Call me B

Musée Des Beaux Arts, Montréal, Québec, Canada

THIS IS WORSE. It’s so much worse.

When you hear “there’s no AC” you probably are thinking like…oh that’s rough, but still I’ve dealt with those temps. My old place didn’t have AC. It can’t be that bad.

NO. The lack of AC trickles down into every facet of dealing with the heat in a way that slowly and quite literally boils you alive. It’s not just “oh my apartment is hot this sucks”, it’s “there is nowhere you can go to cool down and if you overheat there is no help available”

For most there’s no AC anywhere. Anywhere. The coolest place available is maybe your local church, or a shopping center. Both will kick you out around 8pm, the hottest part of the day. In France and Spain in particular, the time zone is wrong (Hitler’s fault—we’re still aligned with Germany instead of the UK) and the sun doesn’t set until 10-11pm. Heat is still being actively pumped into your living spaces at 10pm.

And the temps do not meaningfully drop overnight. (Which you might expect if you’re from the American west. Southerners do understand this.) Many people live in stone walled buildings that just keep heating up. This is very literally the experience of being in a stone oven. And there’s no way to drop the temperature. You can’t escape it.

If your body temp climbs to unmanageable levels and you start experiencing heat exhaustion, you can call the hospital…most of which also do not have AC. I’m not sure how they’re treating people, I guess with ice packs? There’s already been a handful of deaths in my city, and that’s before any kind of post-wave reporting. These are real time reported deaths.

Anyway I want you to really, really internalize the sense of panic that starts to set in when you’re in these circumstances. The animal brain really starts to go wild when there’s no options and no escape. That’s why Europeans are posting about suffering.

which combined with ilya loving just making things up and saying them (as seen in the "yes, the rumors are true-" scene) offers the very funny idea that ilya actively tries to offer as much privacy as possible by just throwing out stories about them at random so there IS no central story for people to hound shane about.

assorted backstories a la "ilya just started talking and found out with everyone else where he was going with this":

they got snowed in at all stars one year (b-but wasn't that year in florida?) and decided there was nothing better to do

it started as a bit and neither is willing to give up first

they paired off to combine forces like nato

they paired off to limit how many kids they could have in the future to make sure hockey stayed fair

ilya lost a bet six years ago

shane lost a bet three years ago

ilya got tired of remembering phone numbers for his hookups and shane's is easy

ilya got tired of having to look things up in english and french when talking to other people and decide to marry someone who speaks two languages to save time

shane is gifted enough (wink wink wink) that other people are cowards and only ilya was brave enough to rise to the challenge (this one gets him in trouble on the phone later but it also gets him laid that night at home and also confuses the online speculation about who tops and bottoms, so net positive tbh)

yuna hollander is the best manager in the business and a political marriage was the best way to secure her services longterm

"too many authors in the current market are focusing on selling 'spice' instead of telling interesting stories"

"oh yeah, i agree. i started reading one that i heard a lot about and it just wasn't-"

"and it's all of these women reading their fucking mommy porn out in public like FREAKS"

But just imagine Ilya getting asked about his weekend and his teammates having no idea if he's talking about a pet or a girlfriend/one night stand and they make a game out of it.

"Roz, what'd you get up to this weekend?"

Spa weekend with Ryba. I could pay to have her hair and nails done, but I like doing it myself 😊

"Roz, where'd you get all those scratches? *winkwink*"

My poor girl is afraid of fireworks.

"Does Ryba have a favorite TV show?"

She likes when I put on animal planet when I leave the house

"Where does Ryba sleep?"

Typically with me, though she can be rather active at night and sometimes I find her in the bathtub in the morning.

"What's Ryba's favorite food?"

Salmon! She'll eat it right out of my hand!

Oh I'm not saying you should get 4 or 5 seasons out of this.

This concept very very clearly should be a passionate 1h 35m movie where the protagonists vaguely allude to their previous cases, and the audience just sort of intuitively understands they're seasoned detectives with all sorts of wild adventures.

"I don't hear anything."

"Its a distinct 157hz hum, the exact frequency of the LovePlug remote controlled buttplug!"

And there’s all this miscommunication because Ilya will occasionally mention her name/talks about her and Shane thinks that this is a real woman who is possibly a girlfriend. And he’s talking about a cat but somehow this comes across like he could be talking about a woman. So all this time, Shane thinks that Ilya and (insert name here of cat) are also friends with benefits but possibly more when in fact it’s just Ilya mentioning his cat.

So they get to the cottage and they declare they’re love and make their plan and then Ilya casually drops in “it will be a big move for (kitty) but she’ll be fine, I have a plan.”

and Shane is panicking and freaking out because what?! “I…don’t understand….”

“I will have to drive her when I move, I don’t want to take her on a plane.”

“Uh.”

“I have looked up, you know, taking them on planes and they need to go into the hold. I don’t want to do that.”

Shane is panicking and also really confused because why would a person go in the hold and -

“She will love you, I think. She doesn’t like many people but you will get on well.”

Shane is tearing up because he doesn’t know what the fuck is going on, “She’s coming to Canada?”

“Uh, yes, do you not understand how pets work Hollander? Of course, she is coming too.”

Shane takes a long moment to absorb his words and understand that this woman who he’s thought for years is very special to Ilya is in fact a pet of some sort. And so he’s kinda out of it.

Ilya doesn’t understand why Shane is being so weird, he’s not realised that he never said she was a cat.

“Wait. Are you…allergic to cats?”

Shane can’t help it, “She’s a cat?!” He realises a second too late, he’s never going to hear the end of this ever.

“Yes.” Ilya smirks, “Oh! I see. I forgot I never said who she was. Did you think this was a woman??”

“NO!”

GOD he found her because he was running by the harbor in boston one morning and found a little kitten who got tangled up in a fishing net near the docks, and so ilya stops his run to get her out, and she is obviously puffing herself up like an angry little cotton ball as if her little fluffy butt isn't TRAPPED, and ilya is amused and just, "wow wow, such an angry fish. you are shark, maybe?"

and she is littol and also damp and it's COLD, so he ends up taking her home with him and names her fish because he thinks he's funny, but significantly, he calls her fish in russian, which sounds like "RIH-ba," which to an english speaking ear just sounds like the name Reba with extra emphasis on the first syllable

and reba first comes up in conversation when ilya pauses to text his pet sitter at a hookup with shane, but shane can't see the conversation and just "what? you have something more important to do right now?" and ilya who was a little worried about leaving his kitten all alone is just half-distracted goes, "mm, i am checking up on my ryba. i think she might miss me."

and shane is SO instantly jealous and just, "reba?"

"yes, is her name. she is-ah-" and the word "kitten" escapes him in the moment, so he says, "kotenok, you know this word?"

and shane who DOES know this word but ONLY in the context of when ilya has called him it during sex (and thus thinks it's some dirty talk equivalent of "person i'm fucking," maybe) is now pissed but so flatly goes, "yeah, i know that one"

"she is very cute. you want to see picture?"

and shane is SO simmering mad about it just, "no, thanks." and ILYA thinks he's just mad that sex got disrupted for this, so he playfully tosses his phone away and just, "such a face, hollander. do not worry. i have attention for both of you."

and this is NOT welcome news to shane >:( but fine >:( whatever >:( he doesn't fucking care >:(

and ryba doesn't LOVE meeting people (she is the opposite of papa 😔), so one contributing factor to shane never going to ilya's house in all those years (at least from what he tells himself) is there's no point stressing ryba out for something that's SO casual. it's the reason hookups never go back to ilya's place with him. there is already a lady of the house, and she does not like company. and shane is JUST a hookup, obviously. there's no point in stressing his cat out for something SO casual.

and then on tuna meltdown day, ilya cleaned the house up to look nice so ryba's toys are all collected in her room (because she is the only child of a millionaire--of course she has her own room), and ryba goes to chill out under the guest bed until Strange New Person is gone. but what ilya conveys is, "you might see ryba. i am not sure. she does not like new people." and so shane is now also confused because what?? he's coming over here and someone else might also just show up??

"you're not worried about her telling anyone?"

and ilya just *amused look because he thinks this is a joke about their secrecy* "no, she is very discreet. is not a problem."

and shane would like to keep pushing, but he also doesn't know if ilya is making a joke or not, and he doesn't LOVE the idea of another random person just popping in on this VERY big secret.

"i mean, i'd rather she didn't know at all"

and ilya still thinks they're running a bit here and just, "ah, is sexier, yes? staying secret." *wink* because again! ILYA thinks they're talking about his cat!

and shane is a little reassured, but it does add to the day that like. WHO is this fucking reba person??? and WHY would rozanov even joke about her finding out?? is this a kink?? is this setting up for a threesome? is that why rozanov finally invited him to his house? so fucking reba can hop in bed with them?

WAIT NO OH MY GOD EVEN FUNNIER IDEA FOR SHANE LEARNING ABOUT RYBA:

she doesn't come up during the cottage because ilya is still thinking about the logistics of the move in terms of signing contracts/planning moving his stuff/etc., and obviously ryba is going to be going with him, but he'll just put a mental pin in it to look up the process because some countries have quarantine.

but ryba then. doesn't really come up. they're trying to just enjoy themselves at the cottage and ilya misses his fuzzy girl and doesn't want to dwell on missing his cat because he knows it's a LITTLE sappy and he IS happy to have this time with shane.

but this then means that shane stays over at ilya's house overnight for the first time in the new season and gets woken up to ryba at 2 am with the zoomies (shane got up to get water and didn't know to shut the door after to keep her out), so he wakes up to SOMETHING in the bed running around like a MANIAC and jumping around and even landing on his fucking FACE briefly?? what the FUCK is happening!!! ilya what the FUCK is in your house!!!

and ilya just *groggy but obviously knows this is just his cat* "is just ryba, hollander. don't worry. she will settle. rybochka, calm down. is time for sleeping."

and shane just?? reba set a fucking wild animal loose in your house???? WHAT??

and ilya just *now equally confused* what? does she have mouse or something?

??? you tell ME???? what the fuck kind of woman were you fucking?????

and ilya now *sitting up and turning the light on and gently tossing his cat to the end of the bed when she jumps on him at this sign that it's Time To Play* hollander, what the fuck are you talking about?? you think i am fucking other people???

shane gets up to get some water and ryba is just sitting in the corner of the kitchen like

and finds him hanging out on the floor in the guest room talking to ryba under the bed

@nirby-wirby

ryba does adjust, but for the first several weeks she does immediately spooky arch when she crosses paths with anya as if she just. forgets that The Other Thing is still in the house. and she immediately deflates and chills.