Thank you to all survivors for sharing their Me Too stories. I see you. I celebrate you. I will continue to walk with you and stand behind you on this. Iâm calling this a âMenâs Me Tooâ #mensmetoo because I want reciprocate by owning the ways in which I have contributed to the cycle of violence that women receive the lionâs share of in our world. My wish is for other men, specifically cis-men, to do the same*. Itâs an opportunity to be brave, build awareness, and to prove that another world is possible. *Trigger warning: sexual assault themes and verbal abuse When I was 16, I was almost successful at pushing my girlfriend into having sex she didnât want. She didnât say ânoâ but I could feel it from her body â as any jackass with half a brain can in these situations. When I finally got a hold of myself and stopped. right before the act. She cried. I went silent. We parted ways without saying much more. Iâve never thrown a punch at another human, but in my 20âs I used a raised voice to ventilate pure rage towards partners with fair regularity. Whiskey and cocaine were always involved, but thatâs no excuse. These substances only opened the door to a deep anger and hurt that were already there and had nothing to do with my partners â except for the fact that I, a lifelong pacifist, subconsciously sensed that I would face no retaliation from my partners given how intimidating I knew I could be. On one occasion the cops were called and my roommate was randomly assaulted by the officers in our home when they arrived. Though to a much, much lesser degree, angry outbursts played a role in my last serious relationship. These are things I canât and wonât forgive myself for. Not yet at least. Remorse is a powerful thing that has helped me to right wrongs and grow (remorse being very different than guilt). So hereâs where Iâm at and what I understand today, if you are so inclined to keep reading. I am open to feedback: Iâm still in therapy after so so many years of spiritual practice and tirelessly working on myself in so many ways. I am actually quite hesitant to enter a relationship now until I know I have excised this completely. The deep coal of anger that I have in the past unleashed in partnered situations has a root: trauma. Part of that root is my experiences growing up as an âeffeminateâ male in a conservative community - and all the ridicule, humiliation, and physical assault that came with it, including at the hands of my own father. Unearthing and healing that root is incredibly difficult and tedious because the atmosphere of subtle and not so subtle violence I grew up in was the very air that I breathed in the most tender years of my life. Unconsciously, I have spent most of my life caught in a cycle of violence that is not only perpetuated in our society, but is embraced and promoted. I believe this to be true for every single one of us. This is mostly for my fellow men: Every male is shamed and hurt in some way for not being able to perform dominance in the way that weâre supposed to. No matter what, at some point we donât measure up. Every male lives in a secret fear of being outed as inadequate in some way. Itâs a game we learn to play, to perform, when weâre so young, and the only way to play correctly is to shut down empathy and emotion. Yet, emotions that are shut down donât die. Those emotions, rather, look for a safe place to be expressed. And when someone is vulnerable to you, that is a technically safe place. This is the basic cycle. The tip of the iceberg, really. This is no way to live. Itâs important for me to clarify that I share about being on the receiving end of gendered abuse not to compare and not to say âhey, men suffer, too.â While it is true (and unspeakably disgusting) that men are assaulted physically and sexually in our society at growing rates, an important variable remains true in our situation â we are granted the privileges and power that come with living in male bodies (especially white male bodies), and such are scientifically confirmed to mitigate the effects of trauma and bolster resilience. A man who is sexually assaulted, for example, will not have to suffer the pain of that while being catcalled on the street multiple times a day and then hear their own president condone this and worse violent acts. That will never happen. Issues around race, able bodiedness, sexual preference, gender identity, and so on do complicate this basic point. I suppose I am assume I am writing to predominantly white men and white-passing men here. I own that this is myopic in nature. While I am terrified of posting this right now, I know that I know that I know what I am admitting to is nearly universal for men. I challenge more men to come out and own their shit, too. Because honesty, awareness, and courage are the seeds of change. *N.B. I donât identify within the gender spectrum at all, but as I am male-bodied I will own the pronoun âmanâ here for the sake of shorthand.
