#partswork

How Family Beliefs Shape Your Choices 💡

Inherited Beliefs

Wednesday Reality Check is a weekly series of short, honest reflections designed to normalize growth, self-awareness, and emotional insight through quiet humor and grounded perspective.

"In the present moment - we were safe. Even when the alarm on our phones showed up, telling us we need to go to the ground floor because an attack is looming - we were still safe in this present moment." What a beautiful reminder by a peer of mine of the Somatic Experiencing studies. On their way from Europe to India to start the next training module with us, the war started - and they were stuck in Dubai for 1 week. She studied, practiced hands on – on herself and her immediate environment – what being in the present moment really means. What feeling safe inside means, when so much outside is uncertain and unsafe. I have not personally experienced a war. My bones probably have, my cells, from ancestors of mine. And then, if I extend the definition of war - I am certain my body knows what war feels like:

For maybe my entire life, I felt I had such a war going on inside. A fight between who I am – and who I thought I'm supposed to be. Between how I behaved and thought – and what I thought I'm supposed to act like and think. So many shoulds. So much shame - around who I am, how I think and what I do. My physiology was in a chronic state of survival, tension, restlessness, alertness – while at the same time feeling exhausted, numb, disconnected. This quote hangs on the walls of the Ashram where we happen to have our SE trainings:

What has been helping me more than anything to find peace inside – and for my physiology to expand, relax – is the same that helped my friends stay regulated in the middle east, in the midst of an official war: Noticing the sensations... coming back to them, again and again... Sensations are immediate, they don't lie. Which is why many say "the body doesn't lie". Nobody - neither my internal voices - can debate my sensations away. They're true, happen right here and now (even if what triggered the sensation might come from the past). That's a rather direct way to get into the present moment.

And if you think: so why do I have a hard time to stay in the present moment, why do I leave my body, why do I spend most of my life in my head? Then it is because feeling all of this has at some point not felt safe. The accumulated stress couldn't get resolved. There was maybe high stress all the time - your body needed to watch out for threatening behavior or speech, needed to stay alert, ready to defend, run away or pretend nothing is happening so the charge in the other person would calm down... Or, you learnt to push away the bodily impulses and associated emotions when something threatening happened... yet that energy didn't have space to leave. It got stuck. And shaped your body. And now your body doesn't know different than taking the same position, tensing up, breathing shallowly, clenching the jaw... Mmm. To help our bodies feel safe again requires a lot of trust from them in us*. And usually, we cannot do it alone.

Like my friend said what was crucial, too: "We were not alone, in Dubai. We had each other." Tough times often (or mostly?), need relational support to not be traumatising. (which is why trauma integration tends to require another person present who can hold a safe space**).

A nervous system that has forgotten how to feel calm, will learn best by being close to a nervous system that can feel calm***. 🖤

*and, by the way, the body will not build that trust if we force ourselves to stay in the body, or to feel everything. We encourage it, as long as it feels safe enough. The moment it feels too much, we take a step back. Newly resourced, we can look at it. Cautiously: "are you there?" "Is it safe for me to come back?"

A picture I took years ago in a temple in Sri Lanka. Isn't it cute?

**or, as one of my teacher says: the spaceholder is actually letting themselves be held by space... 😮‍💨

The Part You Silence 💡

The Parts of You That Still Want to Be Heard

Wednesday Reality Check is a weekly series of short, honest reflections designed to normalize growth, self-awareness, and emotional insight through quiet humor and grounded perspective.

Cats! Casablancan Cats! How many Casablancan cats can you count?

I've been reflecting recently on the theme of forgiveness, especially after watching the film Women Talking. The movie features a group of women from a Mennonite community, who discuss how to handle the problem of sexual abuse from a group of men in their community. The topic of forgiveness is brought up often, and also debated hotly. One of the primary concerns they bring up is that if they don't forgive these men, they won't be able to enter the Kingdom of Heaven.

This view may sound rather extreme, and yet it's actually a pretty standard view for theologically conservative Christians. It is understood that you have to forgive others, otherwise God won't forgive you. That said, one of the women in the movie points out that forgiveness is not the same as permission. And this was something I was taught too - that forgiveness does not mean you have to trust the person again, or have any kind of contact with them. This is an important distinction, though not always clear.

That said, it's still quite an extreme view to take - that if you don't forgive people, even if just internally, you will go to hell. In the movie one woman brings up the issue that, if forgiveness is forced like that, is it really forgiveness at all? Is it truly coming from the heart?

It's something I have often pondered, as forgiveness is also brought up often in non-Christian spiritual and personal growth circles. It's a popular theme in new age literature as well. New agers probably wouldn’t tell you that you’re going to hell for not forgiving, but they might tell you that you haven’t been healed from illness or trauma because of it.

I like what Jeff Brown has to say on this topic - he takes a strong view against premature or forced forgiveness. As I get older, I tend to agree with him on this one. Premature forgiveness can really stifle the process of healing trauma, and disconnect people from healthy anger - anger which often enables people to set strong, healthy boundaries and practice assertiveness.

In terms of polyvagal theory, it can push people down into freeze and fawn mode, which disrupts and halts the process of releasing trauma. We actually need to be able to move through the fight/flight mode in order to heal and release trauma completely.

“Anger is a river. It wants to be released into the vaster ocean. It wants to move naturally. When we repress it with premature forgiveness, block it with false positivity, repress it in the name of pseudo-peace, we just dam(n) our natural flow. The river then turns inward, against the self, or explodes outwardly, against innocents. Better we express it when it is in our awareness- not in a way that is destructive to humanity- but in a way that is authentic and that restores the integrity of our being. Anger isn’t the enemy. Misplaced anger is. Let the river flow…”

I find that for myself, forgiveness tends to come more naturally with time and distance from a situation. It's also a heck of a lot easier to forgive when you're happy and life is generally going well. Resentments tend to fester more when one is sick or depressed or under stress. So I don't feel it's my place to judge anyone for holding onto resentment or anger, because it actually often has to do with life circumstances that are out of people's control.

It's also often deeply tried to trauma and PTSD which isn't something you can just snap your fingers and cure overnight. Healing from trauma and PTSD, whether acute or complex, is a challenging path and rarely quick or easy.

So my personal view is that it's best not to force forgiveness, and I don't think anyone should feel obligated to forgive at all. If it is helpful and supportive on your healing and spiritual journey, then go for it. But I don't think it should be seen as something compulsory or absolutely necessary. Besides, forgiveness often does happen of its own accord, when one starts to heal and get distance from a situation. I tend to think it's most healing when it unfolds organically. 

I do agree that forgiveness does not equal trust or reconciliation with anyone from our pasts. It's possible, and in fact very wise, to forgive and never to reconnect with the people who harmed us.

Another thing I would add is that forgiveness isn't necessarily a one-time decision. It can be a long process. We may go back and forth, feeling forgiveness sometimes and then deep hatred at other times. And that's actually okay! It's also possible to forgive and still feel some residual anger or resentment lingering. It's complicated, and it doesn't help to deny our real feelings here. So, as always, be patient and compassionate with yourself.

i reminded them that we won't get in trouble, and that i have plenty of time to clean it.

Parts Work - Fenrir