Queer-coloured glasses

A vari-relationship or variship for short is a relationship where the people involved don’t feel the same type of attraction(s) toward each other. 

(For more details about the meaning and the coining, see this post : https://queer-coloured-glasses.tumblr.com/post/183361899619/variship-new-relationship-term )

I was asked if multisexual people (bisexual, pansexual, etc.) in a relationship with a monosexual person could use variship. It could be ONLY if the people involved don’t feel the same type of attraction(s) toward each other as it says in the definition. 

Example : a biromantic asexual girl in a relationship with a lesbian girl are in a variship because one feels romantic attraction while the other feels romantic and sexual attraction. Not the same attractions in nature on both parts. 

Example 2 : a bisexual biromantic girl in a relationship with a lesbian girl are NOT in a variship if they both feel romantic and sexual attraction to each other. Because they feel the same attractions in nature toward each other.

Variship is about attraction(s) felt in a relationship, not orientation itself. 

In the a-spec community we often talk about different kind of non-sexual non-romantic attractions :

- aesthetic attraction is the desire to look at someone that you find beautiful. 

- sensual attraction is the desire to have a sensual interaction with someone, i.e. cuddling, kissing, massaging, holding hands... 

Note that for allosexual people, the desire to look at someone and be sensual with them comes usually with the sexual attraction, that’s why they don’t feel the need to label aesthetic and sensual attractions separately.

- platonic attraction is a non-romantic attraction to have an emotional relationship with someone such as being good friends or queerplatonic partners (some people distinguish between platonic attraction and queerplatonic attraction, i’m using platonic attraction as a catch all term for everything (queer)platonic here, but feel free to specify if needed).

- etc.

But we don’t necessarily talk as much about feeling combinations of these attractions and their specificities. That’s why I coined some combos of 2 or more non-romantic, non-sexual attractions ! The new attractions terms here are not only an “addition” or “juxtaposition” of the 2 or 3 attractions in question, rather there are intertwined creating a unique kind of attraction. Keep in mind that the definitions that I’m going to give here may be simplistic but it’s hard to express what it actually feels like with words ! You may apply these terms more loosely to yourself than what they are defined as, as long as you find it relevant. The main idea it precisely that it’s not always easy to pinpoint exactly what types of attraction we are feeling or separate them into boxes. 

Here we go :

1) Aesthetisensual attraction (from asesthetic+sensual, can be called AS attraction for short) : it’s the desire to look at and have a sensual interaction with someone that you find beautiful, basically. It can be defined more loosely though as a non-sexual attraction that is not easily defined as solely aesthetic or sensual. 

As it can be a really strong attraction, some asexual people may have confused it with sexual attraction before realizing there were asexual !

You may experience romantic attraction or not with this attraction (asexual alloromantic people may use it !)

2) Platonisensual attraction (from platonic+sensual, can be called PS attraction for short) : it’s the desire to have an non-romantic emotional relationship with someone and have a sensual interaction with them, basically. It can lead to a queerplatonic relationship with sensual elements in it for instance, or best friends that like to cuddle, etc. It’s up to you. 

As this attraction may be very strong, someone could confuse it for romantic-sexual attraction before realizing that they are aro (and maybe ace).

It is coined with aro people in mind.

3) Platoniaesthetic attraction (from platonic+aesthetic, can be called PA attraction for short) : it’s the desire to have an non-romantic emotional relationship with someone that you have a desire to look at because you find them beautiful as well, basically. 

As this attraction may be very strong, someone could confuse it for romantic-sexual attraction before realizing that they are aro (and maybe ace).

It is coined with aro people in mind.

4) Platoni-aestheti-sensual attraction (from platonic+aesthetic+sensual, can be called PAS attraction for short) : it’s the desire to have a non-romantic emotional relationship as well as a sensual interaction with someone that you have the desire to look at because you find them beautiful, basically. Again, it may lead to a queerplatonic relationship with sensual elements, best friends that want to cuddle, etc. It may be confused with romantic-sexual attraction at first. 

It is coined with aro people in mind.

Note that this is the top 4 combo attractions I could think of, but I’m sure there’s more. Don’t hesitate to coin your own with other attractions (alterous...) ! 

Examples of usage : “I met a guy and I feel a strong platonisensual attraction to him !” / “I’m not attracted sexually to anyone, I’m asexual, but I feel aesthetisensual attraction to any gender !”

It’s more meant to be descriptive of an attraction rather than an orientation type, but feel free to use it this way too : “I’m bi-aesthetisensual”. It works as well. 

A vari-relationship or variship for short is a relationship where the people involved don’t feel the same type of attraction(s) toward each other. I coined it with having in mind :

- aromantic people in relationship with alloromantic people (not aromantic),

- asexual people in relationship with allosexual people (not asexual),

- aroace people in relationship with allo people (not aromantic nor asexual), 

- varioriented people in relationship with perioriented people (varioriented means your romantic and sexual orientation don’t match, while perioriented means they do match). 

- relationship anarchists and polyamorous people that may have unconventional relationships,

- any other relationship where all the partners are ok to have a relationship while not sharing the same type of attraction(s) toward each other.

Examples of variships :

- X is aromantic bisexual and Y is biromantic bisexual (alloromantic). X feels platonic and sexual attractions for Y, while Y feels romantic and sexual attraction for X.

- X is asexual homoromantic and Y is gay (allosexual). X feels aesthetic and romantic attraction for Y, while Y feels sexual and romantic attraction for X.

- X is a biromantic heterosexual girl (varioriented) and Y is a lesbian (perioriented). X feels romantic attraction for Y, while Y feels romantic and sexual attraction for X.

- X and Y are both relationship anarchists. X feels romantic attraction for Y and Y feels queerplatonic attraction for Y. They don’t feel the need to make their relationship more “conventional” or try to fit it into a box, and it’s cool for them.

The key idea behind variships is that the partners are cool with having a relationship somewhat unconventional, out of the amatonormative romantico-sexual traditionnal relationship that society expects. 

A variship can include any relationship elements or not : romantic stuff, sexual intimacy, queerplatonic-like stuff, etc. It’s all up to the people involved ! For instance, an asexual person with an allosexual person are in a variship, but they may or may not have sex. 

The prefix “vari” is derived from the word “varioriented” since it means having mismatched attractions, I just figured I would take an already known prefix in order not to have too many complicated and confusing prefixes out there, plus variships are coined with varioriented and a-spec people in mind, so I thought it fits perfectly!

Variship is a word that can be useful for people who struggle to fit their relationship into labels like “romantic” and “queerplatonic” (etc.) because there’s a mismatch between partners. 

This is a suggestion for a new/alternative bi aroace flag, inspired by the general oriented aroace flag made by @biaroace.

Meaning of the colors : *dark blue: aroace-ness (hex code #161639).

*grey: our affiliation with the wider ace and aro communities (hex code #7ea2b6).

*purple (which replaces the white stripe in the general oriented aroace flag representing the orientations within our community) : bi-ness, it’s not the exact same shade of purple than in the bi flag because our aroace-ness and our bi-ness combined are a unique experience (hex code #761577).

*teal green: our non-romantic/sexual attraction (hex code #36aea0).

Any thoughts ? Do you like it ?

Feminen : a non binary person attracted to women and non binary people (alternative to nblw & nblnb ) ; from “femin” and “en” (short for enby).

Viren : a non binary person attracted to men and non binary people (alternative to nblm & nblnb) ; from the latin “vir” (men) and “en” (short for enby).

Inspired from feminamoric (a non binary person attracted to women) and viramoric (a non binary person attracted to men).

The idea is to have an orientation system the functions the same for various terms. It’s easier to remember.

Feminaflexible : a nb person mainly attracted to women, but sometimes attracted to other genders (inspired from feminamoric).

Viraflexible : a nb person mainly attracted to men, but occasionally sometimes to other genders (inspired from viramoric).

I also coined :

Periso (stand alone or perisosexual, perisoromantic) :

*Being attracted to the same gender and some or all non binary genders but NOT to the other binary gender / “”opposite”” gender.

*Being attracted to all genders except the other binary gender/ “”opposite”” gender.

It’s the opposite of Penultisexual (which means being attracted to all genders except your own). The word comes from “per” (through) and “iso” (identical) meaning literally “being attracted to the same gender and through the binary i.e. to non binary genders”.

Example : a woman attracted to women and non binary people. A man attracted to men and non binary people.

Alternatives to wlw & wlnb, and mlm & mlnb.

I’m actually not periso myself, but I couldn’t find anywhere a term for that and I now such orientation exists so I came up with the word, if that’s ok. I’m sure it can help someone out there !