Kris

it’s been 9 years since i wrote this. i was experiencing 24/7 anxiety so badly that i needed serious medication. these days in the back of my car is an “emergency party box.” when people admit they no longer really celebrate their birthday; i tell them to put the sash on and queue up kesha, we’re going bowling or something. these days i can’t spin around without finding something i am enamored with. these days i list 3 things i’m grateful for before i fall asleep. you’re probably one of them, just by virtue of you existing.

at the time i wrote this, i was suffering through a severe panic attack literally every night. i tortured my brother with constant 2 AM calls just to hear someone else breathing, because i couldn’t be alone in the silence.

i rarely wish i was still 23 even though ironically i had more hope back then. what i can tell you is this: i love the same way, but bigger now. i’ve worn the velvet cape to several business meetings. i spent thursday in a crop top without caring what my stomach looked like.

i told her i like her; i often dress as a witch. i still got glass in my foot this morning. i’ve kissed maybe a thousand people since then and met a million more than that; passing like the shadow of a hammerhead in trains and planes and buses.

i saw you, beloved, there, maybe, on platform in south station. you didn’t speak, but you said: i struggle to give the nothing meaning. the nothing fills up everything. it is just loud and yellowed panicked silence. i can’t stop shaking.

on the roof, birds curl together against the chilled spring wind. the sky outside of the craft store was an iridescent pink. the nothing already had meaning; you are giving it meaning by witnessing.

I had to turn this off, but it's something that allows Windows and anyone using your device to generate text/images.

small skirt and top, keychains and phone charms that clack against eachother, cute little handbag, rings and bracelets and a necklace stack (one of which you'd find looks identical to the thin silver chain shoko has tucked into her shirt). you are the complete opposite.

so when you know she's up in her office, signing off packs of documents and typing up e-mails to god knows who, you decide to pay her a visit.

"hi, sho!" you chirp, phone tucked between your chin and shoulder as you dig through your purse.

shoko smiles. she was hoping you'd give her a call, tired of meetings after meetings. leaning back in her chair, she answers your call.

"hi, baby," shoko hums.

"can you tell your receptionist to let me up," you crinkle your nose.

you don't like her new receptionist, shoko assumes, chuckling as she reaches across her desk to connect to the front desk. "can you let my girlfriend up?"

"y-yes ieiri-san! sorry for the confusion."

"she let you in, sweetheart? ijichi's on leave for a week." shoko leans back to mutter into her phone. she wasn't expecting to see you today.

"hmph. i already told her i was on your list, sho! and it was supposed a surprise," you whine, tacking on another hmph.

"sorry, baby. it was still a surprise though," and now you're standing at her door, your frustration melting away into a grin at the sight of your girlfriend.

"i'll have to call you back, sho," you whisper, "there's a really sexy woman in here and i just have to speak to her, maybe makeout a little," you giggle.

"it was nice speaking to you, sweetheart," shoko says in a conspiratorial whisper, "let me know how it goes, yeah?"

you both hang up, laughing. you drop your things on her guest sofa before walking to her, arms out.

shoko pushes her chair back, making space for you to climb on.

"hi sho," you whisper.

ᡴꪫ. what're they like in bed ? 𖹭 g. satoru, g. suguru, i. shoko, i. utahima, t. yuki, n. kento, k. shiu 𖹭 f. reader ˖ ࣪ꮽ˳

˖ ࣪✧ ꘓ Satoru Gojo ۪ ୧ top dom leaning switch. fucks hard, he's got a lot of frustration to get out + he loves seeing your pretty eyes go dumb. please piss him off, he loves the idea that someone actually can. however, has a soft spot for lazy morning and sweet, sensual night sex. he enjoys doing the work and making you feel good but ! will not be opposed to you taking lead . . . if you fight him for it. what, you expect him to just give it to you?

. ۫ ۶ৎ .

˖ ࣪✧ ꘓ Suguru Geto ۪ ୧ top dom. don't try to take control, you will fail, he will laugh at you. more into the hard dom and can be really damn mean. brat taming? watch yourself, he has a particular love for putting you in your place. he is such a damn tease it's insane. we only believe in pervert suguru on this blog, he will do some of the nastiest things like keeping your panties in his pocket or touching you under a table.

. ۫ ۶ৎ .

˖ ࣪✧ ꘓ Shoko Ieiri ۪ ୧ switch, pleasure seeker. will honestly change depending on your preference, she's pretty chill with it. while she does have a particular love for relieving whatever stress you may harbour, she's not opposed to you putting her on her back. gets very touchy, will leave you marked up in her lipstick after quickies. not very outwardly submissive but oh can she run with that top/dom title. will use the strap on you! prefers if you scissor her though.

. ۫ ۶ৎ .

˖ ࣪✧ ꘓ Utahime Iori ۪ ୧ bottom sub. please let her be a pillow princess she's tired and stressed. also a bit inexperienced as a general so might fumble a bit but she's definitely very into it! guide her a little and she'll do whatever you want. gets a tad bit jealous which will result in her getting a bit 'assertive' with you which turns laughable once you introduce some tongue and get her legs all trembling again.

. ۫ ۶ৎ .

˖ ࣪✧ ꘓ Yuki Tsukumo ۪ ୧ TOP. DOM. look at that woman and tell me she wouldn't pin you down by the thighs. she's sooo sweet with it too, giving you little winks and croons while her fingers are being so mean between your legs. you never know what to expect with her she's beyond unpredictable. one moment you're cuddling and she's being the sweetest — the next? over her face. literally so obsessed with your pleasure ( and making you teary )

. ۫ ۶ৎ .

˖ ࣪✧ ꘓ Kento Nanami ۪ ୧ top dom. now he woudn't be opposed to you taking control if you asked him, but he prefers to be the one calling the shots. it just relaxes him you know? with that being said, his dynamic is whiplash. he's so tender and gentle . . . with his words and foreplay. the second his dick's in? your legs will be weak and he'll show you just how mean he can be — while still keeping his tender words as if he isn't re-arranging your guts. also into brat taming but he actually makes you feel a bit bad about it with the way he scolds you while bullying your cunt.

. ۫ ۶ৎ .

˖ ࣪✧ ꘓ Shiu Kong ۪ ୧ top dom and prefers to keep it that way. he's too old and tired to deal with you trying to one-up him so don't try. it will end with you on his lap while he idly smokes his cigarette and makes you do the work. that's his brat taming. why should he give you what you want when you act up? teasing bastard who lovvess making you beg for it. lazy and effortless with it until he's either got his head between your legs or you're sprawled out on his dick. and even then.

͝ ⏝𝅄︶ ͝ ⏝ ⊹ ⏝ ͝ ︶𝅄⏝ ͝

it’s quiet except for the low tapping of rain against the window and the occasional rustle of blankets every time sukuna shifts against you.

which is quite often.

for someone who acts like affection is beneath him, he’s currently half sprawled across your chest like an oversized cat, one arm heavy around your waist.

you look down at him for a second, making sure his eyes are still closed, before reaching for your phone as carefully as possible.

“mhmm, keep scratching riiight there,” he mutters lazily.

you bite back a grin. “hmm, you like that?”

his grip tightens, pulling you closer until your legs tangle together beneath the blankets. one of his hands lazily traces shapes against your hip.

he’s completely relaxed— nobody would ever believe this version of him exists.

which is exactly why you start recording.

the phone captures the way his face softens, the way he leans into your touch, and the faintest hint of a smirk pulling at his mouth when you scratch lightly at the right spot.

“you’re sooo spoiled,” you whisper.

“tch, by who?”

“me, duh.”

he hums thoughtfully. “suppose you’re useful for something.”

“wow. you’re sooo romantic.”

“you know how i feel about you, woman,” he mutters. “don’t make me say it.”

you just grin down at your phone screen.

especially when he shifts upward just enough to press his face against your chest dramatically after you stop petting his hair for two seconds.

“jeez,” you whisper. “clingy much?”

“careful.”

“hm? or what?”

“i’ll remind you who’s in charge.”

despite the threat, his voice is rough with sleep, quieter than usual. affectionate in that awful sukuna way where every sweet thing sounds vaguely dangerous.

you’re still smiling at the screen when his gaze suddenly flickers upward, and straight to your phone.

you watch the realization hit him in real time.

“…are you filming me?” his expression twists into horror first, before hardening into his usual glare as he jerks upright.

“delete it.”

“no.”

“delete it now.”

“you were being cute.”

his eyes widen a fraction. “give me the phone.”

you scramble backward across the bed before he can grab you, laughing when he lunges and misses by inches.

“nuh-uh!”

“you insignificant—”

“maybe.. i’ll show uraume.”

dead silence, and the look on his face is murderous.

“you wouldn’t dare.”

your grin turns evil. “oh, i would.”

he’s off the bed instantly, and so are you.

you shriek laughing as you sprint out of the bedroom, nearly tripping over your own feet while sukuna storms after you.

“get back here, now!”

“uraume deserves to know you’re secretly pathetic—”

“i’ll burn that device if i have to.”

“you were totally acting all soft!”

“THAT IS NOT WHAT HAPPENED.”

you’re wheezing by the time you dart down the hallway, clutching your phone to your chest while he gains on you with terrifying speed, then suddenly strong arms wrap around your waist from behind, and you yelp as he lifts you clean off the ground.

“caught you.”

“i’m sorry— no, no, no!”

he pries your phone from your hands with annoyance while you laugh uncontrollably.

he glares down at the screen, pulls up the video, and watches exactly three seconds of himself melting into your touch.

“…this shall never be seen by anyone else.”

you grin. “but you looked adorable!”

“say another word and i’m never cuddling you again.”

“empty threats!” you hum.

Now I’m an adult and people my age have their lives in order and I’m stuck here, confused, because I never planned to be alive and I’m so far behind.

I want to make an addition to this. I made this post a long time ago.

I’m currently back in university, and I’ve made so much progress with my trauma. I’m in a loving relationship.

Things can and will get better. It’s not too late.

I’m getting married. I’m still in that loving relationship.

I’ve been married a little over two years. I just got home from friendships that feel like home and family. My husband and I have our own place. I have a full ass book ready to be published.