#jaima

April 13th, 2013 is my sobriety date. I have nearly four years clean and sober. The program of Alcoholics Anonymous teaches me to overcome my fears and embrace gratitude, among many other wonderful ideals. I never thought it was possible to live in gratitude. I always felt weighed down by barriers. I thought God screwed me over right from the start. I drank so I didn’t have to feel, and I drank so that I could feel better all at the same time. But drinking increased my feelings of isolation, desperation, and fear. Alcoholism is a progressive, deadly disease, and it hooked me with the obsession and allergy (once I start, I cannot stop.) 

My mom died April 8th, 2015. My best friend left my life July 25th, 2016. Other family and friends died. I moved three times between September 2016 & March of this year. I could’ve allowed those things to weigh me down, and keep me from finding the joy in my life. I could’ve allowed my other fears to keep me down and out. 

Instead, I allowed the rooms of A.A.’s voices fill my head, my heart, and my spirit, and I put to action everything that I’ve been taught. I employed prayer and a relationship with my Higher Power. I called newcomers, and I checked on friends who were suffering. I became involved in service work, and when all else failed- I read our literature for help. I practiced gratitude daily, because whether or not I liked my circumstances (which most of the time I didn’t) I still knew that I was luckier than most. So I thanked my Higher Power daily for the roof over my head, the food in my stomach, the safe and warm walls surrounding my kitty and I. I thanked God for my friends, my own changing perspective, and the tools It used to help me become the woman I am today.

Back in January I met with my friend Jaima for coffee/tea. We were just catching up after a long break wherein we were both caught up in life. She told me that she was selling her car. Instantly, a lifelong fear of mine vanished. I wanted to buy her vehicle! We got giddy at the prospect, and then after I went back home, the reality of life settled over me. I was living in a situation that had too many variables for me to buy a car. So, whenever Jaima would ask me when I could buy it, I would tell her to sell it if she had an offer. Two months later I moved out of an unstable situation, into a place I didn’t necessarily want to go. But here I was with a few different opportunities...

a. I could become upset about my situation and dramatize my lack of opportunity, become depressed, and hate everyone. 

b. I could appreciate the gifts given during that move, and look for the opportunities ahead.

c. I could appreciate the gifts given, but still feel upset enough that I continued to allow my situation to be as it was. 

None of the above options is a bad option, it just meant I would limit myself if I chose either a or c. I’ve done those things before, and I paid the consequences. I paid them over and over so much it became a pattern. I felt family and friends get exasperated with me. I thought less and less of myself each time. But I say it’s not a bad thing, because I understand why people choose to live in those situations today, and I would hate for anyone to feel bad if they thought either a or c were good options. This time around I picked Option B. 

I appreciate the unconditional love provided, the helping hand, the willingness to help me work on my goals. I also studied the driver’s license manual, found out about apps on my phone for practice tests, and had a 97% success rate on those tests before going in for my permit test. I didn’t even answer all the questions before it declared that I’d passed the test! The next day, I got my car loan, the car insured, and drove home!

Each day driving’s provided new challenges. The first day was just scary driving home. The second I drove out of town and into another city, faced roundabouts and braved the two-way highway. The third day I faced snowy weather and driving with a cop next to me... I wasn’t doing anything wrong, but I’m still new and shaky enough that I was afraid the cop would pull me over and tell me I was doing something wrong LOL 

Today... today was my fourth day driving. I woke up this morning with an attitude that “practice makes perfect!” I forced myself behind the wheel, and for the most part, I did great! There were a few minor boo-boos but I am gaining in confidence. I like driving! I can see myself sailing along with no problem in the near distant future. 

And I have my Higher Power and the program of Alcoholics Anonymous to thank for it! It used to be that I thought, “Really?! Come on! You’re the one who put in the work, and your friends/family helped you get there!” Now... I’m capable of seeing that without sobriety, I couldn’t have overcome these fears. And the only reason I’ve stayed sober, is because I’ve listened to the people in the program who came before me, especially when I hated what they had to say. I’ve come to admit that I don’t know everything. I’ve come to accept help when I don’t really want the help provided. I’ve come to that through gratitude, which is a gift the program gives when you work the steps with a sponsor who has a sponsor.

It hasn’t been easy. I have discipline and authority issues. Sometimes it’s impossible for me to follow directions, because I don’t understand them. But my sponsor will send me home with fresh directions if I didn’t understand something the first time, and I’ve learned that means twice the work. So now I ask for clarity until I fully understand what I’m being asked to do. Sometimes I’m afraid to do what I’m told, and that’s where trust comes in. My sponsor’s never lead me astray. I had a situation last year wherein I listened to her, and I lost my best friend. When I did the work on my feelings about the situation, before my sponsor’s input, I saw on my own that it was for the best. 

No best friend of mine would have treated me the way that I was treated. That woman did me a favor by walking out of my life. Life is so much more peaceful today, and I live in harmony with the majority of the people in my life now. I have more room for gratitude, opportunity, and love. So, no, my sponsor’s never lead me wrong. I still follow her advice, and every time I do, I trust her more and I live better. 

Another fear of mine’s money. Financial insecurity. Social security is a horrible paycheck to have to live on. So buying a car was an extremely big decision to make. But there’s this wonderful program called Microsoft Excel. If you have bills, youtube how to use this program. It will change everything for you! I have an issue with impulse control shopping, and I was able to pencil it into my budget through this program! Amazing!