years ago. 57 years ago. Four years ago. And every year in between when black and brown men and women have died waiting for change. As MLK said in his Letter from a Birmingham Jail, our black and brown brothers and sisters “know through painful experience that freedom is never voluntarily given by the oppressor; it must be demanded by the oppressed...Justice too long delayed is justice denied.” The time of the oppressor is over.

How many more years must the oppressed wait? How many more deaths of black and brown sons, daughters, mothers, fathers, sisters, brothers, uncles, aunts, cousins, friends, neighbors and strangers will it take for it to matter to those opressors of civil rights and social justice? These men and women have given up their careers, their health, their bodies, their pay, their freedom and their lives to bring this tension that is alive in our nation out in the open to be seen, heard, and dealt with. HOW MANY MORE?

Like many of us, I watched Hamilton on July 4th, 2020 – our nation’s birthday. I met the day with mixed emotions as the spirit and character of our nation as of late did not seem appropriate to celebrate.

As I watched the story about many of the nation’s founding fathers and first leaders unfold, I was struck by the parts of their personal trials and tribulations that went beyond their contribution to the nation. Hamilton was the first politician to be involved in a sex scandal; Layfette – an immigrant, unafraid to step in and become America’s favorite fighting Frenchmen; Washington – a slave owner willing to admit “it probable that I may have committed many errors;” Jefferson – gained wealth profiting from the work of slaves, one of which he fathered six children with after making her his mistress. Burr – the untried murderer of Alexander Hamilton, whom he killed while still holding office as the third Vice President of the United States. In short, a hot mess of moral contradictions. I have been listening to the Hamilton soundtrack ever since my first viewing on July 4th, and realized a number of lines in various songs could be strung together to reflect my perception (key word: my) of the current political climate. Over the last week or so, I finally sat down to string all of those poignant lines together (with a few liberties for relevant context), a lyrical short story I have dubbed, The Election of 2020 (seen further down, further down). The beauty of democracy that is reborn during election seasons is our ability to get a fresh start, gain new perspectives, correct past wrongs, and continually better this land of the free for generations to come. I saw a quote recently that described voting as not so much like trying to find the perfect partner for marriage, but rather like using a bus for public transport. Voting is a map of bus routes that you must choose from in order to get from point A to point B. There may not be one specific bus that is going to your exact destination, but that doesn’t mean you stay at home and give up on travel entirely. Voting is not about waiting for “the one” candidate who is absolutely perfect. Instead, you choose to get on the bus that gets you closest to where you want to be. I know and love many republicans and democrats that have used the privilege of voting to get us all closer to where we want the nation to be. To me, where we are right now does not seem to fit under either traditional party umbrella – no, it’s much more like an umbrella that has been turned inside out and torn apart by a calculated hurricane of divisive and selfish endeavors. Perhaps more than ever before, this is the time to reassess our voting bus routes that will get us from point A to point B. Are we moving from indifference to tolerance? Hate to love? Despair to hope? Chaos to consistency? Negligence to protection? Moreover, before you get on your bus of choice, remember the route is designed to get the whole of our nation where we want it to be. Not just for me and not just for you. For all of US – as in, all of the United States. We will never all agree, I know this, but in spite of these disagreements, I am reminded of the hope that comes from the story of Hamilton. Even 244 years into this nation’s story, despite many dramatic peaks and valleys, the journey to our shared, happily ever after epilogue lives on. It lives on in me, in you, and in every vote cast to get us where we want to be. Regardless of how your vote is cast, the courage to reexamine your route and get on that bus… well, that would be enough.

The Election of 2020

“America, you great unfinished symphony A place where even orphan immigrants Can leave their fingerprints and rise up We’re running out of time Eyes up Time's up Wise up He's not the choice I would have gone with History will prove him wrong Winning was easy for him Governing's harder Welcome, folks, to a dysfunctional administration! He stands only for himself It's what he does I can't apologize because it's true Have it all, lose it all The President is gonna bring the nation to the brink He’s the villain in our history Frankly, it's a little disquieting that so many are blind to this reality He doesn’t have an ounce of regret He accumulates debt, he accumulates power Yet in our hour of need, he forgets Ardently abuses his post It's hard to listen to him with a straight face Watching the tension grow He cannot be left alone to his devices Indecisive, from crisis to crisis Stay alive 'til this horror show is past We're gonna fly a lot of flags half-mast Chaos and bloodshed already haunt us How many died because he was inexperienced and ruinous? We're too fragile to start another fight Where do we draw the line? Someone oughta remind him We're running a real nation Him and his words, obsessed with his own legacy His sentences border on senseless And he is paranoid in every paragraph How they perceive him Let future historians wonder How he tore so much apart And watched it all burn I wish I could say what was happening in his brain He's not very forthcoming on any particular stances Ask him a question: he glances off, he obfuscates, he dances I will not equivocate on my opinion I didn't say anything that wasn't true His father's a scoundrel, and so, it seems, is this dude He is uniquely situated by virtue of his position Though 'virtue' is not a word I’d apply to this situation He seeks financial gain, straying from his sacred mission And the evidence suggests he’s engaged in speculation Why does he assume he’s the smartest in the room? Soon that attitude will be his doom He knows nothing of loyalty Smells like new money, dresses like fake royalty Desperate to rise above his station Everything he does betrays the ideals of our nation See how he lies Look at his eyes Follow the scent of his enterprise If we don't stop him, we aid and abet it Watching him grabbin' at power and kissin' it Somebody has to stand up to his mouth What do we stall for?  If we stand for nothing, what'll we fall for?

Be careful with that one He will do what it takes to survive No one knows who he is or what he does His pride will be the death of us all God, we hope he’s satisfied This man has poisoned our political pursuits Destroyed our reputation I can almost see the headline, his “career” is done Ya best go run back where ya come from! This dude is out! You ever see somebody ruin their own life? History obliterates In every picture it paints It paints him and all of his mistakes It's him against us, the world will never be the same He better get ready for the moment of adrenaline Try not to crack under the stress When he finally faces his opponent They’ve fought on like seventy-five different fronts He smacks others in the press and doesn’t print retractions We're breaking down like fractions But when all is said and all is done I have beliefs, he has none Gotta get us out of the mess he’s got us in There’s a reason no one trusts him No one knows what he believes I get no satisfaction witnessing his fits of passion The way he primps and preens and dresses like the pits of fashion Our poorest citizens, our farmers, live ration to ration As Wall Street robs 'em blind in search of chips to cash in He’s askin' for someone to bring him to task While we were all watching, he got Washington in his pocket But the sun comes up And the world still spins I hear wailing in the streets There is suffering too terrible to name This is not a moment, it's a movement Are we a nation of states? What's the state of our nation? The issue on the table: We are engaged in a battle for our nation's very soul I’m past patiently waitin'. Let’s passionately smash every expectation For the first time, I’m thinkin' past tomorrow. We're gonna rise up - time to take a shot This nation better rise up Raise a glass to freedom Something they can never take away No matter what he tells us Look around at how lucky we are to be alive right now But we'll never be truly free Until those in bondage have the same rights as you and me Seek out injustice in the world and correct it Life doesn't discriminate Between the sinners And the saints It takes and it takes and it takes And we keep living anyway We laugh and we cry And we break But can l be real for a second? For just a millisecond? We gotta make an all-out stand Get him out of power So he holds no office We are a powder keg about to explode We gotta stop 'em and rob 'em of his advantages Let's take a stand with the stamina God has granted us We pick and choose our battles and places to take a stand We will fight for this land Summon all the courage that’s required Be a part of the narrative The story they will write someday How we emerged victorious Leaving the battlefield waving Betsy Ross' flag higher No one has more resilience Let’s move under cover and move as one We have one shot to live another day Don’t throw away this shot We will fight up close, seize the moment and stay in it And so the American experiment begins again We bleed and fight for the next generation We'll make it right for them If we lay a strong enough foundation We'll pass it on to them, we'll give the world to them For a strong central democracy We may never all agree, but There's only one man and woman Who can give us a command so we can rise up Throwing verbal rocks at his mediocrities What do you stall for? What was it all for? We studied and we fought For the notion of a nation we now get to rebuild Life, liberty and the pursuit of happiness We fought for these ideals; we shouldn't settle for less I don't pretend to know All the challenges we’re facing But this once, take a stand with pride This is not the time to stand to the side Stand with us in the land of the free To get the people that we need to lead We need the votes We need bold strokes When there’s skin in the game, stay in the game We don't get a win unless we play in the game We may get love for it We may get hate for it We get nothing if we wait for it I wanna build something that's gonna outlive me I dream of a brand new start I want real leaders that can save the day We won't be invisible We won't be denied If we get this right The nation can start to move on It outlives us when we’re gone We are the one thing in life we can control We are inimitable, true originals We can’t stand still Or lie in wait We don't wanna fight, but We won't apologize for doing what's right Together we can turn the tide If we manage to get this right They'll surrender by early light We have no control Who lives, who dies, who tells our story But I know that we can win I know that greatness lies within us But remember from here on in History has its eyes on me and History has its eyes on you”

This weekend, seeing the division and general indifference towards injustice in my own personal world, not to mention the country as a whole, was disheartening.

I tend to shy away from publicly discussing "the big issues" because we're all entitled to our own opinions or values, and quite frankly, a lot of people don't know how to discuss differences in a peaceful, constructive way. Nonetheless, there are pivotal issues in our lives where we need to raise our voice, especially when it's about the marginalized or oppressed. Of all of the commentary, reports, tweets, and posts this weekend, one stuck with me in particular. It said:

"If you cared about a knee in Freddie Gray's back as much as you cared about a knee on the ground, this would be over."

If you don't know who Freddie Gray is, please google his name. Read the court transcripts. Read his autopsy. Then, after you've done that, read what the outcomes were for those that sealed his fate. He is not the only one, either. There's a horribly long list of other black men and women who faced similar fates.

When you're fired up about Colin Kaepernick and other black athletes kneeling, I want you to remember how Freddie's spinal chord was described as a bag of rocks postmortem. An American man - someone's son, significant other, friend - over an ALLEGED switchblade. Colin's goal in kneeling is to bring awareness, on his national stage, to police brutality against black men in this country to kickstart a dialogue with his influence. The kneeling is about the injustice towards Freddie - or Michael Brown, Alton Sterling, Philando Castile, Eric Garner, and Tamir Rice, to name a few. Take your pick.

The kneeling is not about your perceived disrespect to our country or to those that served our country. Did you know that of all the official listed ways that one can disrespect the American flag (United States Code, Title 36, Chapter 10, Part 176: Respect For Flag), kneeling is not one of them? Actually, you should have been more upset that some of the flags that covered entire football fields this weekend were held horizontally, an official listed item of disrespect according to United States Code.

Colin and other athletes exercised their freedom that is afforded to them as Americans to peacefully protest against injustice. In fact, I was encouraged this weekend by the number of veterans who spoke up to defend that these athletes peaceful protests are actually the very freedom they fought to defend and secure for all Americans through their service. When Martin Luther King Jr. kneeled in peaceful protest, people called him a rabble-rouser. They put him in jail. Now, 54 years later, we praise him for his forward thinking and advocacy for black Americans. Key word there: Americans. Even back then, white people - including the church - stayed too quiet for any significant progress to occur for black Americans.

Now, we're here in 2017 (2 0 1 7 !!!!) making the same mistakes of burying the real issue in our privilege or deflecting because we don't want to admit that we might be part of the problem. I, for one, will not make the mistake of not raising my voice. My voice will be raised for my black friends, my black neighbors, my black colleagues, my black students, even black people I haven't met yet... but mainly, I raise my voice for my two sweet, innocent 3-year-old godsons who will grow up as black boys/men in this country. I want more for them and their ability to feel safe. No, scratch that, I need more for them. You should too. They are the future and deserve a better one than where we are right now.

So. Get outside of your world, and get into the world of the black people in your life to support them. If you don't have any black people in your life, you need to go outside your comfort zone and meet some, get to know them and their experiences, and join alongside them to advocate for justice in all things. They're very tired of fighting this alone and none of us can begin to tackle this unless we have a dialogue and truly come together.

A week from now, it will have been 365 days since I wrote anything original here. There are good and poor excuses for that, but in retrospect maybe that's for the better; time tends to be a great equalizer and an even more brutal therapist.

I re-read my 29th Lament post recently and in a lot of ways, it gutted me. It gutted me to think back to that deep sadness and how woefully unprepared I was for the monumental occasion of turning 30. It gutted me to realize how depressed I was and how completely oblivious I was to my own tells. Even more so, I'm gutted by the time I lost leading up to turning 30 that I can't get back to do the work to change myself and my perspective. 

The last couple years of my 20's, and the first few months of being 30, I truly did feel like I was in mourning - mourning the circumstances of life that everyone else seemed to be experiencing and dealing with the reality that the dreams I've had may only ever just be dreams. I remember reading a blog post last year of one of my peers who was turning 30 before me and how enraged I felt that she had the nerve to say she felt like she was coming into her own heading into 30. "Of course you do," I thought, "you have a loving husband, a new baby, well behaved pets and a house on half an acre in the suburbs!" I rolled my eyes in hatred at the audacity of her thinking that her sense of fulfillment in life wasn't a direct result of her rosy circumstances. She was loved, wanted, and needed - who wouldn't want that? I DESPERATELY wanted that to be my reality. While my reaction to this peer's post was largely based in envy, I gained a more clear little nugget of perspective much later. That nugget was this - it's easy to be happy when everything is coming up roses, but what do you make of those seasons when you're lost in the valley of endless weeds?

The first six months of being 30 was quite the valley - perhaps the second biggest of my life. I didn't know who I was or what direction to go in life, nor was I mentally strong enough to even figure out how to work towards those things. I was numb, angry, sad - all the depressing adjectives you can think of right now. That was me. And I hated it, but I was stuck so deep. 

I mentioned a desire to feel wanted, needed and loved. Largely,I think I was hyper focused on that from a romantic relational perspective because I felt like the only uncoupled person I knew; however, the first six months of being 30 taught me how wrong that focus was for me. Between April and October of 2016, I have never been more needed IN. MY. LIFE. My mom needed my complete support with an unexpected cancer diagnosis and treatment. My sister needed me to help more with my mom because she was 8 months pregnant with her third child and we were down one sibling to share the responsibilities as my brother had recently moved to Florida. My sister needed my help with her kids when she was in the hospital delivering my youngest nephew. My mom needed me when she got in a bad car accident on the same day my newest nephew was born. My brother needed me to manage all the above crazy here at home because he didn't live here anymore. It seemed as if every friend I had was going through something - good or bad - and needed a shoulder to lean on or help in some way. My school needed me when two co-workers left unexpectedly and I was the only person who knew those super crucial jobs well (in addition to my own job) and could keep things running. I had students who needed an extra supportive hand at school that bonded with me. Suddenly I was everyone's go to person and I was trying to be everything to everyone.

While it's true that I thrive under this kind of chaos and it was so nice to be needed, one day I finally cracked. I broke down crying to one of my best friend's about how much I had on my plate, the pressure I was putting on myself, and how tired, stressed, and anxious I was about everything. My friend asked me, "What are you doing for you?" I sat there with ugly mascara tears rolling down myself for a full, still and silent moment. I told her nothing - I wasn't doing anything to help myself deal with any of the above. She told me to start there and to figure out what Rachel needed and wanted right then and for my future. 

This may seem crazy, but I was completely thrown off by this advice - that I needed to try and know myself and prioritize me. I don't say this for you to think I'm an unselfish saint - please, we're all selfish on some level - but it was the first time in my adult life I remember someone telling me to quit trying to look for someone or something to focus on or fix when I couldn't even do that for myself. What a wake up call.

So I dug deep. Did the hard stuff that is never comfortable or easy. Another cycle of therapy and medication when I had so convinced myself I was past that period of my life (PSA: there is no shame in needing either of those things to be the best version of yourself). Addressing insecurities and fears, having accountability partners, and working on myself mentally and physically. It was - no, still is - an uphill battle from the pit of that valley. The work is not done in the slightest, but it's been six months since I cracked into that initial mess of tears (there's certainly been some since) and I have never felt more settled within myself and the life I'm building. Those months of chaos kept me so focused on both helping "my people" and improving myself that there was no time to get caught in the trap of comparing my life to my peers. My every day life was/is full of ALL THE THINGS. There's no sense of feeling like I'm lacking anything within myself - a sense of peace I don't think I've EVER had - EVER. 

A year ago, if you had asked me if I would be okay with the rest of my life looking like how it was then, I would have been inconsolably devastated. Now, I would be far less devastated - probably even completely okay. Sure, there are still dreams I hope to achieve, but now I am not letting this time in my life be wasted on just wanting and not doing. I am pursuing aspects of my job that give me an even bigger sense of purpose and passion for helping my students. If my students are the only "kids" I get to have in this life, I am going to enjoy mothering them so much that they may even roll their eyes at me like I'm their real mother. I am going to use my experiences and my talents to leverage a greater purpose where I can. I am taking care of the whole me - mentally, physically, and spiritually - on my terms with no apologies or thoughts to what others may think or compare me up against. There are many more important people and tasks in this life for me to focus my energy on right now than the internal dialogue I was replaying in my head a year ago and much of my 20's. I made the most of this dark valley in my life and am not going to quit climbing. Sure, this post may seem like it's my medication talking (and that plays it's part, I assure you - again, no shame in that thankyouverymuch), but I've seen a significant change in myself and so have the people around me. They say I'm a bit more bossy and confident, and I am, but I kind of love that and won't apologize for it. Not to mention, I laugh more and just feel genuinely happy. I know more of who I am and what I want for my life than I ever have before and it's a surprisingly freeing feeling.

30. 

Much like Jenna Rink (13 Going On 30), I envisioned sliding into 30 in full on thriving mode (definitely not flirty). Now I am mere days away from the finish line of 29 years and I feel anything but ready. I will wake up on Saturday morning without a choice - 30 will be here - and I know it will feel like a smack in the face. 

As a kid - well, even as little as 5 years ago - I imagined big plans and dreams being met by the time 30 rolled around. For whatever reason, a lot of those things didn't pan out how I expected or didn't happen at all. And that's tough. I read once (looking at you, Mandy Hale!) that those years when you're single can feel like a game of musical chairs - opportunities dwindle as you search for your place, and everyone seems to get a spot when you're just standing there with no music trying to grasp why you didn't get there fast enough or why someone else got what you so desperately wanted. 

That's how my 20's have felt to me. I have struggled through every day of the last decade. Questioning every decision I make, wondering why everyone else makes it look so easy to get the dreams I've wanted, standing beside my friends and family as they achieve their dreams; dreams that are sometimes the dreams I've wanted with every fiber of my being. I like to think (okay, and I've been told) that I'm a pretty good friend. I celebrate my friends' dreams, even help make them happen sometimes, and I hope and pray that every one of my friends has felt nothing but that from me because that's what a REAL friend does. You show up and celebrate even when it's hard for you. But man, sometimes it's hard. Sometimes I cry when I'm in that comparison trap of my life versus theirs. Sometimes I'm so angry that my life doesn't look like what I thought it would right now. 

Before you jump in with your commentary, believe me, I know that being married or having babies doesn't make one's life better. I have enough family and friends with both milestones under their belt to know that is not true. Honestly, in a lot of ways, I'd be trading one set of challenges for different ones (or maybe even more). In short, I get that those things are not fixes, but they were dreams. I dreamed of going through that phase of life when everyone in my friend group was getting married at the same time. I dreamed of having at least one baby at a semi-close time to my sister. I dreamed about being a mom and finally feeling like I was doing something I was meant to do and was just naturally good at it (if you don't know me, babies and kids are my thing, y'all. In some circles, people actually refer to me as the Baby Whisperer. True story.). 

Sadly, those dreams haven't happened yet, and they might not. And that's why I'm sad to be 30. Not because I'm throwing in the towel as if my life is over on Saturday. I'm sad because I'm mourning some dreams and life experiences I thought I'd have by now. Maybe they'll happen a couple years from now, but I don't know that and you don't either. I *know* you mean well when you try to brush off my "it just might not happen for me" and counter it with words to build me up; but you're not hearing my feelings. You're brushing them off like my feelings aren't valid or understood. There's a time and place for me wanting to be picked up, dusted off and given a pep talk. There's also a time for you to just LISTEN, ACKNOWLEDGE, and say, "I'm really sorry you're going through this difficult time," and JUST BE THERE. I know that's hard. We live in a society that's quick fixes and little eye contact and just focusing on the good. But that is soooo not life. 

We also live in a society that likes to tell us what life should look like by now. If we were playing the actual Game of Life right now (as in the board game), I'd have a degree, a killer job, a spouse, a set of twins, a ton of savings and be well on my way to Millionaire Estates or Countryside Acres. Don't I wish! Honestly though, I fall into the trap of how society makes me feel about my circumstances. I see movies, read books and magazines, and even see it in the timetable of my friends lives about how life happens for the majority. As if I don't feel enough internal insecurities and hurt about it, the world slaps me with that harsh reality too. Two weeks ago, my mom and I went shopping to find me a dress for my birthday - just something new to make me feel special. I actually found something, which in-itself is a miracle, and finally felt like I had a little something to cheer me up. I went to the check out with a smile on my face (also a miracle). The clerk asked me what occasion the dress was for and I said my birthday. Without pausing or batting an eye, the clerk said, "Oh fun, is your husband throwing you a party?" 

Good feelings gone. I was a balloon and her comment was a big fat needle and she just popped the joy right out of me. I smiled and tried to play the confident single woman that I tell myself I am each morning, dismissing the notion of a husband and saying it was just for me to celebrate me. Then I went home and cried. And can STILL cry about when replaying that scene over in my head. Why? Why do we ask or say dumb things when we don't know the battles another person is facing? WHY? (I'm screaming that why, in case your weren't sure.) PLEASE DON'T BE THAT PERSON. 

BUT (and Lord, I sure hope there continues to be a but), there is good in my life to focus on. I am healthy-ish. I have a wonderful family that cheers me on, but listens and let's me cry. I have friends that continue to show up to make me feel included and special and just plain loved. I work with great people - co-workers that have become friends, students, and families - and for once in my life, I feel like I'm good and confident in what I'm doing work wise. I have my very own house that reflects my personality, a mostly working vehicle, and no student loans or credit card debt. So clearly, it ain't all bad; it's just different. 

I've always been a little different, a late bloomer on a lot of fronts if you will, so maybe that's just all this is right now. Maybe my dreams will happen or they'll change and it won't hurt so much in a few years. I don't know. That's the funny thing about life and faith, you put your best foot forward and you just see where each step takes you. Mind you, I'm kinda horribly impatient and a bit of a control freak, so that's hard, but I'm still walking. And even when I wake up on Saturday and feel like moving forward is the last thing I want to do, I'll go. No guarantees and still a little sad and mournful, but that's okay. 

I don't want anything more for my birthday than to just be me and feel okay. And I hope you and whoever else I encounter in turn takes me - with my feelings, my hurts, my insecurities, my thoughts, my experiences, my dreams - and just lets me be me.