so here's a dilemma i've been working through since my big breakup: is "lesbian" still a useful label for me? it was a place of real comfort for a good 6 years there, and i do feel an undeniable pull toward lesbianism still. HOWEVER. here is the actual problem. i have been going on dates with men since i started 'getting back out there'. it's not even that i am /looking/ for men. it's that the only people who seem to find me attractive are neurodivergent cis men, amab non-binary people who stealth as men, and occasionally i've had some brief flings with trans women. i don't know why, but afab non-binary people, trans men, and cis women quite literally NEVER show any romantic or sexual interest in me. and it's always been the case that if an ostensibly cis man shows genuine interest in me, he's probably an egg. my early 20s serious dating history with "men" is littered with people who either came out while seeing me or came out shortly after we broke up. the men i've been on dates with this year have not clicked in the end & i've called it off with all of them. so i'm now just dating 2 amab non-binary people and being 'rope friends' with a trans woman. of the two non-binary people, one is genderfluid and most of the time is "man-ish" (largely for work purposes) and sometimes "femme", and the other has a culturally specific indiginous gender identity but also calls himself "basically a cis man". i am not letting questions about what my sexuality is get in the way of making genuine connections with people, so i've just been trying to see how i actually feel rather than worrying about whether how i feel fits with how i label myself. i like everyone i'm still seeing. but, when people ask me questions about my sexuality - including the people i'm dating! - i don't have a neat answer for them. the amab non-binary people have understandably assumed i'm bi, because they don't see themselves as being people a lesbian would find attractive. there's nothing wrong with being bi, obviously, but i have a hesitancy to call myself bi because it simply doesn't feel accurate. i entertained dates with men, but when i actually got to know them i knew there was zero chance i could fall in love with them - there is something about a genuinely cis man that feels like i'm talking to someome from another planet, and not in a fun way. there is always a palpable difference in the connections i have with amab non-binary people versus with cis men. and i do think there is plenty of room for my attraction to other non-binary people (regardless of agab) within the label of lesbian - but it just feels conspicuous to call myself a lesbian when i've never seriously dated a woman, and at this rate maybe never will. and it feels weird to also base my sexuality around attraction to a group that, in practice, don't actually want me back. if more women would actually want to date me, i would be dating more women! i know in my heart that my most ardent attraction is always and has always been for women and non-binary people, never men. so like, surely that's lesbianism. but i feel like i ought to just drop any specific labels altogether and just go back to saying "i'm gay/queer" and let people draw their own conclusions. a lot of these feelings are about how my sexuality appears to and is understood by others, but like. that's why labels exist innit....
janainaart
blakekathryn
turnnoffyourmind
annaxmalina
areudirty
romaincrisis
