scenarios Alfred Pennyworth has to be a witness to as a resident of Wayne Manor that the batkids have absolutely no shame in front of whatsoever part 14 (masterpost here)
*Tim and Damian walking into the kitchen with empty mugs, putting them in the sink while Alfred cooks.*
Damian, beginning to wash up: *hisses* i'm not arguing with you, i just don't see why it matters.
Tim: are you kiddi- Dami, it's your first crush!
Damian: it's not though???
Tim: ok- well, it's the first time a guy's had a proper crush on you at least. do you seriously not like him back?
Damian: *scoff* 'proper', this is Jon Kent we're talking about. he gets a crush on anybody who ruffles his hair. you should have seen the first time Jason complimented his ability to fly, i thought i'd have to kick him out the manor to get away from the puppy adoration.
Tim: he's such a sweet kid though! i thought you guys were really close, anyway, do you really not reciprocate anything romantic?
Damian: of course not. i have no interest in human relationships.
Alfred, interrupting Tim with a warning glare: and that is perfectly fine, Damian. relationships do not define us.
Tim, rolling his eyes: well yeah, obviously, all that aroace acceptance shit; i just think it would be cute to have him as a younger brother in law.
Damian: *eyebrow raise* so get over yourself and ask out the clone?
Tim, abruptly going red: i-i don't know what-
Damian, exasperatedly throwing the dish towel at him: oh for fucks sake, Drake.
Damian, giving a disgusted look: ugh. everything's complicated with you people. fucking romance.
Tim, whining: alright, alright, i'm just mourning the potential Damian-Jon wedding, that's all.
Damian, as he walks over to open the fridge: *casual* ...oh. well there's no need for that, i still plan on marrying him.
Alfred: *drops his spoon*
Damian, blinking cluelessly: well it would be beneficial? he is clearly affectionate of me, which is good for loyalty, and his meta abilities make him very useful in a lot of situations, which makes him a good potential right-hand. marriage is just a business contract, after all.
*complete baffled silence*
Damian: plus, a relationship that has no possibility for producing an heir will severely disappoint my grandfather, which Jason tells me should always be a priority.
Alfred, genuinely speechless: ...and this is a plan you've... thought about?
Damian: *shrug* not much? it just seems a no brainer.
Tim: ...does Jon not get a say in this?
Damian: well i assume he'll have to say i do at some point, so yes.
Alfred: and you think this is an arrangement Jon would be ok with?
Damian: i'm sure he's fine with it.
Tim: how the hell would you know that?!
Damian, looking at them as if they're stupid: ...because he's in the manor and has super hearing? i assume that if he was against the idea he would have spoken up by now.
Jon, faintly from the other side of the manor: I'M UP FOR IT!!! WE JUST HAVE TO WAIT UNTIL I'M AN ADULT, DAD SAYS SO.
Damian: i told you it didn't have to be complicated.