this morning i had my first peer support session with quite literally the only survivors org that responded to my emails requesting help. and bc theyre the ONLY place offering this to me, and they are a "women's organisation", i am having to cosplay as a woman for these sessions. a straight cis woman specifically. and i'm having to pretend that my ex was a man too. i was about to say beggars can't be choosers, but yknow what, why not?? anyway this was my first time talking to a cishet woman who believed me to also be a cishet woman (usually they immediately clock me as gay/gender incongruant) in a long time, and it was interesting to see how she built solidarity with me not first and foremost as both of us being survivors, but both of us being women. and then also that "as women", we are predisposed toward wanting love from men. and i was like 🤔... idk how helpful this is gonna be for me
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thin people when i say i am deeply frustrated that none of my clothes fit me and that i can't buy more because in a month's time they will also not fit me: "just buy clothes that fit :)" OR "ummm have you, a fat person with an inactive eating disorder, considered shutting the fuck up about your mystery sudden weight loss"
fat people when i tell them the same thing: been there brother 🤝
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Maladaptive deeply held belief: nobody could ever love me. Im going to die alone
Positive counterthought: maybe someone has an exceptionally rare form of mental illness that would cause them to make the grave mistake of wanting to fuck me
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well meeting my metamores ALMOST happened.. it was supposed to take place in a pub that was showing the football, and it was so loud inside that i had to immediately leave as soon as i'd entered. which actually took ages bc they had to put two ramps out to get me in.. i very briefly met one of the husbands of one of my dom's partners, but i couldnt hear a word he said and i probably looked like a deer in headlights. my dom took me out of there and to a nearby park where we just sat n talked for a few hours, much preferable to the wall of noise happening in the pub. i asked my dom, what is the appeal of having conversations in a room where you can't hear what anyone else is saying? and they were like. sweetheart i could hear perfectly well in that room, sound sounds different to you than it does to most people. fucked up if true
It is such a hopeless feeling to see someone who is a dear friend, who you care so deeply about living with a constant threat on their life and not be able to help.
It has been 3 years of genocide in Gaza, and people like my friend @mohdayesh are still trapped in Gaza with no escape from their treacherous daily life.
Mohammed's wife is pregnant and to this day dealing with the pain of having a bullet lodged in her chest. And Mohammed is bearing the responsibility of trying to keep his family taken care of to the best of his abilities with the limited resources he can get his hands on.
Mohammad and I often spoke of his desires to start a life for himself and his wife outside of the war zone, away from the genocide, where they can finally have a taste of safety and security. There is nothing more that I want than the ability to snap a finger and help him achieve their dreams, but unfortunately that's not within my power. All I can do is plead with you to help.
Mod'd is my friend and someone I've been working with for the past 3 years to ensure that you can trust where your money is going and weed out harmful actors taking advantage of the crisis in Gaza. And he has worked tirelessly to that end. He often doesn't ask for help for himself because he wants to see others thrive, but now he has a wife and a child on the way and he can't sit and watch as they suffer in this genocide.
He is trying to reach a preliminary goal of £3,000 on his gofundme, and has reached £2,046/£3,000 up until the time I'm writing this post.
But you can also help via his paypal!
And please share this post!!
My name is Mohammed ayesh from Gaza Recently, I started a new chapter in my li… Shelley Gordon needs your support for Support Ayesh’s family
Go to paypal.me/MAyesh674 and type in the amount. Since it’s PayPal, it's easy and secure. Don’t have a PayPal account? No worries.
magic hands ... more of my favs. i've gotten really confident crocheting hands recently. i'm better than a machine ... i'm the machine. i'm the hand machine
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i need to shower and then im going to meet some of my metamores for the first time. it's all very exciting, meeting new people and forming new bonds, but i've been wishing this week that i had more people around who ive known for longer. a lot of the people i knew pre-abuse-reveal or during-abuse-escape have just vanished from my life. obvs the big one being my ex best friend. i feel like my life has been cut into chunks of time, and for so many of those chunks i'm the only one still around who remembers it. either because of death or estrangement or breakups or reptures in friendships. my oldest surviving friendship rn is 6 years old, and the next odlest one is like. 3 or 4 years. i feel contextless! there's no one but me to notice how much i've changed over the past decade. and in meeting all these new people, so often these are fleeting interactions that don't persist to become meaningful bonds. all i can do is keep moving forwards until, hopefully, i can eventually have those long-held relationships again.